


Red Letter Day

by Kate_Shepard, potionsmaster



Series: Fanficcing With Friends [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Comfort, Drug Addiction, F/M, Feelings, First Love, Fluff, Horses, Meet the Family, Mentions of past prostitution, Origin Story, Past Drug Use, Pre-Canon, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, What Ifs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-01-07 12:52:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 54,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12233232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: Lieutenant "Red" Shepherd (Shepard), orphan, former leader of the Tenth Street Reds, reluctant hero of the Skyllian Blitz, unrepentant renegade, does NOT play well with others. She certainly doesn't FEEL things for people. But when she receives exciting news and runs into her old biotics instructor on the same day, she gets more than she bargained for. Can Red learn to open up again? Would he even want her to if he knew who she really was?An alternate ending to the events of "Seeing Red," "Black Ledger, Red Ink," and "Red Ledger, Bloody Ink." Reading the prequels will help the story make more sense, but isn't necessary. For the version within the One and the Same universe, see Red and Blue.





	1. Past, Meet Present

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Potionsmaster for collaborating with me on this!  
> This Kaidan belongs to Potionsmaster. Kate/Red is mine.  
> 

Red lay on her stomach on the table in the tattoo parlor. With all of the advances in technology the world had gained, little had changed where body modification procedures were concerned. The process was safer than ever and she’d been told the healing process was faster than it had been even a century ago, but skin still had to be pierced, ink still needed to be laid. The tattoo gun buzzed and vibrated over her shoulder blade, leaving a delicious burn in its wake.

She’d been clean for two months. Resisting the siren call of escape into oblivion was pure hell. Getting clean, truly clean, had been as much of a battle as Elysium. The truth of what happened there was something only she knew. Months later, she was still hailed a hero and she still detested the attention that came with it. She supposed she should be proud of herself and she was, but Elysium wasn’t the victory that mattered to her.

The Reds had broken her. As long as she’d remained broken, they’d won. She couldn’t go back. She couldn’t stop what had already happened and she couldn’t kill the murdering bastards again. She could only keep moving forward. She still kept the slim metal box in her boot, but it was empty and sealed. She’d moved it to her right foot, the one she kicked off from when she charged. She appreciated the symbolism of crushing it under her heel.

The tattoo gun moved to the top of her shoulder, riding over the bone. Red breathed deep, accepting the sharp wave of pain. It was almost pleasant. Certainly better than a gunshot. It would be worth it to have the reminder permanently inked into her skin. She wasn’t that girl on the street corner anymore. She’d risen above it. She’d told Thane once that she’d stood in the ashes of what came from trying to do the right thing for the right reasons. She’d risen from those ashes. She was harder, but she was stronger, too. The colorful phoenix rising from a bed of red coals would be a constant testament to that fact.

Her omni-tool pinged. She shifted her wrist to activate it, wondering who would be contacting her. It had to be work-related. No one had her extranet address for anything else. She read through the new message and shifted to bring it closer to her. “I need you to be still, miss,” the tattoo artist chided. She ignored him and read the message again, fighting the urge to throw her fist in the air. She couldn’t believe it, but it was there in black and white.

 

* * *

 

 

**EARTH SYSTEMS ALLIANCE**

 

 

Second Lieutenant Katherine R. Shepherd

Alliance Navy

SSV Trafalgar

Unit VP-16

 

To: Katherine R. Shepherd

 

You have been selected for Interplanetary Combatives Training. Please report to the Interplanetary Combatives Academy in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Earth on April 15, 2176. You will need to bring the following items:

 

  * Copy of your current orders
  * Identification
  * Four utility uniforms
  * One dress uniform
  * Toiletries
  * Standard-issue gear



 

Upon arrival, report to Major Kirkland.

  


/s/ Major John S. Thomas

Maj. John S. Thomas, Commandant

 

* * *

N-school. The Alliance wanted to send her to N-school. Hell, yes. N7s were the best of the best and she was determined to join their ranks. N1 was, of course, the first step to it. You didn’t request ICT. They had to invite you. It seemed there was one benefit to her involvement in the Skyllian Blitz. N-training was far more desirable than a damn medal. The former would take her somewhere. The latter just weighed down her uniform and gave her more shit to polish. It did get her free drinks, but she didn’t need to stoop that low.

“There,” the artist said. “Finished. Take a look.”

She’d completely forgotten about the tattoo. She distractedly took the mirror he offered and checked it out. A phoenix, done in a splatter paint style with its head down and talons extended, flew up her back. It started at the dip of her waist, rising up the right side of her back until it reached the wings. One splayed out over the left side of her back, skirting just below where her collar would sit. The other wing curved up over her shoulder and trailed down the outside of her upper arm, its feathers coming to a point over the handful of track marks that remained in the sensitive flesh there.

“It’s fucking perfect,” she said. It was all fucking perfect. It was too good to be true.

She needed to train. She was in shape, of course, but the requirements for ICT were far more stringent than in the rest of the military. She’d learned that the minimum requirements listed for a training slot were absolute minimums to get in; not what would keep you in. She could meet them now. She wanted to exceed them. She would be the best in her class or she’d go down fighting for it.

Things were looking better for her than they had in a long time. She left the tattoo parlor with anxiety fluttering in her gut. Something was bound to go wrong, but what? She rolled her shoulder, feeling the pull of tender skin, and wondered if she’d been too hasty. Sure, she was two months out, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t relapse again. It had been almost two years the last time.

Of course, Elysium had been an extraordinarily stressful and intense experience. It was reasonable that it would have thrown her off somehow. It had been an illuminating one as well. She’d realized that she wasn’t in control of herself if she couldn’t control her addiction. There was no ‘just a little’ for her. She had to stay away altogether. And she would. She couldn’t expect Thane to come save her and sure as shit no one else cared whether she lived or died beyond what she could do for them. It was up to her, but she couldn’t save herself if she was simultaneously sabotaging herself. And that meant that she had to be the only voice in her head.

She strode down the streets of downtown Vancouver with only a portion of her attention attuned to her surroundings. Sorting the details of her environment and discarding what was unimportant while noting what was or what could be was a habit so deeply ingrained in her that she didn’t consciously recognize that she was doing it anymore. She passed by couples strolling hand in hand and friends walking in groups with a muted sense of wonder and envy. Didn’t they know the risk they were facing or were they still in the bliss of ignorance? Did taking it make them braver than she or simply foolhardy? Caring about people not only gave them a weapon, it gave your enemies one as well.

Those thoughts must have distracted her because she was taken by surprise when a voice called out, “Lieutenant Shepherd? Can I have a moment of your time?”

She groaned inwardly at the sight of the reporter chasing after her. The woman had her hand in the air, flagging her down like she was a taxi. Red wished they would just leave her alone. She hadn’t been able to simply take a walk since she’d left rehab without being bombarded by reporters, civilians wanting to speak with her, or a ping on her omni-tool voluntelling her to be at yet another ceremony. She could almost understand the civilians’ insistence on bringing it up. The military should have known better. She didn’t want to talk about Elysium. She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to be hailed as a damn hero. The reporter caught her before she could make her escape. The next time she went out, she was wearing a damn hoodie. Her hair made her too recognizable.

“Lieutenant Shepherd, I’m Molly Grace with Vancouver Nightly News. Do you have a moment to speak with us about your heroic efforts on Elysium during the recent Skyllian Blitz?”

“I’m sorry, Ms. Grace,” she said. “I’m on my way to a meeting.”

“Oh, it’ll only take a moment,” the woman said, activating her camera drone. “Surely, you can spare that.”

There were too many witnesses to allow her to punch the damn reporter without repercussions. Her pistol was in the barracks, so she couldn’t shoot the camera. She’d just tell the woman to fuck off, but Admiral Hackett had ordered her to play nice the _last_ time the paparazzi had gotten in her face. Polite but firm was going to have to suffice. “I’m sorry. I really am very late to my meeting. I should go.”

“Lieutenant. Wait!”

The woman reached out and wrapped her hand around Red’s arm. Red’s barrier flared, but before she could elbow the bitch in the face, another voice, whiskey-smooth and familiar, called her name. “Shepherd? That you?”

She recognized him immediately, standing behind her with an uncertain look on his face. He hadn’t changed at all in the years since she’d last seen him. His dark hair was still slightly longer than most chose to keep it but still fell into place like he’d trained it to do so. His golden eyes still reminded her of a bird of prey. His face still held that hint of childhood softness.

She glanced at the reporter and back at the lieutenant before deciding that he would likely be able to roll with anything she threw at him and she could get rid of the bitch without causing a diplomatic incident. Win-win. She excused herself from the reporter before plastering on an excited smile and bubbling, “Alenko! Oh my god, you’re here!”

“Hey!” he said, uncertainty giving way to a warm smile. “Long time, no see. How are you?”

Hoping the reporter hadn’t caught his response, Red threw her arms around him like she was greeting an old friend and hissed in his ear, “Get me out of here.”

He tensed and his brow furrowed, but he didn’t miss a beat before saying, “Yeah. They sent me to get you for that…thing. On base. Let’s go.”

She hooked her arm through his and said, “I knew I was going to be late, but I didn’t expect them to send out the cavalry.” She shot an insolent wave over her shoulder at the reporter and let Alenko steer her away from the crowd. When they were out of eyeshot of the woman, Red relaxed and released him. “Thanks. Sorry about that. Hackett said if I punch another reporter on live vid, I’m getting my pay docked.”

He laughed and said, “Yeah, that sounds about right. Glad to be of service. So, how you been? Everything been going all right?”

Red sincerely hoped he wasn’t about to ask her about Elysium. She didn’t want it from _him_ , too. And she detested small talk. Still, people expected it and giving them what they expected made her life easier. She said, “Yeah, outside of reporters hounding my every step. How are you? It’s been a while. Are you still at biotics school?”

"For the moment. Might get a rotation on a ship. Get my hands dirty again, y'know?"

Oh, did she know. She’d discovered that there was little in the galaxy that she loved more. And she’d just learned something about him, so that was a bonus. She’d never attempted to play her game with him. Her focus had been on the other students and she’d decided the less she thought about the sexy biotics instructor, the better. She flashed a grin at him and said, “Nothing better than the deck of a ship beneath your feet, is there?"

"Mmhm. Certain type of freedom in seeing the expanse of stars stretched before you. How about you?"

She agreed, but she didn’t want his attention turning to her. The goal of the game was to learn about the other person without them learning about her in return. It was generally easier than she’d thought in the beginning. Most people didn’t care about others. They just wanted to speak about themselves and allowing them to do so made them feel close to the listener. So, she simply deflected, “Shore leave.” Working leave, but leave all the same. “What brings you to Vancouver?”

The smile he gave her was downright shy and the tips of his ears turned pink when he answered, "It's my birthday in a few days, actually. I met some family in the area for it."

His birthday wouldn’t count. That was public record. But his hometown and the apparent fact that he both had family and was close enough with them to travel for them made two things she now knew about him. Three more to go. If someone had told her a few years ago that Lieutenant Alenko’s ears turned pink when he blushed—or that he blushed at all—she’d have laughed them out of school. It was nothing more than an observation, so she doubted he would allow it to count, but it was more than a little adorable all the same. Hot and cute. She didn’t typically go for the sweet guys, but he was still fucking cute.

“Happy birthday, Lieutenant,” she wished him, giving out the expected social response by rote. She still wouldn’t fit in anywhere most people considered polite society, but she’d learned to hide the boredom most people engendered in her for the sake of manners. As one of her former COs had pointed out, one caught more flies with honey. And if the initial soft approach didn’t work, she could always escalate. That wasn’t necessary here, of course. Alenko wasn’t as unwelcome as most people.

"Thanks. So, shore leave, huh? How long?"

"Oh, about a week," she answered, glancing down at her omni-tool. Small talk _really_ wasn’t her forte and she was getting chilly now that she wasn’t moving. She’d had enough of the cold in Chicago. She shrugged her jacket higher around her neck. As soon as she could extract herself without being rude, she’d go.

He nodded. "Well, that puts a damper on things. Was going to say we should get some drinks later, but our schedules won't match up. You doing anything now?" he asked with just enough hope in his eyes to make her heart flip and her stomach lurch.

She should say no. She had things to do and the hawk-eyed biotics instructor was a potential complication she didn’t need. She had a serious case of lust for him, which wouldn’t have been a big deal to her since he was no longer in her chain of command, but she also respected him more than she did most people. If not for Alenko kicking her ass when she’d needed it, she wouldn’t have an ICT invitation on her omni-tool right now. Which also meant that she couldn’t bring herself to turn him down. It was just drinks between colleagues. Nothing wrong with that even if she did want to jump his bones. She needed to thank him and she wanted to share her good news with someone.

She and Thane kept in touch on occasion—she thought Elysium had meant more to him than it had to her—but he’d been running silent on a job for several months and she didn’t know if she would be able to do more than have a message waiting for him by the time she’d shipped out. They generally attempted to keep each other apprised of major developments in their lives and had an unspoken rule that they warned each other before going dark if they could. She’d wondered once if she would know if something happened to him. After that, he’d set up a program that would alert her if he died. She’d done the same for him. As long as that alert didn’t come, they knew the other was still out there somewhere. Still, it was rare that they were able to discuss things in real-time. One or the other was usually left to comment on news that was already old by the time they received it.

Alenko was here. Her other plans could wait. She’d been jumping through hoops for the Alliance for more than a month now. “‘I'm as free as the dust in the solar wind,’” she answered, quoting some vid Essex had watched on a too-regular basis.

He gave her that shy grin that did interesting things to her insides again. "Never would have pegged you as a romance vid fan. Where to?"

She wasn’t, but he clearly was if he immediately identified the quote. That was three. Alenko was a closet romantic. That wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Romantics tended to want more than what she was willing to give. Still, that grin had her insides doing flips and she wanted to see it again, so she quipped, “Romance? I thought it was a comedy.”

“Yeah, the plot is pretty ridiculous. I’ll give you that,” he conceded. No grin this time. She was going to have to work harder.

He obviously liked the movie, so she tried not to cringe and said, “It’s…sweet.”

There was humor in his voice when he said, "Sure, it is. In an over-blown, sappy manner. I have to be in the mood to watch it. So, lunch?"

He could laugh at himself. Interesting. “Sure. What do you suggest?”

"Open to just about anything. Nowhere to be until afternoon tomorrow, so wherever."

“I've been stuck on a starship eating rations for the last month and I can eat anything. This is your turf. Why don't you surprise me?” she suggested. “ _Real_ food.”

"I know a sandwich bistro by the water...has a pretty good menu. Plus, beer."

Beer was good. "They have steak?" she asked as he led her down the street.


	2. Just A Drink

He directed her into a cute little bistro on the corner near the tattoo shop and answered, “Among other things.” He pointed to a table in the back corner, which she approved of, and she automatically took the seat that put her back to the wall and gave her a clear view of the door. That earned her another grin. “We think alike.”

“Did I steal your seat, LT?” she asked.

“Maybe,” he answered. “It’s okay, though. I’ll deal.”

She considered moving for an instant before deciding against it. She didn’t know how observant he was yet and even on shore leave, one could never be too careful. Instead, she offered, “If you slide that chair there, you can see the door and I can watch your six.”

This time, his grin held more than a hint of approval. “Not just a grunt anymore. Proud of you.”

Her own smile widened in response and her heart gave a traitorous thump. She gave herself an internal shake. She didn’t need his approval. She didn’t need anyone’s approval. Still, his pride was something she’d striven for in class and she liked it no less now that she was no longer his student. She pushed the chair out with her boot and said, "Thanks, LT. That, uh, means a lot."

He slid the tabletop kiosk to her. "Take a look. If you like beer, the lager is pretty good here."

She perused the menu. "Never had a Canadian lager before. I'll defer to your expertise." She tapped in the order for a rare steak sandwich and a beer before returning it to him.

“Lady after my own heart. Good choice,” he said, placing his own order. She snorted a laugh and cleared her throat before looking away with a grin. She’d been called a lot of things, but no one had ever accused her of being a lady.

“So, what's new in your life?” he asked, shifting to face her. “It's rare I get to catch up with students after they cycle out.”

“Yeah? Figured you'd be the type to follow us when you could.” Ah, what the hell. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table, her hands clasped in front of her. “Look, Lieutenant, I, uh, owe you a thanks. And...well, I wouldn't be where I am today if not for you. So. Thanks. I mean, you probably don't remember. I'm sure you've chewed thousands of us, but...” What the hell was it about him that got her so flustered? She wasn’t the type to stutter or stammer, but when he fixed those golden eyes on her, rational thought went out the airlock.

He gave her a warm smile over a sip of beer. “They keep us locked up pretty tight. You know how it is. And you don't have to thank me. You did it yourself, I just...nudged you in the right direction.”

She shook her head. “It was more than that, sir. Anyway, I got an interesting message today.” She wanted to tell him, she realized. Alenko was the first person who’d ever believed in her without first seeing what she was capable of. Even Thane’s initial opinion of her had been pity. It had only changed to respect after seeing her in action. She’d given Alenko no reason to believe she was anything more than a cocky sociopath with a self-aggrandized view of her own abilities; which, to be fair, she was.

“Oh, yeah?” he asked, raising his eyebrows in expectation.

A beer wasn’t enough to get her buzzed, but the day, the pleasant sting of the tattoo on her back, the invitation on her omni-tool all combined to send warmth flooding her. A youthful excitement that she hadn’t felt since Gabe and Abby were still alive surged and she flashed a genuine grin. “Okay. I have no one else to share this with, so you have to be extremely excited here, got it? Because this is all the celebration I get.” She realized what she’d said once the words were out of her mouth, but could only hope that he would take that to mean she had no one _here_ with whom she could share and that he wouldn’t push. Alenko certainly wouldn’t understand her history and she didn’t want to ruin the mood. She was practically vibrating in her chair.

He chuckled. “I promise. Lay it on me. I could use some good news.”

She dragged her lower lip between her teeth, her eyes sparkling. “I got invited to the Villa,” she said in a rush.

He leaned forward in his chair, his face lighting. “No shit? Congratulations! That’s really great, Shepherd. Well done. You deserve it.” He gave her another warm smile and lifted his nearly-empty bottle. “Here’s to you. May your time there be easy.”

She snickered at that. “I think ‘easy’ and ‘ICT’ are diametrically opposed ideas, but thanks.” She clinked her bottle against his. “Again, thank you. If you hadn't kicked my ass when I needed it...” She shook her head, imagining what might have been. She probably would have ended up stripping on Omega for drug money. “I'd have been out. Now...N1 isn't all that, but N7? Can you imagine?”

If she hadn’t been paying attention, she might have missed the slight hesitation before he spoke. “I might have somewhat of an idea, but yeah, no. Unbelievable what they go through. They make you earn it. If anybody can go all the way, though, it's you.”

There he went again. Believing in her with no reason to do so. She didn’t know if he even knew about the Blitz. And, despite what the Alliance had led the public to believe, there was no reason for him to be proud of her for that one. She vaguely remembered wondering what he’d think if he’d seen her crouched down behind that barricade with a batarian horde at her back, using her borrowed rifle to snort red sand up her nose. No one but probably Dr. Chakwas knew that she’d been high as a fucking kite during the Blitz and if the doc did, she hadn’t mentioned it. He had no reason to believe in her.

She raised a brow, choosing to deflect rather than explore how that made her feel. “That sounds like experience, LT.” He flashed a grin behind the rim of his beer and her eyes lit. “Oh, really? How far?”

He scoffed and shook his head with a laugh. “I was told the only thing holding me back was my implant. Too unstable for them to want to take on the risk. So, I started teaching.”

She remembered that he’d told them he was an L2, but even being considered for ICT was a high honor. That meant he’d done something to distinguish himself before he’d set foot into a classroom. She ticked another box on her mental list. Then the implications of what he’d said hit her and indignation took over. She slapped her beer back onto the table and sat back. “You’re shitting me. They turned you down because you’re an L2?”

He shrugged as if he expected no less. “Them's the breaks. You have to remember, biotics were still a pretty big unknown for us even just a few years ago.”

“Yeah, but a _stable_ L2—and I've seen your biotics—is like the Holy Grail,” she protested.

His ears turned pink again and he glanced away. “If you say so.” He furrowed his brow and settled back in his chair, locking his eyes with her. “Let’s have it. Report.”

The shift in his demeanor caught her off-guard. If she didn’t know better, she’d have said he’d slipped back into instructor mode. He couldn’t have…. Could he? No. She was better than that, wasn’t she? “Report, sir?”

“Yes, Lieutenant. I want my report. What five things did you learn? And they’d better not be generic.”

She gave him an innocent look. “I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, sir. I've just been having a conversation.” _Damn, he's good._ It wasn’t often that someone saw through her bullshit to the calculation beneath.

“Cut the bullshit, Shep. I know when my own tactics are being used against me. Report. Now.” The corners of his mouth twitched almost imperceptibly and his honeyed eyes sparkled.

She laughed. “Check and mate. I’m going to have to up my game, Alenko. Should I be at attention for this?”

“Kaidan.” She blinked at him in surprise. “Only if you want to be.”

“Uh, Kate. Though I think I like Shep.” First names, hmm? It was a start.

“Kate’s a pretty name,” he said. “I like it.”

Her jaw clenched before she could stop it. It was just a name. Thane had picked it for her because of its ties to the goddess Hecate. Torture. Crossroads. It had seemed fitting. Her name, if she had one, was Red. She’d gotten herself into the habit of thinking of herself as Kate so that she would answer to it, nothing more. No one called her Red anymore. She wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. She pushed the thought aside and leaned forward.

 _“_ All right, Kaidan. One. You're from Vancouver and close with your family. Two. You blush. You aren't the hardass you pretend to be.”

“Nope. That one doesn't count,” he said with a dismissive wave. “Next.”

“Which one doesn't count?” she demanded.

“Blushing? You can do better. You're reaching.”

“But I never saw your ears turn pink during training. You were Mr. Cool Calm and Collected.” That should count, damn it! No one at biotics school would have _believed_ he could blush.

“So? It could be uncomfortable weather-wise. Or I had something else happen earlier today. You don't know. Try again.”

Kate huffed. He _always_ managed to throw her off-balance. She didn’t know why she’d expected otherwise when he was no longer her teacher. “Fine. You’re a closet romantic.”

“Continue.”

She filed that one away for later perusal and decided to cut deep on this one. “Your biotics make you uncomfortable.”

He raised a brow. “Defend that one.”

 “You deflect compliments that you're entitled to,” she began, thinking of his dismissal of her earlier one.

“As do you,” he countered.

“Oh?” Where’d he get that from? She was perfectly comfortable accepting compliments she deserved. She simply rejected the ones she didn’t. She didn’t need false flattery. She was comfortable in her own skin.

“You weren’t done,” he said rather than answering. Had he misread her reaction to him liking her name?

She would figure it out later. For now, he was challenging her. “I can read body language, Kaidan. And you at least pretend to accept being discriminated against for something you can't control, but you wanted ICT. That had to sting. Which means it's the reaction you expect and that means you've internalized it.”

“Nice deduction. Continue.”

She was surprised he didn’t try to deny it. Next. “Teaching isn’t your ultimate goal.” Which, in a way, was a damn shame. He was so _good_ at it. He took another sip, his eyes sparkle in amusement. She grinned at him. “Would you like me to defend that one, too, sir?” She couldn’t remember the last time she’d bantered with someone for the hell of it.

“Your choice.”

She waved it off. “That one was so obvious I'm surprised you allowed it.”

“That was your 'gimme',” he grinned, tilting his head to the side.

“Fifth,” she said, just recognizing it for herself. She should have seen it before. “You’re kind.”

“I'm sure you've others in reserve. You did good. Quick work, and efficient. Couldn't hope for more,” he praised.

“Thank you, sir.” She took a sip of her beer to calm the fluttering in her chest. She wanted him to stop _looking_ at her. “Now, you want to talk about whatever's on your mind?”

“You don't have to stand on ceremony. Off duty. Nothing much, just glad to be able to sit and catch up. I'm sure you're on cloud nine.”

“Not what I meant, Kaidan. You don't have to push it back to me. I can celebrate and still ask what's bugging you.” Anything, _anything_ to get those eyes that saw too much off of her.

“Sharp as ever, Shep. I'll give you another freebie. I'm looking at the downward slide towards thirty. Not used to thinking of myself like that yet.”

She also wouldn’t have pegged him as having any insecurities at all. First, his biotics and now his age. She didn’t like seeing it and didn’t know why. “Couldn't tell by looking at you. What's age anyway, but an arbitrary number? _Especially_ in space.”

“Truth. I'm giving it too much importance.”

He wasn’t going to blow her off that easily. She swiped her credit chit, covering their meal, and pushed her chair back. “Come on.” His birthday was coming up and he’d come all this way to visit his family for it. He should enjoy it rather than brooding. Abby had known her birthday, so Kate had made it a point every year to try to do something for the girl. It was never much, there was never enough for much, but the smallest things had been enough to make Abby happy. The girl had made birthdays mean something to Kate, especially since she didn’t know when her own was. She envied Alenko that basic knowledge of himself.

“Wait-what? Hold on, I'm supposed to be buying _you_ the drinks for celebration. Where are we going?” he protested.

She grinned down at him, enjoying seeing _him_ flustered for once. “To find something that makes us feel young, of course.” She wasn’t sure what that was. She couldn’t remember ever feeling young, but she was a smart woman. She could figure something out. It would be her birthday present to him. Drinks and dancing generally did it for her classmates. He followed her out of the bistro and waited as she called up her omni-tool. “VI, find us a bar. With dancing.”

“Oh, lord,” he laughed. “I'm sorry for the embarrassment I'm going to put you through.”

“Just promise not to laugh,” she teased. She couldn’t dance for _shit_ on her own, but give her a body to grind up against…. His would do just fine.


	3. Horse Power

“What’s your opinion on speed, LT?”

“Speed as in how fast something goes or as in stimulants?” he asked, matching her pace down the street.

“The velocity of an object, LT. No drugs for me, I'm afraid.” Never again. That part of her life was over. She’d won.

“That's good. Rare for a biotic not to have _some_ kind of experience with them. I hope you never have to be faced with it.” He seemed oblivious to the rising discomfort she felt whenever someone believed her to be better than she was. At least, when that wasn’t her goal. “As for velocity of an object, I would need more information. I'm a fan of things taking as much time as they need.”

"Interesting answer." She rubbed the scarred webbing between her fingers as she led him to the parking lot at the end of the street. Typical romantic, wanting to take things slow. He was definitely going to expect more than she could give. She settled him into the off-limits category in her head. She’d just have to satisfy herself with the fantasy.

Typically, that would be the end of this interaction. She didn’t need complications and as she’d already noted, he was one. Or he could be. She didn’t do relationships. She didn’t have friends. But she wasn’t ready to go back to the barracks yet and she enjoyed his company. Besides, she’d already made the offer. If he was afraid of the bike, she’d go. If he was eager, she’d take him for a ride. She walked up to the sleek black motorcycle. “You game?”

His eyes lit up. Enthusiasm rang in his voice. “I am very much a fan of going fast in this regard.” There was that qualification again. Oh, well. One ride wasn’t going to hurt anything as long as they didn’t crash. She’d never driven double before. It would be a new experience. Seeing his reaction was worth the time.

She grinned at him. _“_ You and I are going to get along just fine, LT.” She hooked the helmet off of the handlebars and tossed it to him. If they went down, she’d just use her barrier. “You're in luck. This one's a rental. Mine doesn't have a bitch seat.” Her bike was still in the storage facility on Arcturus. It had been easier just to rent one here than to ship it back for a few weeks. She’d never considered the seats before. Riding was something she did alone. She could clear her mind when she had the rush of the wind whipping in her hair and the drone of the bike below her. She’d learned to ride on an ancient Harley after biotics school. She missed the roar of its engine, but most places didn’t allow the so-called ‘noise pollution’ they created, so she’d purchased a new Night Rod and learned to enjoy the softer hum of tires on pavement.

He laughed. “You saying I’m your bitch if I ride with you?”

If he wasn’t off-limits, she’d have made a flirtatious comment at that. Instead, she smirked. “Not unless you fall off.” She reached up, tying her hair back to keep it out of her face and donned a pair of aviator shades to protect her eyes. She swung a leg over the seat and patted behind her. “Hop on and hold on tight, LT.”

He laughed again and climbed on behind her with a surprising amount of grace. “Will do.”

She waited for him to secure the helmet before starting the bike. She eased it out of the parking lot and maneuvered through the heavy traffic congesting the city. The Night Rod wasn’t designed for tight maneuverability, but she marveled that Kaidan moved with her without hesitation, helping her compensate for his added weight. After feeling her shift to kick the back end around the first corner, he automatically copied the motion. She wondered if this was something they had in common and ditched the club idea for the moment. She’d much rather get out on the open road and see how he reacted. “You ride?” she asked over her shoulder.

“Yeah,” he answered. “Kinda.”

“Kinda?” she asked. “What does that mean?”

“Haven't seriously ridden in some years, but what I ride has literal horse power.”

“I’ve never seen a horse,” she admitted. The city gave way to suburbia and then to countryside. She leaned forward, almost lying on the machine. He tucked himself closer to her as she gained speed. Aside from the weight difference, driving double with him was as simple as doing it on her own. They might as well have been one person. She felt his chin settle onto her shoulder, though he was careful not to bump her with the helmet.

“My family has an orchard and horse farm about an hour outside Vancouver, if you want,” he offered.

“Are you serious?” she all but squealed. Forget a nightclub! He was offering her an adventure. How could she say no?

“Yeah...take the turn off coming up here.”

She hugged closer to the bike and gunned the motor, flying around the curve. Her heart pounded with excitement. Kaidan gripped tighter with his thighs, leaning with her, his hands firm but gentle on her hips. The tires sang over the pavement. It was a rare beautiful day. The sun was bright above them and outside of the city, the air was crisp and clean. She had blue sky overhead, a warm biotic at her back, and a roaring machine between her legs. Today was a good day. She opened the throttle wide and allowed her head to lean back against his shoulder, keeping her eyes just focused enough on the road to avoid unnecessary danger.

He gave her directions once they neared his place and finally said, “Hidden drive on the left. Look for rows of trees along a white fence.” She reluctantly slowed the bike, looking for the driveway. There. She turned in and he directed, “Follow it back to the house. Careful, it’s gravel.”

“Good thing about the Night Rod is that wide back tire. Doesn't take tight corners worth a damn, but she's stable,” she said. They pulled around the back and she cut the engine, her eyes widening. “This is...wow." Make that seven new things? A neat, sturdy porch wrapped around the front of the large house and an enormous red barn loomed across the yard. Her hands tightened on the handlebars.

What the hell had she been thinking, coming here? Impulsive vanguard. She didn’t belong here. She’d thought she’d had Alenko pegged, but this… His family was rich. The house alone could have held the entire core group of the Reds and she’d be willing to bet the kids wouldn’t have had to pile up in a dank basement. Hell, that barn was bigger than any domicile she’d been to. If she hadn’t already marked Kaidan off-limits, this would have done it. They were light years apart. Even for a one-night stand, he was beyond her realm of experience. Surely, he’d just been humoring her with the offer. He couldn’t really want her here.

Before she could stage a tactical retreat, though, he was hanging the helmet on the handlebar. He climbed off the bike and strode toward the fence, whistling. The ground thundered, vibrating beneath her boots as a group of massive horses pounded toward him. She slowly dismounted the bike, feeling like a ship leaving safe dock. The lure of the graceful animals was too much for her to resist, though. She joined him at the fence. “Here's some of them...Ma has about 15 head in the lower pasture, too.”

“Wow, Kaidan,” she breathed. “They’re gorgeous! Who’s the big gray one?” she asked, pointing to a dappled horse with hooves the size of dinner plates. She could almost imagine him decked out in armor, charging into battle with a knight on his back.

“That’s Li’l Dred,” he answered.

Little, hmm? “Fitting,” she said with a grin. “And the red one?”

“Cinder. She’s the one we usually put new riders on,” he explained. Kate decided that one was her favorite. And why wouldn’t she be? A red horse with a name reminiscent of flames seemed designed specifically for her. He pointed to a pale golden one with a snowy mane and tail. “That’s Commodore. He’s mine. Well...the one I use almost exclusively. He also gets used for lessons.”

“He’s pretty,” she said. “Can I pet them?”

“Sure...stay here, unless you want a tour of the barn.”

Might as well go for broke now that she was here. “I've never been in a barn, either.” She held her hand out to Cinder like she would a new dog, letting her sniff. The horse’s warm breath tickled the back of her hand, drawing a smile to her lips.

He stroked Cinder's flat cheek, working up under the lock of hair on her forehead. “Smooth, easy, sure movements. Nothing quick to startle them.”

“Like a nervous dog,” she said, going back to her only point of reference. The only cats she’d ever been around were feral strays.

He laughed, but it didn’t feel like he was laughing at her. “Sorta. If you want to see the barn, I can get some treats and you can feed them out.”

“Hell, yes,” she said. She wasn’t sure what he meant, but it sounded like fun.

" _Entrez-vous_." He gestured her to the rolling door of the red barn.

“ _Grazie_ ,” she replied, following him into the cavernous building. It smelled earthy but pleasant. Dust motes danced in the afternoon sunlight filtering through the doors. She looked around, wide-eyed once again. “This is just for the horses? All this space?”

“Yeah. Pop wanted to make sure Ma got everything she needed and then some.” He walked down the breezeway, past hay storage on the right and stalls facing an arena that was _inside_ the damn barn.

She rubbed the knot of scar tissue between her fingers. “You guys are, ah, beyond my realm of experience.”

“Why’s that?” he asked. He flipped the light on in grain storage and rummaged around on a work bench. He found a bag of peppermint treats and pocketed a handful, holding another handful out for her. She took them, looking over her shoulder at stalls that could have housed two dozen kids with room to spare. She didn’t know how to answer him. He took pity on her. “Grew up in a city?”

That was safe enough. That was part of her record. He might have even known that. “Yeah. Chicago.”

“Ah, yeah...I wondered. Sometimes I think I can hear it in your accent.”

“Shi-cah-goh,” she enunciated, throwing the full weight of her accent behind it. “Can’t get rid of it.” And wasn’t that the truth if she’d ever seen it?

He chuckled. “Past experiences have a way of sticking with you, whether you want them to or not. C'mon. Let's go back outside.”

She shook her head, turning to walk backward as she followed him out of the barn. These horses lived better than her kids had before Thane came along. That arena was bigger than their entire basement. “My next life, I think I want to come back as one of your mamma's horses.”

“You'd definitely be taken care of, that's for certain. She loves them all to pieces.”

It was sad, she thought, that these animals were better cared for than the children she’d unofficially adopted while she was technically still a child herself. “Lucky,” she said softly.

“Agreed.”

“So how do I do this without being bitten?” she asked when they returned to the fence. A plucky little pony she hadn’t seen before stood with his nose on the middle rail. He looked up at her with big, soulful eyes and she chuckled. “Well, hello.”

Kaidan moved beside her and said, “Hold your hand flat, treat in the middle. Do _not_ stick your thumb up. You don't want them to accidentally think it's the treat. The farrier lost one of his fingers when he was a kid, he said, because he was feeding carrots and...yeah.”

“Ouch. Palm flat. Fingers back. Got it.” The pony whuffed at her, smelling the treats, and wobbled his top lip. She chuckled again and held out the treat for him. “He looks pitiful.”

“Heh. He’ll sucker you in. Won’tcha, big guy?” he said. Kate cut a look to the biotic. _Kinda like his master._

“Pig,” she affectionately chided the little pony. “So what’s the difference? Between the pony and the horses, I mean. Not between ponies and pigs. I may be a city girl, but I think I've got that one figured out.”

“Height at the shoulders, really. Anything 14.2 hands or shorter is a 'pony'...and a hand is 4 inches, because it's the width of your palm and you start from the ground to the point of the withers and...sorry. Height. Leave it at that.” He passed her more treats to dole out.

“Going back to a time before measuring tape, I'm guessing?” she said, giving a mint to Cinder.

“Heh, yeah. Horsemanship is steeped in tradition.”

“ _The Black Stallion_ was my favorite book when I was little. I checked it out so many times, the librarian gave it to me. Said no one read paper books anymore anyway.” Gah, she hadn’t thought of that in years. The library near the orphanage had been her haven. Most people ran her out when she went into a store, expecting her to steal from them. Ms. Eloise was different. She’d taken pity on her, taught her to read, and had given her a means to escape from the drab excuse for a ‘home’ the state had provided.

“Now, that is a _bald_ faced lie. I prefer paper. The feel, the weight...the smell, even. Satisfying,” Kaidan said.

He got it. “Exactly. It feels more real when it's on paper.”

He gave her a warm smile that made her insides flutter. “Precisely. See, I knew there was something about you. Cut above the rest.”

She scratched under Cinder's forelock and chuckled. Deciding he wouldn’t judge her for indulging her curiosity, she leaned forward and breathed in the scent of the horse. “Ohh. This, too. I thought they'd stink.”

“You should smell a saddle, then. Mixed with arena dirt and horse sweat....it's like coming home.  ...Which is weird to say out loud."

His ears flushed again, distracting her enough for her to say, “Home...didn't exactly smell like that. But I get it. Like...walking onto a ship after a long time ashore. The eezo, the grease.”

The sun began sinking in the west, changing the light. The day softened around them. “Yeah. Familiar and safe.”

“Nowhere’s safe,” she replied without thinking.

“You know what to expect and you're comfortable there,” he amended without further comment, for which she was grateful.

“That, yes,” she agreed. “Comfortable.” Like him, she realized. She felt like she’d known him forever.

He glanced over at her. “Still have that cynical streak, I see.”

She leaned her forehead against Cinder’s, avoiding his gaze. “Can’t shake that any more than the accent. I want to bottle this scent and wear it.”

“Well, if you figure out a way to do that, lemme know. I'll be your first customer,” he chuckled. “Want to sit on one? So you can say you did?”

“Really?” she asked, turning her head to grin at him.

"Yes, really. What did you think, I would offer, then say, 'just kidding?'"

She shrugged. “No. I just didn't expect...anything, really.” She hadn’t expected any of this. He still had her off-balance and she wondered if she’d ever find her footing around him.

He laughed. “Most people don't see past the uniform. Which one do you want to sit on?”

Now, why would he say that? She wore a uniform, too. She knew better than most that there was a real person behind it. “I'm torn between Cinder and Li’l Dred. I kinda want to see what it's like that high, but I like her.”

“Let's go with Cinder. Shorter distance to fall if you do.”

“That’s what barriers are for,” she said.

Kaidan stood next to the mare and knelt on one knee, patting his thigh. “Step here with your left foot, grab the mane, and swing your right leg up and over. Up you get.”

She stepped up, grabbed a fistful of mane, and swung over like getting on her bike. Easy enough. She settled onto the horse’s back, looking down with a grin. “This is amazing!” It felt higher than she’d expected, but it was a pleasant sensation. She patted the mare’s silky neck.

“Lean forward and give her a hug, if you want. Smell her mane,” he suggested, placing a hand on the mare’s chest to keep her in place. He gave Kate a soft smile that she wasn’t sure she wanted to try to decipher.

Kate leaned forward and wrapped her arms around the mare’s thick neck, breathing deeply of the coarse mane. Her tension flowed out of her. She closed her eyes and buried her face in the mare’s long hair. The sun sank lower on the horizon, turning the sky to cotton candy. She wished she could pause this moment and stay like this forever. Unfortunately, time didn’t stop and responsibility—always the death of dreams—lifted its head. She reluctantly sat up, drawing her hands along the mare’s strong shoulders. “As much as I'm loving this, I don't like riding at night if I can help it. Black bike, black jacket. Not the most visible.”

“Yeah, I hear ya... You look good up there, by the way. Almost free.”

At any other time, klaxons would have been sounding the alarm in her brain. This day was perfect, though. She’d had so few of those in her life. She wasn’t going to ruin it by worrying. She straightened and let her head fall back with a soft sigh. “Yeah.”


	4. Unto The Breach

He let her sit, absorbing the warmth of the horse’s coat, the prickle of red hairs against the inside of her thighs, feeling the expansive motions of the mare’s chest as she breathed. She imagined that she could become one with the animal and control her with nothing but a thought. The urge to ride off into the sunset was almost too strong to resist, especially when the horse shifted beneath her and stomped a hoof like she was eager to go with her.

When she looked back down at him, Alenko was wearing another of those soft smiles. “All right. To dismount, do the reverse of what you did to get on. Hold her mane and lean forward, swing your right leg over, then slide until you hit the ground.”

She obeyed, pausing to lean her forehead against Cinder’s russet shoulder. “Thank you, girl,” she whispered. She stepped back and smiled at Kaidan. “And thank _you_. That was...no words.” The lonely little girl she’d been in the orphanage was doing backflips in her mind. She’d dreamed of it, but she’d never allowed herself to believe she’d get to even pet, much less sit on, one of the magnificent animals. He’d given her the greatest gift anyone had since Thane had bought her a new life.

“You're welcome. You, uh...” He started to reach out, but stopped and pointed at her ear instead. “Your hair is...yeah.”

She bit her lip and tucked her hair behind her ear. A part of her wished he hadn’t aborted the gesture, but she wasn’t surprised that he’d respected her personal space. He was attentive. “Better?”

“Sure, heh. I just thought it might be annoying to have it flying in your face. Matches the hair on your pants, now, too.” He pointed to the tiny, red short hairs lining the inside of her legs.

She looked down and shrugged. “Souvenir.”

“There ya go.”

“Kinda prickly, though,” she said, brushing at the red hairs that clung stubbornly to her jeans. “Gotta love biotics and static.”

Kaidan glanced at the sun. “We'll have enough time to get back to Vancouver if we haul ass. We can stop by my apartment and clean up. Get some grub, if you want. Or not. I've probably kept you longer than you wanted to hang out with your stuffy old teacher.”

“You've never been stuffy. A hardass at times, but never stuffy.” She chewed her lip, considering. She was having more fun than she’d had in longer than she could remember. She wasn’t ready for the day to end. “Sure. Why not? Otherwise, I'll just end up back at the barracks. I'll warn you, though, I really can't shake the damn reporters”

He pursed his lips and walked back towards the bike, getting the helmet and offering it to her. "Yeah. I can only imagine. I'm sorry you have to put up with that.”

She waved the helmet away. Her barriers were strong enough to take care of her and he’d come off long before she did. “I just wish they'd let it go. I'm no hero.” She climbed onto the bike, thinking again about that hazy, euphoric period where she’d tested herself against a horde of enemies. If she hadn’t been sandblasted halfway out of her mind, it might have meant something.

“Yeah. I don't know when humanity started romanticizing war, but it's only gotten worse. I'm afraid of what the future will bring some days, especially now that there's all of the universe left to explore. Y'know?”

“Tell me about it. I was ordered to defend the colony. I did it to the best of my abilities. That's it. When war becomes romantic, it also becomes inevitable. Sometimes I think we should do what the turians do. Require service. Then they'd know.”

His voice darkened. “Certainly have the population for it...”

She raised a brow in surprise. A cynic? “What do you mean?”

“Eleven billion souls on this planet alone? Poverty running rampant, children on the streets, doing god knows what to survive....” He shook his head and she forced herself to relax before he could notice her sudden tension. “Conscription would at least give most of them a way into a better situation. Food. A bed. Shelter. Skills.” He climbed on behind her, tucking himself against her. “Don't listen to me, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill the mood. I just...I take issue with the way humanity treats itself.”

What would he think of her, then? Would he call what she’d done necessary to survive or would he be disgusted with her? She certainly fit both categories. Unless she counted a person hers, she’d never concerned herself with the rest of humanity. But she had at least told herself it was survival. Or would he pity her? She certainly didn’t want that. “Can’t argue with you there,” she muttered, wishing he’d change the subject. She started the bike and walked it around to pull out. “Ready?” 

“Oh yeah. Let me feel the wind again.” The eagerness in his voice drove out the chill from his earlier words and she grinned.

“I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

“And here I thought it was my winning personality,” he quipped.

She maneuvered the bike back onto the road and felt his long fingers cup her hips again. “You know all the girls ogled your ass, right? I didn't tell you that one,” she teased.

He laughed abruptly. “ _No_ , you definitely didn't tell me _that_..."

“Remember Stevens? She swore up and down she was going to marry you. Poor Essex. He was heartbroken. He did all that work to teach her a singularity and she only cared that you noticed it.”

He scoffed. “Sorry to disappoint. Not supposed to fraternize with students.”

“And with good reason. Don't know why students would want to fraternize with the instructors anyway. Good way to get a reputation for getting ahead on your back.” She paused. “It _is_ a fine example of a derriere, though, LT. If you don't mind me saying so.” Gods, _that ass._ She had said _all_ the girls. She certainly hadn’t been an exception. If he wasn’t such a romantic, she’d be jumping his bones already.

He laughed. “Everyone is entitled to their opinion, Shepherd. Take this exit and then hang a right to get back into the freeway for the city.”

“I'm still not that eager to get back to civilization. Feels like I've been in a bubble,” she confessed.

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“It was nice...getting away from it all for a while. Your place is...amazing, Kaidan. I can't imagine what it was like growing up there.” She’d tried, but the images wouldn’t form. What would it be like to know where you came from? Who you were? To have your place in the world and be sure of it?

“Yeah, it...it was really something. Turn down this street, parking garage is on your left.”

She leaned into the turn, using her ass and thigh to kick the back of the bike into it. Kaidan followed suit. She could get used to riding like this. She tamped down a flare of panic at the thought. There was a reason her bike only had one seat. She rode alone, lived alone, and would die alone. She didn’t need a companion, even a cute biotic whose blushes made her stomach flip. She conceded that she might understand why those who didn’t understand the dark underside of it would give in, though.

He helped her walk the bike back into the parking spot he pointed out and she ran her fingers through her hair. It felt like half of it had come out of the tie. “I look a hot mess, don’t I?” she asked.

He grinned as he removed the helmet and ruffled the back of his hair. “No more than I do, probably. It's all good.”

“Helmet hair's a good look on you, Alenko. I don't think I've ever seen it out of place before,” she teased.

He smiled as his eyes scanned the garage. “Well, crap. I thought they'd be gone by now.”

“They?” she asked as they walked toward the elevator. She followed him in.

“My parents. This is actually their place, too, but I have the keys and free rein. In case I want to get away from base.” He toggled the elevator to 31st floor.

She tensed, her eyes widening. “Kaidan, I don't do....parents.” She’d never met anyone’s parents before. That was for friendships and relationships. The only mother she’d ever known was Tuco’s mom and any loyalty she might have had to her had been quite literally burned away when she'd found out Lorena had watched the Reds murder her babies. She looked around for an exit. She could always climb through the escape hatch above.

“They could be walking around downtown and just parked here, I don't know. It'll be fine.” She wrapped an arm around herself and tapped her charging heel against the floor, wishing that getting out of here was that simple. He furrowed his brow and studied her. “Kate...relax. There's no pressure here.”

“I'm not a people person. You know that. I don't...What do I say? I've never been around... _parents_. I'm going to embarrass you.”

“Trust me, you can't do anything worse in front of them than _I_ have. Ma can tell some stories.”

“Yeah, but they're your parents. They're _supposed_ to accept you. …Not that that means anything,” she amended, thinking of her own. What kind of parents just abandoned a baby at a damn fire station?

 _“If_ we happen to run into them, smile, nod, and then say you have to use the restroom. Then take your time. I seriously don't think it'll be as bad as you seem to think.”

She blew air through pursed lips and squared her shoulders. Giving herself a firm nod, she said, “I faced down ten thousand batarians. I can handle two humans.”

“There you go. It's not a dress review. You can do this.” The elevator stopped. He exited and started walking down the hall. When she didn’t follow, he stopped, looking back. “Forward, soldier. Unto the breach.”

 _Of course he quotes Shakespeare._ She straightened her posture. She could do this. “Aye aye, sir.”

He opened a door to a massive living room. A tiny, dusky woman with long, dark hair was saying, “….seriously don't know why you're dawdling, Albert. We have to get back to feed and I won't be done until ten now. Honestly, I—” She stopped and looked at them. “Pumpkin??”

Kate turned a snorting laugh into a cough and looked away. _Pumpkin, hmm? Cuter and cuter._

Kaidan stifled a groan. “Hey, Ma.”

“Baby, what're you doing here, still? I thought…oh! Well, hi!” The woman peered around Kaidan and beamed at Kate.

“Hi?” Kate asked, casting around for what he’d said to do. She drew an utter blank.

The woman gave her a bright smile and held out her hand. “I’m Mina. Nice to meet you.”

She swallowed hard. _It's just a damn handshake, Kate. Chill._ She shook the woman’s hand. “Mrs. Alenko, I presume? Lieutenant Shepherd.” There. Professional. She could do that.

Kaidan took a seat at the breakfast bar and a tall, distinguished-looking man came out from the hallway, saying, “Still don't know where my satchel went. I need it for the office on—oh, hello.... Kaidan, you should have told you were going to have company. We'd've left by now.”

Kate thought about running through the door. If she charged, she could be out before this got any more weird. Kaidan’s mother was still beaming at her. “You 'presume' correctly, but you can just call me Mina or Mrs. A.” Was the elevator still there? “Hell, even just 'Kaidan's mom' works.”

Kaidan groaned. “Ma, don’t.”

Kate gave the woman a half-smile. “Thank you, uh, Mrs. A.” She should go. She should really go.

Mina turned to Kaidan. “Don't what? You should have listened to your father, told us you had _company._ ”

Oh, gods. They thought she was _that kind_ of company. Like a date. And they sounded surprised enough that she wondered again just how rare it was for him to bring random strangers home. She pressed her lips together and looked at Kaidan, torn between panic and amusement.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Uh, god.... Ma, this is one of my students. No.”

That was bad. That was very bad. If they thought she was a current student and he’d brought her home…fraternizing with students was a major infraction. He could lose his job. His parents might…well, she didn’t know what they might do, but it would certainly be bad. She cleared her throat. “Former student. Colleague.”

Alenko’s father said, “Nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Alenko.”

She looked up at him, seeing where Kaidan had gotten his height. “It’s, ah, nice to meet you, Dr. Alenko.”

Behind him, Kaidan looked flustered again. “Yeah, _former_ student. Sorry, I'm just so used to...anyway. You were saying, Ma?”

Mina looked between the two of them. “Saying what?”

Dr. Alenko ignored the confusion. “So, are you here for Kaidan’s birthday, too?”

“That’s in a few days, right?” She looked to Kaidan for help. A day on the bike was one thing. A birthday party with his family was too damn much. She needed the hell out of here. She’d been less overwhelmed on Elysium. The three of them seemed to think this was normal. Maybe it was. What did she know?

Kaidan pursed his lips and said tightly, “Yep.”

“I’m afraid I’m going to be shipping out again next week,” she said, fudging the timeline. She would probably still be in town then, but they didn’t need to know that. She tapped her charging heel again.

“Oh, that's a shame. Safe travels. Hope it's not into a hot zone.”

“Training, actually.”

Mina furrowed her brow, looking at Kate. Kaidan mimicked the expression at Mina. “Oh, yeah? What for?” Mina asked.

Dr. Alenko said, “I don’t miss those days.”

She addressed Kaidan’s mom. “Um, I'll, uh, be going down to Rio for a few months.”

Mina cocked her head to the side, still studying Kate. She felt like a bug under a microscope. Kaidan hissed, “Ma. _Stop it._ ” She looked between the three of them, sensing some kind of unspoken communication, but uncertain of what it was. She was missing something and it made her skin crawl.

Dr. Alenko whistled in surprise. “The Villa! Congratulations! That's an honor.” Former military? She knew how to deal with that.

She settled into a loose parade rest. Dr. Alenko, she was comfortable with. “Yes, sir. Thank you. I just received the invitation today.”

“Well, best of luck. That's some tough course work, there.” He pushed Mina in front of him towards the door. “We've got to be going. I hate to cut it short, but we have hungry mouths back on the orchard. Have fun, kids.”

Mina called out, “Lovely to meet you. Kaidan, text me tomorrow? Maybe we can do breakfast before you have to get back.”

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Alenko, Mrs. A. Thank you,” she said.

Kaidan rubbed his temple. “Ok, Ma. Love you.”

“Love you too, pumpkin.” She turned to Albert as they walked out the door. “Isn't that the one who—” The door closed behind them, cutting her off.

Kate decided to spare his pride and avoid 'pumpkin', though she wanted to laugh. “I don't think your mom likes me. Was I awful?” She rubbed the inside of her elbow.

"Yeah, you were fine. I'm...sorry about Ma. She can be a little...strong." He rubbed awkwardly at the back of his neck. “Bathroom's over there if you need to use it.”

“She seems...like a mom.” Protective, inquisitive, and looked like every fantasy mother Kate had ever pictured. She went to the bathroom and washed her hands, splashing water over her face. She paused a moment to brace her hands on the sink and center herself before straightening her hair and exiting the bathroom.

“Yeah, she…she definitely is that, heh. She likes you fine. If she didn't, she'd have tried to physically remove you from the apartment,” Kaidan said.

She grinned nervously as he passed her to take her place in the bathroom. “I appreciate that you said try, but I think your mom could take me.”

He called out from behind the door. “She's no slouch, but she doesn't have the grappling down. She _does_ , however, know how to use a lunge whip with alarming competence…”

She wandered around, gaping at the apartment. “I'll keep that in mind.” She felt a little freaked and a little jealous. Her childhood nickname came from killing people. Pumpkin, while adorable and probably embarrassing, was better. Normal.


	5. Gray Cats

He came out of the bathroom. “Where would you like to go?”

She shrugged. “Your turf. You pick.”

“What're you feelin'? Burgers, bar food, fish...nightclub?”

That was safer. “I wouldn't say no to a nightclub. I don't think I'm going to have many opportunities to let loose over the next few months and I don't really know anyone...here. Do you mind if we take a cab, though? I don’t drink and drive the bike. I can pick it up from here in the morning if you’re okay with me leaving it.”

He nodded, tilting head to the side. “No problem. Could even walk, probably, if you wanted.”

“Even better.” She plucked at her jacket. “You don't mind that I smell like horses, do you? It's in the leather.”

“I don’t think anyone will notice, to be honest,” he said.

“I wasn't asking about anybody else. You're going to be the one walking beside me,” she pointed out.

“Oh! I think we already established I like the smell of horses.” He locked the door behind them and held the elevator for her.

“On horses,” she said with a grin, following him in. "Oh. By the way, for the record. The uh, clarification about colleagues versus student/instructor? I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable. Your mom had a look. I didn't want them to think you were breaking the rules.” She looked around the elevator, imagining one of them pinned against the wall.

“Ah, I see. Eh, that was probably my own damn fault. I'm just so used to calling you guys my students, I just...do. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think.” He directed her out of the elevator when it reached the ground and walked down the street, pointing out the club. “This one's pretty good. Has a couple of different levels.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” she said, cocking her head at him. “Their opinion doesn’t matter to you?”

“Well, not really. I'm allowed to live my life and make my own choices. I would, of course, prefer that they _like_ my choices, but I know even if they don't, they respect them.” He didn’t just have a family. He had a healthy one. She wondered if he knew how lucky he was. He smiled affectionately. “They’re good people.”

“That kind of security must be comforting,” she mused.

“Yeah, they...definitely stood by me during some rough times,” he said. She glanced down at her fingers, wondering if his definition of rough times could in any way compare to hers. “You okay?” She nodded and he tapped her arm and headed into the crowded bar. “What’s your poison?”

“Jameson. You?”

“Works for me tonight. How many?”

“Have them leave the bottle if you don't mind. Takes a lot to get me even buzzed.”

“Uh, yeah...also biotic. I wrote the book on how much it takes to even feel anything.”

“If I'm going for utterly wasted, it takes ryncol. I think I'll go for a little less 'Did we exist last night' and a little more 'Damn, that was fun,’” she said with a wink.

“All right, then. A bottle apiece,” he said, swiping his credit chit.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she protested.

“Yeah, well, you didn't have to buy lunch.” He took a pair of bottles and glasses from the turian bartender and carried them to a table. She slid into the booth and watched him pour. “This is to celebrate you getting into N School. Congratulations. I mean it.” He passed her a glass and toasted her.

“Thanks, LT. Call lunch an early birthday present, then.” She tossed back her shot and poured another, at a loss for what to do next. She’d only ever drank alone in a dark corner booth. This was too exposed. It made her spine itch. 

“Fair enough. Here's to being on the downward side of 25.” He toasted again and slugged it back.

He was back on that again? “Here’s to feeling _young_ , LT,” she said.

“Heh. _Young_. What’s that?” he asked with a grin.

“In Kahje years, you’re only…twenty-one, I think,” she said, running the calculation in her head. “If I’m doing my math right.” Kahje years were longer than Terran ones.

He snickered. “So, what, like a dog year or something? A 'hanar' year?”

“Drell, actually,” she said.

“I like that. A drell year....has a nice ring to it,” he said, pouring another shot for them both.

“It’s all in your perspective,” she said, taking the drink. He followed suit, suppressing a wince. “Need a chaser?” she teased. 

“Maybe. It's been awhile since I've pounded a bottle like this. 'M out of practice,” he said.

“You can take your time, y'know. We do have all night and I'd rather my drinking partner stay upright through _most_ of it.” The liquor was beginning to send its warm buzz through her. She rolled her head on her shoulders, enjoying the sensation.

“I can still match you, shot for shot.”

“That a challenge, LT?”

“Goddamn _Marine_...can outlast, out-gun, out-drink, and out-fff... _ahem_...with the best of 'em.”

She snorted. “ _Ff-ahem_? That what we’re calling it these days?”

His ears flushed at that. “Yeah, all right. It's still a little...crass for me to talk like that around a _former_ student. Bad habit.”

She waved a hand at him. “Gah! Will you get _off_ that already? All right. Don't move.” She stood and walked away, returning after a moment with a saucy grin. “This seat taken?”

He gave her a skeptical look. “Yeah. By you. But you knew that. What're you doin'?”

“Shh. Play along,” she hissed.

He moistened his lips and chuckled, staring into his shot glass. “Why, no, miss. It's wide open.”

That was better. She slid into the booth and put her hand out. “Hi. I'm Kate. And you are?”

He laughed again and wiped his hand embarrassedly over his eyes a moment before shaking hers. “Kaidan.”

She flashed a triumphant grin and sat back. “There. Now, I'm just a girl and you're just a guy. In a bar. With drinks. _Stop worrying_.” If only it was that simple. But why shouldn’t it be? They weren’t in uniform. They didn’t really know each other. Why _shouldn’t_ she get a chance at normal like everyone else? It wasn’t her fault her life had been shit. She should be able to sit in a bar with a cute guy and flirt and maybe take him home. And maybe someday she’d find someone who could just be normal with her. Maybe it could be him. “Besides, you never hear the phrase 'Curse like a sailor'? Not Marine. In case you were, you know, confused.” She pounded her next shot.

He copied her. “Wasn't worried. Just. Never mind, don't listen to me. It _is_ curse like a sailor, but I _am_ a marine. So. Not confused, either. I'm going to shut up now.”

Her mouth curled into a grin. “Just what? Spit it out, Kaidan.”

He poured another. “I have given you more 'freebies' tonight than anybody else. Use your deductive reasoning skills. Class is back in session.”

Mmph. “I ever tell you you’re hot when you’re bossy?” she asked, propping her chin on her palm as she considered where he was going with this. He’d let her meet his parents. That was terrifying enough that if she wasn’t already decently buzzed, she’d bolt. But she was buzzed and maybe it was about damn time that she got to make a mistake that wouldn’t cost anything but her pride. If _he_ didn’t bolt with a little bit of information about her, maybe there was a chance. “I already told you about you. There was one person in class I missed in my reports, though.”

He quirked an eyebrow. “You got all your classmates.”

“‘All my classmates’ wasn’t the entire class, though, was it? Shepherd, Katherine R.” Her heart began to pound, so she took another shot. Liquid courage couldn’t hurt.

“ _Ah_. I getcha. I assume you don't need to play twenty questions with yourself to get to know you.”

“You’d be surprised,” she muttered. She didn’t know _who_ the hell she was when he was around. She wasn’t accustomed to feeling light-hearted. “Actually, why don’t you brief me?”

“Alright. I'm buzzed enough to be stupid enough to bite.” He donned a mock serious face and she reciprocated with her approximation of his instructor face. “You have me at a disadvantage, though. You got to do it sober. Make it a drinking game. I'm right, you drink. I'm wrong, I drink?”

“Works for me. Report, LT, and don’t hold back.”

“You're from Chicago. That's not that hard. _But_. Your demeanor and actions speak to something a little less than ideal while you were there. Guessing you were part of the children on the streets I was talking about earlier.”

She swallowed hard and took a shot. Trust him to cut straight to the heart of things. _No one_ had ever guessed her history before, though. He was more astute than she’d given him credit for.

“That detached and analytical manner you had while you were under me. It never went away. You just hide it better.” Damn right, she did. She’d thought. And then he’d come along and seen through it. She drank. He nodded to himself. “It’s served you well...I think you put on a brave face, but you're trying to hide fear. You can't stand that fact, either.”

She twisted her lips, considering the veracity of his statement. There were a lot of things she wanted to hide from him, but she didn’t think fear was one of them. “You’ll have to be more specific than that, LT.”

“I'm not sure what the fear is, exactly. Maybe fear of failure? Can't be fear of disappointing me anymore. Though you certainly had an element of that in training.”

He was right on that, at least. She grinned. “I’ll grant you that last point.”

“Whatever it is, you hate it with a passion and that drives you to excel. You succeed to spite yourself.”

Holy fuck. He was good at this. “There you go. But I think we both drink on that one. There's no fear.”

"Or maybe....” He leaned forward and took the shot. “....Maybe it's the fear of failing N school.”

“I’d be an idiot not to be afraid to fail N school. The DOR rate is insanely high.”

He gently placed his fingers on her forearm. “You'll do fine, Kate. They chose you for a reason. I believed in you way back when. I believe in you now.”

She bit her lip and looked down at his hand as her throat clenched. Had anyone ever said that to her? Thane. That was it. “Thank you. That means a lot, coming from you. And here's your freebie. You were the first human who ever did.” He should know that. He deserved to know that.

He blinked at her. “What?” She nodded confirmation. “Well, it's true. And you're welcome.” She was almost disappointed when he removed his hand from her arm. “Hopefully that takes away some of the fear.”

She took a shaky breath. Jee-zus, he was so fuckin’ sweet. She had no idea what to do with someone like him. She would consume him. A small part of her wished that she could be whatever he saw when he looked at her. She wanted to be worthy of his faith in her. He made her feel like she was something special. He knew about the street rat and yet he still thought she was worthwhile. She took a shaky breath. “Next point.”

He leaned back in his seat, more confident now. Those hawk-like eyes pierced her. “You're here to prove something, but I'm not sure what. Prove you're no longer 'just a student' to me, maybe.”

“‘Here’ being what?” she asked. “This bar? Vancouver? Life in general?”

He spread his arms wide, looking around. “Here. Currently, yes, the bar. But I think you'd be where ever I was, be it here or a restaurant or on the waterfront chasing stars. I don’t think you think of us as ‘friends’.” She tapped her charging heel and threw back the shot, slapping the glass on the table. She downed a second in quick succession. Right on both counts, damn him. “But I think you're trying to prove our relationship is something more that what it was.”

That word. Her jaw flexed. She didn’t do relationships. Relationships of any kind only brought pain. She could think in terms of normal experiences and wish for the essence of what he was talking about, but the label made it real. She couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do that. She didn’t want to care if he died. She wanted to cut him as deeply and cleanly as he’d cut her. She wanted to make him hurt, to watch him bleed. She wanted to fuck his goddamn brains out.

He sighed and took a shot. “I’m calling the game.” She took one as well before sliding out of the booth and grabbing his hand. “This isn't what I wanted to—oh!”

She pulled him to her. “It’s a dance club, LT. Let’s dance.” He could keep his damn romance. He could keep his fucking normal. She wanted him. He wanted her. He wouldn’t have pushed if he didn’t. He knew she was fire. It wasn’t her responsibility to make sure he didn’t get burned.

“I can only apologize for the embarrassment I'll cause you. Not very good at it.”

“You’ve never seen me dance alone.”

He brought a hand to rest on her hip. “But I’m _about_ to see you dance. Right?”

She grinned. “Unto the breach, soldier.”

She dragged him out onto the floor and he stumbled after her, laughing. “Kate, I can’t dance. Not good at it.”

“You moved with me well enough on the bike,” she pointed out, enjoying the way he said her name. “Like we were one body. Do that here.”

“That…that’s different, though.”

“It isn't. Not really. You were in sync with me, the machine, the road. Here, it's just me and the music.”

She cupped his face in her hand. “Stop thinking so much.”

He covered her hand with his and grinned. “I can do that. You're not the first person to tell me that, either.”

“Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.” She slid an arm around his waist, feeling his heat seep into her.

“So, what did?” he asked.

“A lot, actually,” she admitted. “You’re an enigma, Kaidan.” And one she desperately wanted to solve.

He stroked his thumb down her hand and gently pulled it from his face. “Man of mystery, that's me.”

“I’ll figure you out,” she said, pressing against him and beginning to move with the music. He matched her without seeming to realize he was doing it.

He moistened his lips and shyly glanced away. “I don't think there's much left to discover, Kate.”

The corner of her mouth turned up. “I somehow doubt that. You’ve had me on my toes all day.”

She slid her hand up around his neck and threaded her fingers through his silky hair. The hand around his waist tugged gently at his belt loops. She felt his thigh slide between hers, drawing heat to her core. He exhaled softly, brushing his lips against her cheek and resting his hands on her hips. She nuzzled into him, feeling the fine-grit sandpaper of his stubble. His hand cupped the back of her neck and his lips ghosted over hers. She deepened the kiss, savoring the softness of his full lips and the slide of his warm tongue, and pressed her hips against his.

He drew back and said shyly, “Uh...this is not how I usually dance. Did you...want to go somewhere else?”

She bit her lip and looked into his eyes. “Yeah. I think we should get outta here.”

He cleared his throat and shifted a bit. “Where do you want to go?”

She gently ran her nose across his. “Your place?”

“Sure,” he said breathlessly. “Should just be the two of us.”

“Sounds perfect.”


	6. Fairy Tales

Kate stepped back, letting her hands drift along his body before turning away. He caught her hand and followed. She missed a step and he squeezed gently, stabilizing her. She looked down at their joined hands, trying to remember if anyone who wasn’t a child had ever done that before. He stroked his thumb across her wrists, making her breath catch. She wondered what he was going to think about the tattoos there. Her chest tightened, but she wasn’t sure if it was anxiety or anticipation.

He pulled her to him in the middle of the empty street and kissed her softly, stroking a thumb along her jaw. She placed her hand on his shoulder, forgetting why she was worried in the first place. He trailed the tip of his nose along her jaw before nibbling her ear. “We should probably get off the street,” he breathed. She began walking backward, still holding his hands. “This is crazy, huh?” he asked.

She blew her bangs out of her face. “Yeah,” she agreed. “Who’d have thought?” She got him on the sidewalk and pulled him close again, running her lips across his jaw. “Stevens would be _so_ jealous.”

He hummed against her skin, wrapping an arm around her. “Too bad for Stevens.”

“Mmhmm,” she agreed enthusiastically. “Lucky me.” She ran her hand down his chest, toying with his belt loops again.

He pulled her along the street and into the apartment building, striding quickly toward the elevator. She dragged him into it. “Why couldn’t you have picked a lower floor?” she lamented.

The door closed and he abruptly backed her into the wall, leaning down to kiss her thoroughly. She gasped in surprise, bringing her hands up around his neck and burying them in his hair to hold him to her. “Didn’t choose it. Don’t question it,” he ordered, trailing his lips down her throat to lightly suck over her pulse.

“Why was I complaining, again?” Her head fell back and she tugged his shirt up, sliding her hands up his abdomen.

His abs tightened under her fingers as he huffed good-naturedly. “I have no idea.” She rose on tiptoe to kiss him again. Her hands slid around to splay over his back, pulling him to her. He groaned and drew her against him. “Elevator’s stopped.”

About damn time. She used her body to drive him backwards into the hall. He let her guide him down the corridor to his apartment. He reached for the door before she pushed him into the wall, pressing her body into his. She rolled her hips against his, her hands sliding down to grab his ass. He fell into the open door, tipsily pulling her with him. She followed, ignoring the table and couch they banged off of in their rush. She shrugged out of her jacket, letting it fall to the floor, and pushed his shirt over his head.

“Where d'you want to, uh...stay?” he asked against her lips.

“Where do you want me?” she replied.

“Well, we've got an amazing view of English Bay over here, or there's the bedroom. Your choice.”

He was thinking about the bay? She drew back, brow furrowing as she evaluated him. He certainly felt like he wanted this, but his hesitation was beginning to eat at her confidence. Had she pushed him into this? They’d both been drinking and they’d matched shot for shot. He had more body mass than she did, but she didn’t know if the L2 had a different effect on alcohol metabolism than the L3. It was possible that he was far more wasted than she realized and was trying to find an out for something his body wanted, but his mind didn’t.

“I want you, Kaidan, but you don’t have to…”

He pulled her against him again, murmuring against her neck. “I could say the same to you. No pressure. Not how I was expecting my day to go.”

Kate hesitantly ran her hands over his bare chest. _Good god, Kaidan, just fuck me already_ warred with concern that she was pressuring him into something he didn’t want. She didn’t know how to read him. She’d already burned off most of the alcohol and was only slightly buzzed. She’d be good to drive soon. He, on the other hand, still seemed at least tipsy. She wouldn’t have been paying enough attention to have these reservations with a random guy in a bar, but she respected him far too much to ignore the signals she was getting from him.

Her rule was that anything other than enthusiastic consent was no consent at all, especially when alcohol was involved, and his hesitation certainly didn’t qualify as enthusiasm. She’d spent too much time on her back beneath men she didn’t want so that she could keep a roof over her head and food in her belly to be willing to make anyone else feel that way. The idea of doing that to Kaidan made her sick.

She’d misread the entire situation. _Oh, goddess of oceans._ Had he offered to take her to the farm with him out of kindness, expecting her to decline? He must have. He had to know she wouldn’t fit in there. She was a city girl. He couldn’t have known she’d go for the adventure if nothing else. He’d probably expected her to be afraid of the massive animals. He’d only asked her for drinks and lunch and now it was almost midnight and she was still here. _We can stop by my apartment and clean up. Get some grub, if you want. Or not._ Fuck. He’d flat out said he wasn’t supposed to fraternize with students and then had made student/teacher references all day. _I’m an idiot._

His behavior around his parents suddenly made complete sense. She’d been supposed to retreat to the bathroom, but she’d frozen long enough for Mina to corner her and then he’d been stuck introducing her to them. _Uh, god.... Ma, this is one of my students. No._ And then, at the bar, he’d pointed out that she was interested in him and immediately called their little game. _This isn't what I wanted to—oh!_ What hadn’t he wanted? Clearly, he hadn’t wanted to dance at the very least. He’d said no over and over again. She’d just ignored the signs, taking what she wanted the way she always did.

This time, _she_ was the one who’d pushed things, just like she had with Thane way back when. The memory of the way she’d thrown herself at him still made her stomach twist. She’d gotten so caught up in wanting to experience something normal that she’d mistaken Kaidan’s kindness for interest. She wasn’t used to people being kind. She didn’t know how to read it. Shit. She never should have come here. She should have realized what was going on. She just couldn’t _read_ him and that made him fascinating, but she’d fucked up. Big time.

He’d certainly figured out that she was feeling a bit lonely and didn’t want to hurt her feelings by turning her away directly. In the span of a day years ago, she had gone from a happy if unconventional family to having nothing but herself. She'd been that way but for Thane ever since. It was the way she wanted it, but sometimes she missed having someone to share things with. The ICT invitation had brought that roaring back. If Thane had been available, she’d have called him, but for once, she didn’t want to fucking be alone anymore. She’d latched onto the first thing that had made her feel like she wasn’t on her own against the universe and he’d been too nice to turn her away. She was seven different kinds of fool. He was her former instructor, not a friend. She’d been wildly inappropriate. This was why she didn’t hook up with other soldiers.

She pulled away from him, unconsciously tapping her charging heel against the floor, and raked a hand through her hair. Heat rose in her cheeks. “No,” she said in a rush. “I’m sure it wasn’t. I’m sorry. The Bay must be dynamite by moonlight and I didn’t really have the chance to look at it before, so we can certainly do that now. Just give me an hour and I’ll be good to drive. I can get out of your hair.”

Kaidan drew back, brow furrowed.  “Yeah, it, uh...beautiful view. Did I say something wrong?”

“No, Kaidan. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s me. I pushed you and I shouldn’t have.”

“D’you honestly think I’d let it get this far if…” He shook his head, lips pursed.  “No, _I’m_ the one who should apologize. I’m sorry. I must come off pretty lonely.”

She looked at him in confusion. “What? No. Not at all. Quite the opposite, really. I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome.” She dragged her hand through her hair again. “You said you don’t fraternize with students and I’m pretty sure you still see me as one, regardless of what I may say. And you’re drunker than I am. I don’t want your body going for something your mind doesn’t want.”

He sighed, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear and letting his fingertips brush over her hand still fisted in her red mane.  “I think you should let me decide if you’ve overstayed or not. At least in my own case. Definitely not going to stop you from leaving if you want to.  Kind of hoping you want to stay, but.... Yeah.”  He sighed again and let his hand drop. “As for the drunk part, maybe? Maybe it’s just me trying to ride the feeling as much as possible before it leaves. And addressing the ‘student’ thing, yeah, you might be right. But as you pointed out multiple times, you aren’t. Not anymore. And that’s on me.”

She let her hand drop and rested it against his chest. “I don’t need an out, Kaidan. If you just want to sit together, that’s fine with me. If you want to go back to the bedroom, I’m definitely good with that. I want you. I just don’t want you to regret it in the morning.”

He gave that soft smile again, almost shy like earlier. “Unto the breach, right? No regrets. It’s going to be what it is. Whatever it is.”

She smiled and looped her arms around his neck. “Agreed. Now, if you’re amenable, take me to bed, K.”

He slid his hands under her rear and hoisted her up, quirking an eyebrow at her. “‘K’, huh?”

Kate rolled her lips between her teeth and glanced away. Her cheeks flushed. She’d bet it made her freckles stand out the way they did when she got overheated. “Oh, you know. Shep. K. Whatever. I can...not. Call you that. I mean.” She snapped her mouth shut with a click of her teeth. What was it about this guy? He turned her into a blathering schoolgirl. She’d _never_ been a blathering school girl.

Kaidan chuckled. “It's alright. I think it's better than 'pumpkin', at least.”

She smirked. “I wasn't going to bring that up. Figured I'd let you keep a little bit of your pride.”

“I appreciate that.” Kaidan nibbled along her neck.

She ran her fingers along the smooth skin at his shoulders, tipping her head back to allow him to continue. Her pulse kicked, sending desire pooling in her abdomen. “No problem.”

“Mm. Still begs the question, though.”

“Bedroom or Bay?”

“Lady's choice.”

She snorted. “You're the only person who's ever accused me of being a lady. Bedroom, if that’s okay with you.”

“As she requests, I will abide.” _Nerrrrd! Gods, he was cute._ He walked down the hallway, fingers digging lightly into her thighs and kissing her neck.

She bit her lip and allowed him to carry her into his bedroom, running her fingers over his collarbone. He popped the top button on her pants and lowered her gently down onto the bed. Her heart began to pound. She ran her hands over his warm shoulders and buried them in his hair again. He slowly undid the rest of her pants, tugging them down. He slid his hands up under her shirt, pulling it to her shoulders and kissing her chest. Kate sucked in a breath, running her hands over his spine.

“Shirt off? Please?” he murmured. “Unless you want to keep it, I mean.”

If she removed her shirt, he would see her wrists, among other things. Her history was inked onto her body. She’d never had to consider them before. Strangers were welcome to wonder all they wanted. They could fuck off. Their opinion didn’t matter to her and she wouldn’t answer their questions even if they asked. His, on the other hand, did. He already saw too much.

 _He hasn’t run yet. Maybe he won’t_ , a little, hopeful voice whispered.

 _Hush, grasshopper,_ she admonished. The girl always had been more optimistic than Red was. It used to hurt when Abby would speak in her mind, but the little voice had faded in direct opposition to Kate’s rising cynicism. She’d missed it. _What the hell. Maybe you’re right. Impulsive vanguard moment._

She sat up and drew her shirt over her head, turning her wrists so that he wouldn’t see. The rest could be explained away. There was little she could say to deny the dashed lines that ran down her veins, ‘Open to Exit’ scripted on the left and ‘Emergency Exit’ on the right, each with miniature scissors bracketing the words. What could she say? She’d been in a dark place. When she looked at them with purpose, her morbid sense of humor would take over and she put down the razor. Whatever worked, right? She also didn’t want to answer questions about Abby’s grasshopper or Gabe’s music note decorating the pulse point of each wrist. Those were for her. There was a reason she always wore long sleeves.

His hot gaze slid over her, a soft smile playing on his lips. “Beautiful,” he murmured, running a hand down her chest. Her throat closed. He hooked his fingers in her pants again, pulling at them, and she forced herself to focus on their actions rather than the appreciation in his gaze when he looked at her. She lifted her hips, letting him draw them down, then kicked off her boots and socks. “Careful. The phoenix is new. It's still a little tender.”

“Did you get it today?” he asked, running a fingertip just under it, trailing goosebumps after its heat.

She grinned. “I'd just left the parlor when I ran into you and now I'm wondering if you have any.”

He chuckled darkly, his fingers ghosting around to trace the tattoo on her side. She’d had the Reds symbol tattooed over her ribs shortly before she’d met Thane. After she’d killed them all, she’d covered it in flames. “Guess you'll just have to find out, huh?”

“You're overdressed, LT.” She gently pushed his shoulders, rolling him onto his back.

He let her move him and stretched out, watching her. She straddled him, leaning down to kiss him. Her hair fell like a curtain of fire around them. She ran her hands down his muscular chest, pausing to drag her thumbs over his nipples before moving down to play through the hair below his navel. He ghosted his hands up her arms, his breath hitching in his chest. She kissed her way down his torso, opening his belt and thumbing the button of his pants open. She tugged playfully and grinned up at him. “Off. Please.” He certainly didn’t seem hesitant now.

He gave her a half grin and lifted his hips up, wiggling out of his jeans and underwear. A dark purple flower that faded to yellow in the middle was nestled into the hollow of his hip. A few petals had fallen off and trailed down his thigh. Her breath caught. “Oh, K. That's _beautiful_...” She traced the edge of the lotus with her fingertips, feeling goosebumps rise beneath her fingers. Would he never cease to surprise her?

“Got your question answered, I guess,” he said. “Glad you like it.”

“Is that the only one?” she asked eagerly. Curiosity took over and she scanned his body for more.

He gave her a coy grin. “You giving up that easily?”

She smirked. “Have you ever known me to give up, LT?” She nibbled over his hip before licking one of the petals of the lotus. “I suppose I'll just have to do some recon.”

He inhaled a shaky breath, arching under her mouth. “Uh-huh. Report back when you've completed your…search.” His voice trailed off on the last word, turning it to a sigh.

She hummed against his skin, running her hands over his muscular thighs, and licked down the inside of his thigh to the back of his knee. He moved to give her room and she pictured licking her way back up and taking him into her mouth. _Not yet_. Slowly, she ran her hands down the back of his calves and moved back up, going to the other hip. His abdomen tightened and his hands fisted in the sheets. She nudged him onto his stomach. “You'd be disappointed if I wasn't thorough.”

He obediently rolled over, pillowing his head on his hands. “Would have to teach you by example, then.”

“You're welcome to demonstrate should you find any flaws in my techniques. Wouldn't want to go into ICT lacking in the basics,” she teased. She ran her hands and mouth from his shoulders to the small of his back, cupping his lush ass in her hands. Damn, but he was hot. How many times had she fantasized about exactly this during biotics school?

“So far, so good,” he said around a soft moan.

She ran her tongue up his spine and gently nipped his earlobe. “The field is clear, sir. And, if I may add, _mmph_. That. _Ass_. The girls were right.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m teasing you, K.”

He rolled over and tugged her to sit on his stomach. She went with him, biting her lip, and traced his clavicle with her fingertips. “Heh, I get that. Didn't know what the 'girls' were right about.”

“I told you earlier, you just weren’t paying attention. You have the most fantastic ass this side of the Traverse,” she informed him, bringing her hands down to circle her thumbs over his hip bones. His ears flushed pink, spreading color over his cheeks. She grinned down at him. “You're cute when you blush.”

“Uh...thanks? I guess?” he said, the blush intensifying.

Her smile softened at the sight, echoing something inside her. “Seriously cute. Want me to stop? Teasing, I mean.”

“I can take it. Not really paying much attention to it, actually.” He slid his hands up her torso and moved to her back, tracing the band of her bra.

She nodded. “I see. Now that you mention it, I'm a bit distracted myself.”

“Mmmm.” He tugged her forward for a kiss. “Can't imagine why.”

She whispered against his lips, “I've got this cute biotic driving me to distraction.” She dragged his lower lip between her teeth, nibbling gently.

Kaidan rolled hips against hers, kissing her deeply. “Shame on them.”

She groaned against his mouth, rocking herself against him. “He's a terrible distraction.”

He cupped her rear, moving her on him. “You should tell him to focus.”

“Gods, Kaidan. _Focus_ ,” she moaned.

“Can do,” he said breathlessly. _“_ If, um...if you want. I mean... _ohhh._ ”  She rolled her hips against him. “Drawer. Top...top drawer.”

Kate leaned forward, feeling his breath against her belly, and fumbled in the drawer for a condom. She had one, of course, but it was in her jacket in the living room. He kissed a line along her stomach to her hips, helping support her weight as she leaned over him. Her breath caught and she looked down to find him gazing up at her, his golden eyes glittering in the darkness. She slinked back until she was hovering over him on hands and knees and opened the condom packet with her teeth. “May I?”

“Er...Permission granted?” Color bloomed on his cheeks again.

She shook head affectionately. “Too fucking cute. What am I going to do with you?” Anyone else, and she’d have been out the door by now, labelling him a goddamn puppy dog and a waste of her time. Instead, the obvious evidence of his nerves was strangely endearing.

“I can think of a few things. Don't think they would qualify, as 'cute', though.”

“Oh?” She slowly rolled the condom down his hard length, savoring the feel of it against her palm. “Feel free to elaborate.”

“You seem to have grasped the concept.”

“I always was a quick study,” she quipped, trying to steady her nerves. Their nervous fumbling felt a bit like she's losing her virginity all over again. Or, what it might have been had she not sold it to a turian who’d at least had the grace to be gentle when he fucked her. Kaidan didn't _fuck_ , she realized. He made love. She'd never done that before. She knew it was different, but now how or what to do not to ruin it. A part of her screamed to run. Another part begged her to stay, to get the experience at least once in her life. She’d be gone tomorrow. It wouldn’t matter.

“One of the things I like so much about you.” He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, then cupped the back of her neck, drawing her down for a kiss. She came down to meet him, nestling him at her entrance. He brushed the top of his nose over hers with a soft smile. “Ok?”

“Mmhmm. You?” She drew a fingertip down the side of his face, examining the warm sensation in her chest with a frisson of fear.

“Yeah,” he sighed. He covered her hand with his, wrapping them around him to position himself. She lowered herself onto him, moving slowly to adjust to his size. He arched up into her, moving his hands to her hips. “ _Ohhh...._ ”

She sighed softly. This was a day of firsts and he’d given her so many already. If she trusted anyone but Thane to let go with, it was him. She braced her hands on his torso, moving slowly, sinking and rising with him. She allowed her eyes to close as she exhaled a shuddering breath. Like earlier on Cinder, her head fell back. A little smile toyed at the corner of her lips. He cupped his hands around her waist and helped stabilize her while she moved. His hips rose to meet her motion as he gave a breathless moan.

She rolled her hips, taking him deeper as a song began to play in her head. _“I wasn't always this way. I used to be the one with the halo. That disappeared when I had my first taste and fell from grace. It left me in this place.”*_ If only she really was just a girl and he really was just a guy. What could she have been if she’d had a history like his, a home, a family? If the Reds hadn’t burned what little softness she’d had away? Could she have had a man like this to come home to and make love to in the evenings rather than a series of partners she never even saw morning with?

Kaidan groaned, arching into her again, holding her tight against him. He followed her motion like he did on the bike, rolling his hips with hers. She let her hands fall open, palms up, alongside her thighs, forgetting to hide herself from him. She allowed herself to forget who she was and who she’d been.

She imagined a world where she’d been loved, one where her parents had embraced her in spite of her biotic potential, a world where Chicago’s streets had been a place to play rather than to fight for survival. She might have gone to a real school, earned the degree that had gotten her commission without a lie. Perhaps they’d have even met the way they had, connected over shared experiences rather than first times, and come to bed tonight after dinner with his family rather than drinks in a club. Maybe then she could have loved him rather than heedlessly playing with his heart in order to remember what it felt like when hers could beat.

It startled her when his hands slid up her spine and pulled her to him, touching their chests together while he rolled them over.  Ambient light from outside the window caught his eyes and made them glitter in the dark, stars against the night sky.

“...not sure I can last much longer, Kate,” he breathed, cupping her cheek and brushing his thumb delicately over her skin.

She swallowed past the lump that formed in her throat and brought her fingers up to trail through the hair over his ear before drawing him down for a slow, deep kiss. This was nothing at all like what she'd expected. Tender touches and caresses were for fairy tales, not for real life. Kaidan sank into the kiss and moaned against her lips. She drew her knees up and wrapped her legs around his waist. Fairy tales _were_ a nice escape from reality....  

His breath quickened against her ear, hands clutching at her hips and lifting her against him. He nipped her ear and gave it a quick kiss before a shudder went through him. She gasped and felt dark energy flicker against her skin. His barrier flared in response, whispering against hers. Comforting. Familiar. Something she’d never thought she would experience in this way. “ _Kaidan_ ,” she breathed, her fingers digging into his shoulders as she arched into him.

“Oh, _god,_ ” he groaned, voice breathless and deep enough she could feel it resonating in her very core. Another shudder went through him as his motion started losing its steady rhythm. “Don’t wait for me…”

“Goddess of _oceans_ ,” she gasped, clinging to him as she tightened around him. She buried her face in his neck and trembled. Their biotics hummed and crackled against each other. His washed over hers like the ocean tide and she let herself be carried out to sea on the waves. Kaidan rested his forehead on the pillow next to her a moment, panting softly before rolling off her and tucking himself behind her. It was a little daunting how well she fit in his arms. Fucking fairy tales.

She could pretend, though. Just this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * "I'm Not an Angel" by Halestorm


	7. French Toast

She woke cocooned in warmth and a comforting weight. Kaidan’s breath stirred her hair, his chest rising and falling evenly. She stiffened in his arms, realizing that she’d fallen asleep when she’d planned to at least move to the couch, if not leave altogether. She’d been so comfortable, though, that she’d continued to tell herself she’d move in a few minutes. A few minutes had apparently turned into all night. She could leave now and he would be none the wiser.

The sun was just beginning to filter through the windows, lining the room in a dim, hazy light. She’d grown accustomed to waking early in the military, but that didn’t mean she enjoyed it. She was _not_ a morning person. This particular morning, however, she was relaxed--or would be if her body would cooperate--and the flutter in her chest felt more like anticipation than panic. Her limbs released from their locked position and she allowed herself to sink deeper into the novel sensation of being held in the semi-dark.

She had rules for a reason and yet he was breaking through all of them. If she slept with him again, she was screwed. _One and done_. Don’t get to know them. Names don’t matter. Don’t hang out. Don’t stay the night. Don’t let emotion enter into it. She used her partners for the release they provided. That was it. It had always been easy for her before. Sex meant nothing to her on its own. She’d lost count of the number of sexual partners she’d had before she’d been old enough to drive. She hadn’t had sex for herself rather than to pay the bills until she’d been in her late teens. She had never slept in the bed with a man. It was...deliciously normal. _Dryer setting, Kate. No such thing._

Why fight it, though? Why _not_ allow herself to experience it? Satisfy her curiosity. She’d already broken her rules. What were a few more? It was only a few days and then they’d both be gone. She probably wouldn’t see him again. People indulged in shore-leave flings all the time with no repercussions. She wouldn’t get attached. She’d just see what it was like to be normal with someone for a little while. She doubted she’d be getting any at ICT, so she might as well get her kicks in where she could. _Besides_ , she thought, looking over her shoulder at her sleeping bed companion. _He’s seriously fucking cute._

She was awake now, so she slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb him, and went in search of her clothing. She grabbed the first t-shirt she saw and shrugged it on before she found her own in a heap.  She smiled to herself and carried it with her as she padded out into the living room on bare feet. She’d change later. His was comfortable and she was already wearing it. The view of the bay through the windows called out to her, so she stopped in the kitchen long enough to find the supplies for a cup of coffee and make it. While it brewed, she fetched her cigarette pack from her jacket, laying the garment over the back of the pristine, white sofa with the rest of her clothing.

The coffee finished, so she poured a mug and carried both out onto the deck to look out at the bay. The surface of the balcony was cool against her feet and the air ghosted chilly fingertips along the bare skin of her legs. The morning sun sparkled off the water, reminding her of mornings on Lake Michigan. She tapped a cigarette out of the pack and lit it, breathing the smoke deep into her lungs. It mingled with the steam rising from her cup.

“G’mornin’...” an amused, sleep-gruff said behind her. She whipped around and saw him leaning against the open door jam, pajama pants riding low enough that she could see the dark purple tips of some of the petals teasing her above the waist band.  

Kate looked him up and down with open appreciation, wetting her lips and tugging at the hem of his shirt. “Morning. I, uh, couldn’t find my shirt. Didn’t want to wake you. Did you want coffee? I can make some coffee. Or maybe I should go…” She raked a hand through her messy hair. This was why she didn’t do mornings after. She didn’t have a clue what she was supposed to do here. Who knew being normal could be so _hard_?

He chuckled and ruffled the back of his hair with his hand, glancing away shyly. “Or you could stay and we could have breakfast together. Would be kinda rude otherwise to just leave, no closure.” Those hawkish eyes locked onto hers again as he nibbled his lower lip. _Damn it_.

Her eyes drifted over him again, catching on the tips of the petals. _One and done, Kate. One and...fuck it._ He’d fucking thrown her off again. “I certainly wouldn’t want to be rude, but...not hungry for breakfast at the moment.”

Kaidan straightened with a mild scowl. “Bullshit. You need to eat. Coffee and a cigarette might be passable for... _normal_ people to have to wake up, but trust me. You’ll want the full belly.” He made his way back inside, trusting her to follow.

She sighed and flicked the cigarette butt off the balcony, watching it twist in the breeze as it fell. She was going to have to be more obvious if she wanted a repeat performance...but did she? _One and fucking done, Kate_. Yeah. She’d keep telling herself that. Maybe she’d believe it. She followed him back into the apartment, bypassing the living room and kitchen in favor of the bathroom. Reeking of smoke was probably not the way to get his attention...at least, not in a positive way. She washed her hands in the sink and rummaged through the cabinet in search of mouthwash. Gods bless his obsessive mother. Not only was there mouthwash, there were spare toothbrushes and toothpaste as well.

When she’d done all she could to return herself to some semblance of respectability, _Ha!_ , she returned to the kitchen where Kaidan was pulling out a toaster and setting it up on the counter. A pan was already heating up on the stovetop, a carton of eggs beside it.

“How do you like ‘em?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder at her.

She fought down the roil in her stomach and the flash of memory that it brought with it. She hadn’t eaten eggs since the day she’d found the kids’ bodies. “I’m sorry. I don’t...eat eggs.”

“I see…” he replied, furrowing his brow. “What about...hmm.” He cast his gaze over the counters, settling on the loaf of bread.  Of course it wasn’t the typical machine-sliced bread in a bag from the commissary.   “Do you do french toast?”

“Yeah. That’s fine. Just not eggs on their own. It’s a...thing.” She rubbed the knot of scar tissue between her fingers and looked away. _Don’t think about it._

He laughed as he set up his work space, dredging a slice of the thick bread and putting it in the sizzling pan. “You wouldn’t be the first person I’ve met who didn’t like eggs by their lonesome, especially not first thing in the morning. You either like them or you don’t. Simple as that.”

 _Simple as that_.

 _Cute idea_.

It was too early in the goddamn morning for this. Her brain couldn’t function yet. Coffee. She needed more coffee. She moved around the island, skirting around him and trying not to get in his way as she reached for the pot on the brewer.

“Make me one, too? Please?” he asked, doing a double-take at her over his shoulder. So his t-shirt just happened to not cover her bare ass completely when she reached for another mug. Sue her. Payback was a real bitch. Flashing that little hint of his tattoo again was _not_ conducive to...whatever she was trying to do. _One and done, Red, one and done..._

“So…‘ _normal_ people,’ hmm?” she asked, wanting to throw him the way he continually did to her. She poured steaming coffee into both mugs, wondering if he took his the same way she did hers. _Black and bitter...like my soul_.

He huffed another little chuckle, this one not quite as amused as the last. “Caught that, eh?  Just meant...well, _you_ know. Non-biotics. ‘Normal’...” His voice trailed off as he pulled another piece of french toast off the pan and replaced it with a new one. “Not freaks like us.” She almost missed the last bit, it was so quiet.

She left the mugs on the counter and went to him, wrapping her arms around him from behind. That’s what ‘normal’ people did when someone they... _knew_...was upset, wasn’t it? She’d seen it in a vid once. It seemed appropriate. That little bit of hurt in his voice certainly didn’t make her _feel_ anything.

“‘Eh?’” she teased. “Your Canadian is showing. Normal’s a setting on a dryer. You aren’t a freak, K. A little different, maybe, but not a freak. And _that_ has nothing to do with your biotics.” Her lips brushed over his spine. “Guess I was a little more right about your view of them than I realized.” Goosebumps sprinkled across his skin under her lips, sending a little zing of triumph from her stomach outwards at the reaction she caused.  

“You’re not the only one with a cynical streak. Some of us just bury it deeper. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to...I always have a hard time being on leave between tours. Can’t ever completely turn it off.” He pulled the last piece of french toast from the pan and added it to the stack. “Take what you want. Do you want maple syrup? Powdered sugar? I think we have some. Probably should check before I offer it, though.” He turned around, flustered a bit as he got tangled up in her arms. “Sorry, I-sorry. Just sorry. More of my Canadian showing.”  

She placed a hand on his chest and looked up at him with an amused smirk. _Too fuckin’ cute._ “Kaidan. You’re overthinking again. It’s _fine_. I don’t need sugar, but syrup would be nice. And you’re not the only one who can’t turn it off. Just relax.” Damn, she was _rockin’_ this ‘normal’ thing. One would think she’d actually experienced it before.

“That’s rich,” he snorted, biting his lower lip to hide a smile. “‘Relax’? Coming from _you_ of all people, that…”  Kaidan shook his head, laughing to himself and opened a cabinet.  He placed a bottle of the golden brown syrup on the island next to the stack of french toast.  “Aaaand I am further sticking my foot in my mouth.  At least it tastes better with the maple syrup.”

She raised a brow, torn between amusement and wondering if she should be offended. “‘Me of all people’? What’s that supposed to mean?”

He grinned at her and leaned his elbows on the counter, hands clasped in front of him. “Means that you were a hardass when you were a student. Still kinda are. But I am, too, so it’s all good.”  

The bastard had the _nerve_ to wink at her before shoving himself back off the counter and fixing a plate of french toast, drizzling the maple syrup in artful lines. Because _of course_ he did.  Looked like it was out of a Susie-homemaker magazine when he was done. _He_ was the one who rocked this ‘normal’ thing.

“There’s no ‘kinda’ about it, Alenko,” she said with a grin. “I’m still a hardass. You got it in one. I just hide it better. How do you like your coffee?”

“Uh, cream and sugar, please. I’d like to keep the lining to my stomach first thing in the morning.”

Kate poured a dollop of creamer into the cup and followed with two spoonfuls of sugar. “That good?”

He took a sip and reached for the sugar bowl. “Almost. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but I think I can spare it. How can you stand drinking it straight?”

She grimaced. “Ugh, Kaidan. Do you want diabetes? Because that’s how you get diabetes. I like to chew my coffee. Too weak otherwise.”

The fork paused between his mouth and his plate, grimace firmly in place. “ _Gross_ ,” he wrinkled his nose even more. “That is _not_ the mental image I wanted. Especially of you in my t-shirt. Chewing coffee? Ugh.”

“You don’t drink DFAC coffee often, do you? Pretty sure they make that stuff out of old engine oil and battery acid. I’ve acclimated.” She leaned back in the chair and added with a grin, “So...what image _did_ you want of me in your t-shirt?”

His honeyed gaze took on a mischievous spark. “Well, the one of you reaching for a mug? That was a pretty good one.”  

“Oh?  And here’s me, thinking you didn’t have a pulse again.”

“Heh. Again? Ouch. Very much alive. I see you, don’t worry.”

She scooted her breakfast stool closer to him, gazing up at him through her eyelashes.  “Sometimes I wondered if you did. Then other times, I thought you saw too damn much.” She reached up and brushed her thumb over a drop of maple syrup clinging to his lip. Eyes glittering with challenge, she offered it to him. Surely, he couldn’t mistake _that_ invitation.

“The question is _now_ what do you see happening next.” The tip of his tongue delicately followed the sweet path her thumb had left on his lip before he licked the sticky drop off it.

She bit her lip as heat flashed through her middle. _Holy fuck, he’s sex on two legs.  He shouldn’t get to be the perfect teacher and a perfect fucking gentleman with a perfect fucking body. That man should not be allowed in public...or clothing...ever._ Well, two could play at this game and it was one she was sure she had far more experience with. She slipped out of her chair and closed the space between them without taking her eyes off his. Catching the hem of his shirt between her fingers, she hitched it up just enough to hint without revealing, and settled herself astride his lap. Her hands splayed over his warm, broad chest before sliding up to his shoulders.

“I think we both know what happens next,” she whispered, stretching up to gently catch his lip between her teeth and lick the path his tongue had taken. The light blush that dusted across his cheeks was almost too much, she decided as he tilted his head and chuckled.

“That so…”  Kaidan slipped a hand beneath the hem of the shirt and rested it on her hip. He kissed a line along her jaw, following her neck down as she tilted her head back. “And what might that be, exactly?”

“Well, you _did_ offer me a view of the Bay…” she said, tracing her fingers over his collarbone and giving her hips a slow roll against his. “And you’ve always struck me as an intelligent guy. I think you can figure it out from here.”

“I’m thinking there will be a short side-trip to the bedroom, then we’ll continue this ‘discussion’ back out here, so we can enjoy the view to the fullest extent.” They stood and he tugged gently on her hip, drawing her to him as he moved backwards.She shook her head with a small laugh, pulling him back towards her and towards the couch.

“Do you one better,” she murmured, fumbling for her jacket. The foil packet was tucked in the pocket where she knew it’d been. Perfect. “Save you a trip.” She gave him a playful shove and he tumbled backwards onto the couch, light from the windows catching his eyes and making them almost glow. Goosebumps trailed after the corner of the wrapper as she dragged it down his chest. He gave a sharp little inhale and bit his lower lip, watching her.

She leaned in and kissed him leisurely before crawling into his lap again. Her lips and tongue followed the tendon on the side of his neck. His head tipped to the side, allowing her to continue as his hands came to rest on her hips again. She stroked her fingers down his chest, palms up, before lightly brushing her thumbs over his nipples. His eyes fluttered closed and his chest heaved under her hands.  She drank in the sight, marveling at the reaction she got.

This had potential.

“Eyes on me, solider…” she said, voice low. Her hand ghosted back up his skin, reversing the way she had taken with the condom and lightly ran her nails up his throat before firmly taking hold of his jaw and rolling his head forward again. The look of surprise on his face was quickly overtaken by heat, eyes smoldering in anticipation.

She released his jaw and dropped her hands to his hips, stroking the point of the bone before tracing the petals peeking up from his waistband. “Off,” she ordered.

“Heh. Think I can accommodate,” he said, voice low as he canted his hips up and wiggled the loose pj pants down his thighs.

She slid back to let him undress and dropped to her knees between his bare feet. That damn tattoo was going to be the fucking end of her. His pants pooled at his feet and she swept them out of the way before placing her hands on the inside of his thighs and giving them a firm push. They parted eagerly for her, a soft sigh falling from his lips. She gave a quick glance up at him. Kaidan watched her, eyes bright.

She leaned forward and trailed her tongue over the fallen petals, her eyes cast up and locked onto his. The foil packet opened easily in her hands and she slowly rolled the condom down over him as she peppered hot, open-mouthed kisses over the lotus, pausing only to nip at his hipbone. His hips jerked under her attentions, a low moan resonating in his chest.

 _Fuck_. She wanted him. _Now_. She drew herself up onto his lap again, but paused. “White couch?”

“Grab my pants real quick?” he groaned. “We can just put those under us.”

She gripped his hips with her thighs to brace herself and leaned back, arching her back as she reached down to hook her fingers in the waistband of the pants. Her hair brushed the floor, but she ignored it. _Thank fuck for yoga_. The fabric trailed across the floor as she lifted herself up again and braced her hand on his shoulder. “Works for me.”

Another soft sigh was punctuated by his hands sliding up her skin and cupping her ribs, thumbs tracing under her breasts as she pulled herself back upright with a knowing smirk. She wrapped her hand around him and squeezed lightly as she tucked the pants underneath him.

“Oh, _Kate_ …”

_Nope. Not gonna let you take over this time. This is mine._

She rose above him and guided him into her, rolling her hips with an extra flourish when he was fully in her.

“Shh,” she hushed him, putting a finger to his lips. “You still see me?” She slipped the tip between them and he immediately swirled his tongue around it, sucking lightly. Kaidan nodded, eyes dark as they locked with hers. “Good.” She took one of his hands and moved it to the arm rest behind his head, curling his fingers over the padding.  

He tried to look at their joined hands on the couch, but she hooked her finger on his bottom teeth and gently pulled down. “Told you to watch me...”  She moved his other hand up to her breast, covering it with her own and closing her fingers around his. Kaidan inhaled sharply. Her head tilted to the side and she rocked into him, watching his reaction out of the corner of her eye.

_Worth. it._

His mouth dropped open in a low moan, hips rising up to meet hers. _Mmph...the way you move..._ The way his muscles bunched in his stomach was intoxicating to watch. She increased the pace, driving them both towards the edge. She slid her hand from her breast down her torso, watching him watch her, and dragged a finger along the point where they were joined. Her breath hitched as she drew it up to circle her nub. Her hips jerked, but she regained her rhythm, forcing herself back under control. Fuck, he felt goddamn amazing. She shifted her angle, dragging him along that point inside her that sent tracers flashing across her vision and groaned as she tightened around him.

The familiar wash of tingling energy surged beneath her as Kaidan gasped and rose off the couch, gaze locked onto hers. _Fucking beautiful_.

“Holy _fuck_...” he said, breathless. “That was...wow.  I, uh.  Yeah.  Wow.”

She leaned forward and captured his mouth with hers, burying her hands in his hair and tugging his head back. Her breath still came in heavy gasps and a single, feral thought burned through her mind. _MINE_. She didn’t care to examine it. She could look at it later, once she was away from him. “Glad you liked it.”

“Never really had anybody do it quite like _that_ before. I liked it. A _lot_ …” he murmured, voice going husky as he wrapped his arms around her and drew her to his chest.

“Wasn’t too much?” she asked, allowing him to bring her down. He buried his nose in the top of her hair, sighing deeply.

“Nah. It was, uh...pretty spectacular.” His voice thrummed deep in his chest against her ear.  

Before Thane had found her and dragged her out of the abyss she’d sunken into, she’d developed a reputation among her clientele for being one of the more adventurous of the girls she worked around. It had become one of her specialties once she’d realized it was a good way to get regulars. There were _techniques_ to these things and far more psychological involvement than some would expect. Giving oneself over to another the way he’d done with her took a lot of trust and would leave him open in a way most people weren’t familiar with. Cuddling typically wasn’t her thing... _at all_...but he needed the reconnect. Aftercare. That’s all it was. She’d treated him like an object and he’d let her. Now she needed to reassure him that he was human in her mind. _Not_ a freak.

“Good,” she said against his chest, softening her touch and running her fingers through his thick hair. “That was...amazing. You surprised me a little. Didn’t expect you to roll with me that easily. I liked it.”

He chuckled at that and shifted under her, arms tightening a brief moment. “I like adventurous women. Kinda took me by surprise yourself. Bold is beautiful.”

“Sounds like an advertising slogan,” she said with a smirk. She pressed her lips to his chest for a moment before looking up at him.

“Oh, it undoubtedly is,” he agreed. “Some billboard or radio spot or something from years past that just burrows itself in your head and pops up occasionally at random times.” He sighed lightly. “Still true, though.” A small chirp sounded behind her and he grunted, lifting his arm off of her bare back. The air was cooler against her skin than she wanted and she hunched her shoulders. “Huh. Wasn’t expecting that, exactly…”

“What?” she asked, rolling her head to the side until her chin rested on his sternum. His brow was furrowed as his eyes skimmed the orange glow of his omni-tool.

“Uh, impromptu lunch date. I guess. Seems another blast from the past popped up again, just, y’know. Not in old, annoying advertising slogan-form. I can tell them I’ve got plans.”

“No,” she said. “That’s fine. I’ve got another fucking PR thing this afternoon anyway. I need to get cleaned up and review my notes before getting thrown to the wolves again.” She sat up, letting her fingers roam down his ribcage to his hips and swung her leg over so that she could reach the clothing on the back of the couch. “I cannot wait until this Blitz shit blows over.”

His face went carefully blank. “Oh...ok, then. Yeah. Sure. I bet it gets annoying.”

 _Well, fuck_.

“Everything ok?” she asked.

“Yeah. All good,” he said softly, giving her a thin smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “That means I gotta start getting ready, though. Gotta give myself time to travel.” He stretched, arms above his head and torso lengthening. _Fuckin’-a, Alenko. Mystery wrapped in an enigma._ “You should probably get a move on, too. Rain locker’s open if you want it.”

She rolled her lower lip between her teeth and tugged her shirt over her head. _Too exposed naked like this_. _What the fuck did I miss?_ She stood to pull her pants on before looking up at him again. “Was it something I said?”

“No. It’s fine.” He sat up and pulled his pajama pants back on.

This was _not_ how this was supposed to end. She’d clearly done something wrong, but fuck if she knew what it was. The urge to stage a tactical retreat warred with experience telling her that if she let this go, it could turn out badly on his end. He was supposed to be relaxed, not avoiding her gaze. Was it the Blitz? She was certain he knew about it. Didn’t he? She chewed her lip as she watched him retreat into himself. Something was very wrong here. She glanced at the door, tapping her charging heel against the floor, and looked back at him.

Everything about this had been perfect. Of course, it was going to fuck up in the end. It always did. She could accept that and go or she could try to get back to where it had been. If they hadn’t just done what they had, she’d let it go, but she was responsible for his well-being in the aftermath, especially since she hadn’t asked before taking over. She closed the distance between them, reaching out to place her fingers on his elbow. “K, talk to me. ‘Fine’? In that tone? That’s code for FUBAR. What’s wrong?”

He sighed again and stood up, tossing one the throw pillows that had gotten knocked to the floor in the activities of the morning back on the sofa.  

“Well, you tell _me_. You’re the one who said it first.” He shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip a moment. His voice was much less hard when he continued. “You know what, it really _is_ ok.  I...think I’m in my own head too much again. I shouldn’t put too much of it on you. Sorry yet again. You didn’t come here looking for anything and I shouldn’t...what I mean to say is that it really, _truly_ is ok.” He gave her a half grin.     

She reached up and took his chin between her thumb and forefinger and gently tugged, bringing his lips down to hers. “You're right. I didn't come looking for anything. But it’ll be what it is, right? I really _do_ have to get ready for this thing and I don't want you to feel like you have to blow someone off for me. That's all I meant.”

He blinked, soft smile still on his face. “What was that for? And it is exactly what it will be; you are correct.  Wouldn’t have offered to decline if I didn’t want to spend more time with you, but yeah. Prior obligations and such. Probably for the best. I have a few errands to run and then I have to get this place in order for the party. Pretty sure my parents expect to see you there. Wouldn’t be opposed if you were, but don’t feel obligated. I’m just glad we got to catch up again.”

“What? I can't kiss you unless I'm planning to jump your bones?” she teased. “As far as the party...let me think about it, okay? Family stuff, as you may have figured out, isn't exactly my forte. Never had one. Don't know how to act around them. But...I'll think about it. When is it?”

“Friends don’t kiss friends.”

Her stomach twisted. Kaidan’s response was just as mild as his shrug, but there was... _something_. She didn’t want to think too hard about what suggestion was hiding behind his eyes, some hint of ‘what if’.

She liked him. She respected him. And that frisson of possession still lingered, burrowing deeper. She didn’t know what they were. Didn’t particularly care to try to label it. But if she blew him off now, the answer would be ‘nothing’ and she didn't think she wanted that just yet. So, she said softly, “You’re more than just sex, Kaidan, and even that’s a lot for me. Can we leave it at that? For now, at least?”

He blinked again. “Sure...it’s gonna be what it is. Maybe later we can carve out some time and try to figure out what we are, but as you said. For now, it simply _is_.”

She fought down the rising tide of panic his words brought with them. She’d _known_ he would want more than she could give. _I’ll destroy you. I’m going to hurt you. It’s what I do. I break things._ He made her feel better than anything had in a long time, though, and she was selfish enough not to want to let that go yet, so she rose onto tiptoe and simply kissed him again. “When’s the party?”

The blush was back on the tips of his ears. “Right. Party. That’s a thing, heh. Um, tomorrow afternoon, around 1700. Ish. Nothing formal or fancy, just dinner with some family coming in from Quebec.”  

Yeah, she wasn’t doing that. No way. Just family? Not a chance in hell. That would be a _girlfriend_ thing to do and she needed to make it clear without hurting him that ‘girlfriend’ wasn’t in the cards. If he’d said friends and family, maybe, but...no. It was time to go. She let her hands trail down to his fingers as she stepped back and held them there for a moment. Missing the party didn’t necessarily mean she couldn’t see him again, though…. He was hers. _Just for shore leave._ “If you find yourself at loose ends later, you can always come save me from reporters again,” she offered with a grin.

“Sounds like a plan.  I’ll see you around, Kate.  D’you need me to show you out?”

She grinned, thinking about the elevator, but if they did that, she’d never get out of here. “I think I can find it. Though, that idea does have a certain... _allure_. No. No, I do not need your sexy ass in the elevator with me. I have things to do and if I don’t go over those notes again, I’m going to make a fool of myself. Responsibility. Ain’t it a bitch?” There she went, rambling again. The things this man _did_ to her… “I should go.” She released his hand and sat down momentarily to pull her boots and jacket on.

His laughter was bright and genuine again as he gently tossed another throw pillow at her. “What _ever_ you say, Shep. I think you have a thing for asses. Thank you for the ego boost, though I’m not sure I like what it says about my personality. Oh, I needed that. Good luck with the press. You’ll be fine. You always are.”   

She scoffed. “‘Fine,’ hmm? That’s hopeful. But...yeah. I’ll get through as long as I can avoid throwing punches. And _I_ like your personality just fine, Kaidan Alenko.” She reached out and playfully smacked his rear. “ _And_ that ass.”

He burst into what could only be described as a giggle as he twisted away from her friendly slap and caught her hand. “Hey! Alright, alright. Uncle.” Kaidan deftly pulled her into a hug, still chuckling. “No implied FUBAR this time. Promise. I’m really glad we ran into each other. Honest. It’s the most fun I’ve had in awhile. Even without the, uh. Sex. Thank you.”

She smiled up at him. “Me, too, K. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to just let go and enjoy something. I’ll see you around.”

She gave him a final squeeze and released him before turning away and walking out the door. When the elevator closed with her in it, she leaned back against the wall and bit her lip, looking up at the ceiling. What the hell had she gotten herself into now?


	8. Dust In The Solar Wind

The question followed her down to the parking garage where she donned her helmet and started up the bike. He was cute as fuck and oh, gods, the _sex_ was the best she’d had in...well, since the drell she’d gotten with out of curiosity about their venom. She directed the bike out of the parking garage, checking the time. She had a little more than she’d let on to Kaidan, so she turned away from base, going back the way they’d gone the day before. She needed to feel the wind, the drone of the machine, center herself again.

She carefully wended her way through traffic until she reached open highway and leaned forward, hugging the bike. She did _not_ need to think about him snugged up against her back or the way those muscular thighs had moved against hers, but _fuck_ , that had been hot. She’d pay good credits to watch him move on that pretty golden horse of his. Maybe that’s what the yellow on his lotus tattoo was for. The horses clearly were important to him. She could easily see him wanting to integrate his favorite into it.

The image of him leaning up against the doorway this morning in nothing but his PJ pants morphed into a picture of him working around the barn in a tight shirt that clung to his muscular frame, accentuating each movement. _Mmph. Sex on two legs, man._ She’d never seen him out of uniform before yesterday. He was hot in BDUs and gorgeous in dress blues, but he was fuckin’ _sexy_ in civvies.

Cleaning up that barn was probably sweaty work…. He’d need a shower after he was finished. Her hands tightened on the handlebars as she pictured them pushing his shirt up, licking a line up his torso, over his chest, and up his neck. There’d be sweat clinging to the hair at the base of his neck, trickling down his spine. He clearly couldn’t reach his back on his own, so she’d follow him into the shower to help... _Fucking hell, Kate! Focus on what you’re doing!_

The party _could_ be interesting. It would certainly give her a chance to do a little recon, gather some intel, give her something she could turn against him the next time he started picking her soul apart. Gods knew he’d do it, too. She’d never been to a birthday party before. It was a _normal_ thing to do and while she was collecting experiences anyway, maybe it _wouldn’t_ hurt to go. Who cared what his parents thought? He didn’t, so why should she?

She’d just make it clear she was there as a...friend. Yeah. Friends. Friends who had amazing, mind-blowing sex afterward. It’d been nice to see him let loose the night before. He’d always been so buttoned-up at school and he was nervous enough when he tried to relax that she didn’t see him doing it often. Those blushes, man. Too fuckin’ cute. And the way his eyes crinkled... _damn_. He was hot, no doubt about that.

So, party, then sex. She could do that. It hadn’t been _terrible_ meeting his parents. Albert was interesting. She’d like the chance to get to talk to him more. She’d just avoid his overbearing mother as much as possible before the woman had them married with babies in her head. That was _absolutely not_ in the cards for her. Not now. Not ever. Fuck that. It was just a party, not her entire future. Maybe she’d go, then. See what it was like. Get the experience. Maybe.

City had given way to countryside. She was heading into his turf. That was okay. Pretty country. She wondered if he’d let her see the horses again. _If_ she saw _him_ again, of course. That still wasn’t certain. She’d really liked Cinder. She was pretty and she matched her hair. The trees lining the road reminded her of the ones at the farm. If he did take her back, would he maybe let her actually _ride_ one of the horses? Maybe through the orchard? The trees dappling the ground with their shadows, the scent of clean country air mixing with that of the brawny animals...yeah, that’d be nice. Heat and muscle beneath her rather than steel...a totally different kind of speed. She’d bet the mare’s long, slender legs could _eat up_ the ground. Feel the wind, indeed. Fuck, that’d be fun.

If she could hold on, at least. How different from the bike could it be, though? Those little saddles in the tack room had looked a bit like a motorcycle seat. Kaidan could teach her. She already knew he was good at that. And when he talked about the horses, he got the same look on his face that he did when he started talking tech. He was cute as hell when he got nerdy. Those hawkish eyes brightened. His cheeks flushed. Yeah...too fuckin’ cute.

_I wanna keep him._

The fuck? Where had _that_ come from? You could keep a horse. Feed them. Water them. Whatever you did to take care of a horse. _People aren’t horses. You don’t keep a person._ Might be nice to have someone around to help with barn work. That would probably be a lot to do on one’s own. Not that she was ever going to...but she _could_ , she realized. Her amp program had sold for a shit ton of credits once she’d figured out the hardware issue with the implants. Not all of that money was tied up in the charity she’d started to get kids off the streets, give them a better chance than hers had gotten. She had a little nest egg squirreled away for after the military and her retirement fund was healthy--if she lived that long--so maybe someday. She wasn’t a resourceless street rat anymore.

A pretty house with a wide front porch backed by rolling hills and pasture caught her eye. She could get something like that. Maybe not so big. She didn’t need all that room just for herself. But a small house, a couple horses...yeah. She slowed and pulled into the driveway, looking at the animals dotting the meadow behind the house. That’d be nice and peaceful and maybe, just maybe, she’d earned a little fucking peace at the end of fighting.

She shook her head. She needed to get back. She didn’t have time for this. The hell had that man done to her? Getting her dreaming about futures and shit. She had a retirement fund because the military had required it. She had a nest egg in case she needed to bail the fuck out. She wasn’t going to live long enough to retire anyway, not with the way she fought. All it would take was a single moment of carelessness or a small mistake and she was done for. And that was okay. She had nothing to look forward to. Thane wasn’t long for this world. He had goddamn Kepral’s Syndrome. Early stages, sure, but there was no cure. He was a dead man walking and once he was gone, she’d have nothing and no one. There was no future to look forward to, nothing to live for beyond the next fight. She didn’t need to waste time on fucking pipe dreams.

She turned the bike back to the city and gunned the engine, letting the speed whip away her errant thoughts. _Let me feel the wind again._ No more. She didn’t need to dream about a sexy biotic whose eyes saw too much or houses and land or a place of her own. She had notes to review, another fucking speech to get through, and ICT. That was what she needed. She’d go to his damn party because she was curious and she wanted to get laid. _Bring it home, baby. Got shit to do._ She left thoughts of Kaidan and the future in the wind behind her.  

 

___

 

Kate gave her notes a final once-over before going to the dress coat hanging on the closet door. She’d had it pressed for the occasion, which meant she had to put the damn medals back on, a boring process that generally involved a ruler and grid and meticulous attention to detail. To make it more interesting, she’d challenged herself to learn to affix them all perfectly without using tools. She felt a burst of satisfaction when she checked it and discovered she’d gotten it right the first time. It took her attention from the massive star that would rest over her heart.

She didn’t mind most of the medals, though she believed she didn’t need a piece of tin for just doing her damn job, because she’d earned them. The Star of Terra, on the other hand, she detested. She hadn’t cared about the colony. She’d fought because she’d been ordered to and if she hadn’t, she would have fought because she was there. There was nothing heroic about what she’d done. She’d stayed alive long enough for the Alliance to arrive. That was it. She barely remembered the last hours of the fight. They were a red-tinted blur of exhaustion, pain, and drug-induced euphoria. Thinking of Elysium inevitably made her think of red sand and thinking of red sand made her want it. She wanted to stop thinking about it.

She left the coat where it was and went into her cramped bathroom to school her unruly hair into something more manageable. She’d already showered and it had dried on its own, so it draped down her back in a mass of fiery, twisting curls. She wondered if anyone would even recognize her if she dressed in civilian clothes and went out like this. She straightened it and wound it up into a neat bun, tucking pieces that fell back into place and securing them with bobby pins. There. Now she looked like the soldier.

She donned her uniform, checking it in the mirror before leaving the base hotel. Her helmet wouldn’t fit over her bun and the wind would rip it out of place, so she chose to walk the short distance to HQ. The walk gave her time to smoke a cigarette, which she held out from her uniform to avoid transferring the scent. Unlike the day before, Vancouver was overcast and the sky threatened to saturate the air with the heavy mist that left a film over one’s skin and seeped into her bones. At least it didn’t get that cold here. Chicago was far worse.

Admiral Thompkins was waiting for her when she arrived. He ushered her into a broad conference room hosting rows of currently-empty chairs, a long table laden with hors d'oeuvres and refreshments, and a dais holding a podium and more chairs facing the audience. If the room’s decorator was familiar with any colors but Alliance blue and gray, it wasn’t evidenced by the decor. Standard military, then.

She mounted the dais and took the seat Thompkins gestured to. She was earlier than she’d intended, so she called up a mini-game on her omni-tool to busy her hands and occupy her mind. _Hurry up and wait. That should be the military’s recruiting slogan_. The room gradually filled and she closed out her omni-tool with a sigh. She had to at least look like she was paying attention as the admiral welcomed the crowd and introduced her.

When the formalities were complete, she took his place at the podium, looking out over a pool of fresh, eager faces and ignoring the reporters speckled through the room. She should have expected the Alliance to find a way to twist the Blitz into a recruiting tool. They wanted her to play up the glamour and adventure, convince these teenagers to sign on the dotted line, and never mind that there had been a dozen soldiers there and only one had come back. Didn’t exactly recommend itself. If they wanted to join to improve their lives or because they believed in the Alliance, that was on them. If they were chasing glory, they were a danger to her and anyone they served with. She wouldn’t give the brass what they wanted in the way they wanted it. They wanted to voluntell her to do this shit, they’d get what she was willing to give.

She transferred her notes from her omni-tool to the provided datapad. Fuck, she hated giving speeches. Rallying her troops to go fight and maybe die? Yeah. She could do that. Anything else was a waste of time and had too many eyes on her. Typically, it was simply something she didn’t enjoy. This, though, already had ants marching under her skin and craving whispering across her nerves. She tamped it down and began.

“Thank you, Admiral. As he said, I’m Lieutenant Katherine Shepherd. I was born in and raised in Chicago, Illinois. I finished high school early and attended MIT, graduating with a degree in engineering at twenty. I joined the Alliance straight out of college, but at the time, my biotics were needed more, so I commissioned as a vanguard. Let me tell you, when I was signing my name on the dotted line, I never would have believed I’d be standing here talking to you about this today.”

The lies slipped easily off her tongue. She’d recited her made-up history so many times that it was now engrained. Thane had stuck close enough to the truth in the basic facts that even under interrogation, it didn’t waver. If someone questioned her repeatedly and in depth, focusing on detail, she might slip, but a basic overview would hold and that’s all anyone had ever been interested in anyway.

“I attended Officer Candidate School in Huntsville and then came here to Vancouver for biotics training. On April eleventh of this year, I was on Elysium for shore leave. I…” she trailed off as her eyes came to rest on a face that she’d become _intimately_ familiar with over the past twenty-four hours. Her cheeks heated and she bit her lip. He’d come. She hadn’t expected him to, but there he was, in the back in his BDUs like he’d just walked out of the classroom.

 _Oh, fuck_ . How was she supposed to do this with him looking at her? A tiny, kind smile made the corners of his eyes do that _crinkle_ when their eyes locked over the podium and her heart skipped. Nerves and being faced with him out of the clear fucking blue was throwing her off. _Unto the breach_ , he mouthed, nodding at her. He read her too well. Like a goddamn book, words on a page spread out just for him. She wouldn’t mind if he spread her out again...like a line of sand, stark red against the dark stock of the rifle. _Fuck_. _Focus_.

She took a deep breath and started again. “I was contacted by Admiral Hackett with a warning about comm buoys going dark, signifying an incoming attack.” She detailed rallying the colony, the first wave of the attack, falling back to the secondary location and then finally the bunker. She struggled to recall the faces of the soldiers who’d helped her create the barricade, forced the expected emotion into her voice as she described Private Davis’ efforts and his death. And then it was just her.

This was the part everyone wanted to hear about. The part she could barely remember. The part that had heat clawing its way up the back of her neck and her stomach twisting as she looked at Kaidan. He could never, ever know the truth. He would be ashamed to admit to knowing her if he knew. _Oh, how far the mighty fall._ That’s what he would have thought if he’d been able to see her snorting fucking red sand off her goddamn rifle.

 _Weak_. That’s what she’d been. Sure, her amp had been burning. Yes, it may have made the difference and kept her alive, but that hadn’t _really_ been her reason for turning to it, just her excuse. She forced herself not to rub the knot of scar tissue between her fingers as she recited the series of events she’d eventually put together from her own red-tinted memories and Dr. Chakwas’ report. She couldn’t look Kaidan in the eye, so she looked instead at the teenagers hanging onto her every word.

 _Time for the bullshit_. She picked up the datapad and began to slowly cross the dais, looking at their faces and gesturing to make her points the way she always did when she spoke to a group. “You’re all here because you’re considering joining the Alliance. Your reasons are as varied as you are. The one that matters to me, though, is the one that’s going to make the difference between victory and defeat. The news vids portray Elysium as a glorious victory for humanity. Those recruiting vids I’m sure you’ve all watched too many times paint it as a heroic effort and tout it as the kind of grand adventure you can expect during your service.

“It isn’t. There was nothing glorious or heroic about it. It was a fight for survival in the dark. It was bloody. It was gruesome. The troops I rallied died to the last man and I watched many of them fall. There’s no glory in that. I wasn’t thinking about being hailed as a hero. I wasn’t thinking about what came after at all. The only thing I thought about was the next minute. The next bullet. The next rocket. If you’re doing it for glory, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Praise doesn’t mean shit when you’ve got a bullet in your hip, another in your back, and a third in your shoulder and _they’re still coming_. You do it because if you don’t, the million people in the tunnels beneath you and the bunker beside you will die. You do it because _it’s your job_.

“When you sign your name to that contract, you aren’t signing up for a bonus check or to make something of your life or to get your name in the news. You’re signing an agreement that your life means less than that of those you’re tasked to defend. And if you don’t mean to honor that agreement to your very core, _you will break_. And that is not acceptable. So, think long and hard before you put pen to paper because being a hero comes at a cost not all of you will be willing to pay.”

She glanced at Kaidan again before stepping back from the podium. His face was unreadable, lips slightly pinched in a thin line. Their eyes locked and he nodded at her again. A knot in her stomach she didn’t even know she’d had eased: approval.

She took her seat again and suppressed a smirk as Major Phillips attempted to flip her words into something motivational. Admiral Thompkins scowled at her across the dais. She looked away, wishing for something to occupy herself until the rest of the speeches concluded. She sought out Kaidan again and the corner of her mouth twitched. Holy fuck, he was actually here. And he’d made her forget all about the need that had been crawling up her spine. Damn it, now she _had_ to go to his fucking party.


	9. Imperfections

He was waiting for her outside the door, back braced against the wall and arms crossed in front of him.  His face was still unreadable. “Hey, Shepherd. That was quite the, uh...speech.” 

She shrugged a shoulder, wondering if she’d misread him earlier. “They needed to know.”

“That they did,” he replied with a dark chuckle. “Though, I’m pretty sure the brass would prefer it if you  _ not _ do that again so blatantly. Might suggest punching another reporter instead. Easier to explain away to the public and just a slap on the wrist for you.”

“I told them I was done. They insisted. They get what they get at this point. I’m sick to death of talking about Elysium. It wasn’t fun and games. They want to point at me because I survived it, but they forget that I wasn’t there alone. If the fleet hadn’t come when they did, the colony would have been lost. They want me to talk about teamwork and coordination and the like, I’ll do it. But I’m not going to paint a romantic picture for a bunch of fff--ah... _ freaking  _ kids.”  _ Freaking? Really, Kate. You’ve got it bad, son. _

Another chuckle fell easily from his lips as he pushed himself off the wall. “That what we’re calling it these days?” Heat rose in her cheeks as she smirked. She’d left herself wide open for that one. He was still sharp as ever. “Sorry. Had to. So now that you’re done with this, what’re you up to?”

“Would’ve been disappointed if you hadn’t. Now that this is done, I’m free until I leave for ICT. Real shore leave is officially on,” she said, smirk falling into a smile. “I’m glad you came.”

“Me too. The amusement I got from it was worth it. Anyway, more important matters are pressing. Want to grab some dinner?”

_ Glad  _ he  _ thinks it’s funny. Goddamn speeches and fucking craving shit that he probably couldn’t identify if he saw it except through common sense. Most straight-laced marine I’ve ever met, but damned if he isn’t cute as hell. And, of course he’s hungry. Actually...I missed lunch. _ Her stomach growled and she pressed her lips together in a grin. “I think that’s a yes.” Hell, it  _ was  _ kind of funny. Especially watching the major try to spin her speech and the cravings had gone away pretty quickly once she’d noticed him.

“Great!  Next question would be, ‘where do you want to go?’ Because I honestly haven’t thought that far in advance. I didn’t know if I’d get a chance to talk with you afterwards.”

“I’ll eat anything. Steak? I don’t get real meat that often.” She began walking down the corridor, looking to make sure he was coming with her.

“Works for me.” He caught up with her easily. “I know a place. So’re you done-done for the day? Or do you just have a break between another function and then are off?” 

“I’m absolutely done. No other plans until I need to start packing to leave.” She took a deep breath. “Hopefully, once I get done with training, that’ll be the end of all this Blitz crap.”

He shot her a sympathetic glance as they turned down a walkway and headed towards the street. “Yeah, I don’t blame you. Seems like the more you want to forget what happened, the more they just keep making you relive it.”

She raised a brow. “Personal experience, LT?” She led him into the lobby of the hotel and pushed the button for the lift.  Something told her this elevator ride wouldn’t be as fun as the last one they took together. The only response he gave was a tight-lipped smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he gestured to the open doors. She entered and leaned a shoulder against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. The goddamn Star pressed into her hand and she flicked it out of the way. “I’ll take that as a yes and you don’t want to talk about it. Consider it dropped. I just need to change out of the uniform and grab the bike keys. You up for another ride?”

“If you’re offering.” The smile was genuine now. “My dastardly plan worked. Should I change, too?”

She bit her lip, looking him up and down, torn between amusement and admiration. “No, Snidely Whiplash, you look  _ just fine _ .”

“Nah...more like Boris, from Boris and Natasha. Closer to nationality that way.”

“Does that make me Natasha?” she asked with a grin.

“Don’t see why it wouldn’t.”

She put on a phony accent and said, “‘You’re so bad, you’re good!’”

“‘Moose and squirrel!’” he responded in an incredibly over-done Russian accent, arching a thick brow and twirling an imaginary moustache. “Aaaaand that’s about all I know of it. Pop could probably do a better one than me, but I don’t actually know if he remembers anything from growing up.”

_ Interesting _ . She’d thought he was pure Canadian. Of course, his last name wasn’t, but that didn’t mean much in this day and age. The elevator door opened and she led him down the hall. “I only know it because the orphanage I was in before I left was too cheap to pay for anything, so all we had was public domain, meaning it was  _ ancient _ . So, music, entertainment of any kind, really, my tastes tend to be old-fashioned.  _ Rocky and Bullwinkle _ was one of my favorites. I liked Natasha.”

“I’m a fan of all things classic. Old vids, old music...old pictures. Days gone by. It’s interesting to think of all the hopes people had for the future back then. Wonder if any of them ever dreamed we’d be where we are now.”

The door to her room opened into a quiet gloom. She turned the light on and gestured for him to come in. “In my experience, people rarely anticipate where they’re going to end up.”

“True enough,” he said, wandering over to one of the framed paintings on the wall. “Just a fun little thought experiment, I suppose. Imagining possible scenarios. The ‘what ifs’, if you will.”

She glanced over at his back as she shrugged out of her coat and hung it up. No sense allowing it to get wrinkled again. “Well...if you’d asked me a few years ago, I never would have dreamed that I’d be alone in a hotel room with  _ you _ . Out of all the possible scenarios, this one wasn’t one I’d anticipated. Not that I’m complaining...”

Kaidan shot a grin over his shoulder at her.  “Oh, I’m sure! If you ever run into Stevens, make sure you rub her nose in it. Details of the night are up to you.”

She laughed warmly. “I will  _ definitely  _ do that. Poor Stevens...but lucky me, right?”

He cocked his head to the side as he turned to face her, amused smile still tugging at the corners of his lips. “Lucky like a horseshoe.” She snorted. “Depends on how you define ‘lucky’.  The fact that we ran into each other again after a couple years? I consider that lucky.”  A brief look of concentration crossed his face, then he shook himself out of it and said brightly, “Anyway.  Food?” 

“Very lucky,” she said, tilting her head. “You okay?”

“Yeah!” he replied just a little too quickly. “Yeah, fine. Just, y’know. Hungry, I guess. It’s getting to me. We should, uh. Head out.”

“If you say so,” she said, brow furrowing. If she was going to be hanging out with him, she needed to look up the differences in caloric requirements for L2s and L3s. Or maybe his blood sugar or electrolytes were off. That generally made her a little weird, too. “Give me just a minute.” 

She went to the suitcase beside the bed and spent a moment too long deciding on something to wear.  _ Fuck, Kate. It’s just dinner. It doesn’t matter what you wear. Just pick something. He needs food. _ She snatched a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved green shirt out of the suitcase and carried them into the bathroom with her to change, wondering why she bothered. It wasn’t like she had anything he hadn’t already seen. She exchanged her uniform for civvies and checked her hair in the mirror before returning to the bedroom and hanging her pants up with her coat. She perched on the edge of the bed and tugged on her boots, lacing them quickly. “Ready.” 

“Excellent.” A glance at him showed him rubbing his left eye, but he stopped and gave her another smile. “Still want steak?”

Her brow furrowed. “If you’re up for it. ...You sure you’re okay? If you’re getting a headache, I think I have some juice or nutrigel in my shore bag.”

A frown puckered his forehead as he thought a moment. “...I should be ok, provided I get some food in me soon. One of the stupid things about this configuration is when you start to crash, you crash hard. C’mon. Let’s get going. Head out to the freeway; we’re going to the waterfront on the other side of town.”

“If you’re sure,” she said, pocketing the bike key and leading him out of the room. She watched him in the elevator, wondering whether room service might be a better idea. He seemed determined to get out, though, and he was a big boy. If he said he was okay, then he was okay. They walked together out to the parking lot and she tossed him the helmet before mounting the bike. He tugged it on and threw a leg over behind her, tucking up against her again and placing his hands lightly on her hips. She bit her lip and grinned as she started the bike. There were definitely benefits to a bitch seat. 

Her eyes flickered up to the sky as she pulled out of the parking lot and began to maneuver through traffic. It had darkened and the clouds pressed down, threatening rain. She hoped it would hold off until they got back. The bike was a bitch to drive when it was wet. It took a finesse she wasn’t sure she could get with someone in back. But he needed food and it wasn’t likely to be unmanageable, just difficult. As smoothly as he moved with her, it might even be easier with him aboard. 

She merged onto the freeway and gunned the engine as the first drops began to fall.  _ Well, fuck. This is gonna hurt without a face shield _ . She sped up, hoping to get to the waterfront before the bottom truly dropped out. If they really were lucky, it would just be a passing cell and would be finished by the time they were ready to leave. She  _ hated _ water spraying in her face and without a windshield, the passing cars on the road would have her soaked to the skin and muddy by the time they got there. If she had  _ her  _ bike with a rear seat, of course, this would be easier.

Kaidan’s hands squeezed her hips. “Turn..turn around, please. I...I need to go back; I thought I could power through, but I can’t. I’m so sorry, Kate.”

_ Shit _ . He sounded bad. That wasn’t just a headache. “Ten-four. If you need to be sick, let me know and I’ll pull over.” There wasn’t an exit in sight, but the center divider broke a hundred meters ahead, so she did a quick traffic check before leaning her weight and taking them into the empty stretch along the barrier. The rain was beginning to fall in earnest now, so she slowed and walked the bike through the turnaround. No way was she going to attempt to kick the back around with the pavement slick and him leaning heavier against her. His grip on her thighs had loosened as well, so she doubted he’d be able to help. 

She waited for a gap in the stream of vehicles coming toward them before pulling back out onto the freeway and gunning the engine. They’d be fine on the straightaway. Getting back through town was going to be a bitch, though. She called back over the wind, “All right, K. Put your head on my back and just tuck into me. Arms around my waist and hold on. It gets finicky in the rain. Gotta finesse it and I can’t do that with you loose back there. We’ll just go back to the hotel. It’s closer.”

The helmet slid between her shoulder blades, pressing into her back. His arms wrapped loosely around her middle. She’d never seen him like this before. Maybe a time or two around base during biotics school, she’d seen him with a bit of a tight look on his face or rubbing his temple occasionally. Now, she wondered exactly how much of a tell that had been.

Miles slipped by under the wet tires and glistening pavement, the rain losing some of its fury as it settled into a heavy, soaking deluge.  _ Fucking hell _ . Her panties were wet, but not the way she hoped they’d be. She rubbed her face against the slick leather of her jacket, trying in vain to get the water dripping from her hair out of her eyes. It only served to add more. She blinked hard, narrowing her eyes, and risked releasing the handlebar to wipe it out of her face.  _ Better _ . Maybe she should have kept the helmet this time. If only her barrier could protect against rain. 

They reached the city and she slowed further than she normally would have. Traffic was still heavy and they were now little more than a dark shadow against blurry glass for the people in their cages. She carefully steered through the congestion, finessing the motorcycle around turns with slight shifts of her weight and bumps with her legs rather than her usual force.  _ See? I can do subtle when I need to _ . Kaidan’s head was heavier between her shoulders than it had been even a few minutes ago. She hoped she wasn’t going to have to carry him. He was a big guy.

They finally reached the base and she was able to get them to the hotel without further issue. She didn’t even try backing the bike into the slot this time. She could get it out later. For now, she needed to get him inside and figure out if he needed to go to the hospital or just get food into him quickly. She had no idea what was wrong with him, but whatever it was, it wasn’t good. She turned the bike off and tucked the key into her pocket. “You good to walk, tesoro[1]?” she asked over her shoulder. “We’re here.”

“Yeah, uh. Here. Thanks for the helmet again. Probably would have helped you more with the rain.” The heel of his hand was firmly pressed into his left eye, breathing measured and careful. 

She gingerly touched his arm. “Kaidan, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Migraine. I can’t see out of my eye right now. Aura, y’know?”

No, she didn’t know. Migraines fortunately were not part of the biotic welcome package when she got her implant, thank the gods. She worried at her lower lip, watching him. “What do you need me to do?”

“Nothing much. Get us back to the room, please?”

“Can do, LT,” she said, guiding them off the bike and staying close as they walked into the hotel.

“Thanks.” His tone was clipped and terse, not unlike when he’d barked orders at Essex when he was annoyed. There was a different flavor to it this time, though. He clearly did not want to give in to his level of pain anymore than he already had. The elevator moved much too slowly for her liking. Kaidan didn’t say anything as he kept his eyes closed with his hand still covering the one.

“Here we go, almost there.”

No response.

When they reached her floor, she led the way down the hall, keeping a light hand on his elbow. She unlocked the door and held it open for him, ushering him through. He made it all of three feet in the door before he stumbled. “Kaidan?” She grabbed his arm, sliding hers around his waist, and he leaned on her. Damn, he was  _ heavy _ .

“Ah, sorry. Yet again. I’m...I’m good, I just. Can’t see.”

“Bullshit. That is not ‘good’. You can barely stand…” She guided him over to the bed and he eased himself onto it, carefully spreading out on his back and throwing an arm over his eyes.

“Too true. Usually I’m ok and can work through it, but this came up like a...something I can’t remember the word for right now. But it’s really fast. And bad.”

She stifled a small laugh. “Freight train, maybe?” Even in pain, he was still cracking jokes.  _ Too fuckin' cute _ .

“...was thinking more ‘vanguard’, but yeah. ‘Freight train’ll do,” he grumbled. “Any way we could not have the lights so bright?”

She flipped the switch on the wall, casting the room into darkness, muttering, “I’m not  _ that _ bad, am I?” Her omni-tool glowed on her wrist as she used it to light her way into the bathroom. She didn’t know shit about migraines except that they were bad, so she skimmed through a quick search as she filled a cup with water and wet a washcloth.  _ Fuck. Really bad. The joys of an L2. _ She brought the cup and cloth back into the bedroom and carefully perched beside him on the bed. “Either of these help? Do you need medicine? What can I do?”

“Nothing much but wait it out. Do you have any painkillers? Anti-inflammatories, something? Hell, even a soda or a cup of tea or something, anything with caffeine…” He struggled to unlace his boots.

She gently pushed him back onto the bed and began untying his boots. “Relax. This, I can do. I’ll have to look in my bag and see what I’ve got. I don’t keep much in the way of medication on me, but there’s always room service if not. I’m sure we can figure something out.” She tugged his boots off and placed them on the floor beside the bed, careful not to let them drop with a thud. She didn’t know how noise-sensitive he was, but his reaction to the light had been clear enough. She’d rather not make it worse.

Her shore bag gave up a bottle of mild analgesics and the anti-inflammatories the Alliance gave out for everything from a stubbed toe to a gunshot wound. She poured two of each into her palm and brought them back to the bed, offering them to him with the cup of water. “You’re in luck,” she said quietly. “Had some after all.”

“Mm.” He took them and tossed them back with a small swallow of the water. “Thanks. I’d be up the creek without you right now. I don’t want to be an even bigger pain, but is there a bathrobe or something in the bathroom I can wear? My clothes are still soaked and I don’t really want to keep lying on the bed in them.”  

“Heh. Afraid military hotels aren’t that posh. However, it won’t bother me if you want to get out of those clothes. I’m still soaked, too. Wet clothing is miserable.” She peeled her jacket off and tossed it over the back of the chair near the bed.

“Here’s my shocked face,” he groaned, rolling over and only succeeding in turning himself facedown. “Ugh…”

“You sure you don’t want any help?” she asked, skeptical. The only response was another groan buried in the pillow. “Okay, tesoro. Roll over.” She gently took him by the shoulder and rolled him onto his back again so that she could access the buttons on his wet BDU shirt. Undressing him had been part of the plan for tonight, but not like this. However, she found that she didn’t mind helping him out. There had been a time when she’d been good at this. Apparently, that part of her was still there somewhere, just buried deep. 

She pushed the wet shirt off his shoulders and worked it down his arms, trying not to jostle him any more than she had to. “Pants?” she asked when he was bare to the waist.

“Unless you like wet bedclothes. I don’t,” he mumbled, shifting and trying to tug his pants off. “They’ll be kinda soggy as it is now. Should’ve stripped before laying down.”

“I can get housekeeping to bring dry blankets,” she said, brushing his hands away. She pulled the heavy fabric down over his legs and carried it into the bathroom to hang over the shower curtain rod so they could dry. On her way back, she snagged a towel and she sat down beside him again, carefully rubbing it over his damp skin. She passed it to him so that he could dry his hair if he wanted and sent a message to the front desk using the comm by the bed. Blankets and food, maybe? He’d requested tea. She could do that, too. “You gonna be hungry any time soon? I can get them to bring up some toast or something.”

“Nah..too far gone at this point. I just need to sleep it off and wait it out. ‘M sorry again. Not exactly how I pictured this going.” His face was buried in the pillow, words muffled.

“You don’t need to apologize, K.” A faint knock at the door announced the housekeeper, so she went to it and accepted the blanket and tea bag without allowing the woman into the room. She could swap them out on her own and figured Kaidan would rather not have a stranger ogling his ass. He shifted a little so she could strip the wet blanket and she settled the dry one over him, placing the tea bag on the nightstand for later if he wanted it. 

She stripped out of her own wet clothing and put on an oversized, soft PT shirt before crawling into bed beside him and patting her thigh. “C’mon. Getting you to sleep is something I  _ can _ help with.” A noncommittal grunt was the only response she got. She stroked a hand down his back. “You don’t want your head rubbed?” Letting someone that close to her personal space outside of sex was unheard of for her, but the article had mentioned pressure points that could help and she found she didn’t like seeing him in pain more than she disliked having someone in her space.

He peered blearily out from the pillow at her. “I know you’re trying to help, but seriously, the best thing for it is dark and quiet. It...it’s hard to describe, and unless you get them yourself, you really just don’t... _ know _ .” 

_ Ouch... Well, fuck you, too, then. _ She removed her hand from his back and placed it in her lap.  _ This is why I don’t do people.  _ She shouldn’t have offered.

He sighed and buried his face back in the pillow. “Light is brighter. Feels like white-hot knives poking through my eyes. Noises are louder. Echo-y. Insufferable. My head is in a vice, and there’s no relief from the pressure. Touching me makes little shocks go through my brain. I just...need to work through it. And hope sleep takes me sooner than later.”

She bit her lip and looked around the dark room. Clear enough. She couldn’t help.  _ Damn it. _ She hated being presented with a problem for which there was no solution. She didn’t appreciate being patronized, either. She understood pain. A simple ‘No, thanks. That just makes it worse,’ would have sufficed.  _ What’d you expect, Red? He knows you were a street rat. People expect street rats to be stupid. Plus, he probably still sees you as a student. He lectures. That’s what he does. _

There was really nothing left to do and it was still too early to go to sleep, so she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She had questions, but they could wait. For now, she just needed to find a way to occupy her mind for the next...however many hours.

His breathing evened out next to her as he dropped off to sleep. She slipped quietly out of bed and went to the overstuffed chair beside it. If he didn’t want to be touched, then she couldn’t put her back to him and with him in the bed, she couldn’t curl up against the headboard. 

She judged it safe to activate her omni-tool and read until her eyes got heavy. The other blanket was still wet, so she folded it and put it outside the door before hanging the rest of their clothing up and finding the hoodie she’d stolen from Essex. She carried it back to the chair and curled up in it, using her hands as a pillow, and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Tesoro: Literally, 'treasure'; usage is equivalent to 'honey'


	10. Fire-Breathing Damsels and Dragons in Distress

The next morning found her waking up to a heavy weight on her leg.  Kaidan’s hand had found its way to her bare knee at some point during the night. She cocked her head, looking at the contrast of his tan against her pale skin. Why had he done that? He’d said he didn’t want to be touched, so why reach out for her? And he hadn’t just flopped it there, either. His fingers were wrapped around the bone, his thumb tucked into the crook. Like he was holding onto her in his sleep.  _ Huh. _ He’d managed to throw her off yet again. Being around him was like running on the side of a sand dune. As soon as she thought her feet were solidly planted, the ground slipped out from beneath them. It intrigued and infuriated her.

_ I know you’re trying to help, but… _ Yep. Still stung. She detested being patronized. The complications she’d read about...could she really be blamed for worrying? It had been a long fucking time since she’d let herself get invested in someone enough to be concerned for their welfare. She didn’t know  _ what  _ this was and she wasn’t looking for a definition for it, but she wasn’t indifferent to him and wasn’t that fucking terrifying? 

The price she had to pay for her dryer setting was giving a shit. She wasn’t used to doing that for anyone but Thane, but it was too late now. She could cut bait before it got any deeper or she could take a chance and see where it led. It wasn’t like she was going to fall in love with him or anything. She doubted she had the capacity to form attachments like that anymore. She could still control her risk. She was leaving tomorrow anyway. One day wouldn’t make that much of a difference. 

She looked down at his hand again. She would see what the situation looked like when he woke and go from there. If he pulled away again or was still distant, she’d make sure he was all right, send him on his way, and call it a day. No harm, no foul. He interested her. He made her laugh. He saw her in a way no one had in a long time. When he looked at her, he made her think she could be someone worthwhile. She didn’t want to give that up yet. But, she didn’t go where she wasn’t wanted. 

She was thinking herself in circles. She’d let him make the call. For now, though, she was hungry and he didn’t look like he was going to be waking up anytime soon. She moved his hand back onto the bed and walked around to the comm to place an order for room service. He could pack away even more than she could, so after a moment of deliberation, she ordered one of everything on the menu. That should cover both of them. 

While she waited, she went into the bathroom to shower. She’d fallen asleep with her hair wet. It smelled like rain and was tangled into a nest of wet knots. By the time she’d worked through them, she had just enough time to wrap a towel around it and another around herself so that she could answer the door. Kaidan still didn’t wake as the private who’d brought the food up set it up on the table in the sitting area or when she dug through her shore bag for clean clothing or when she folded his and placed it on the end of the bed. She checked to make sure he was still breathing and placed a cup of coffee on the nightstand by his head. Maybe the smell would bring him around. If not, there was a heating unit for the food. 

She didn’t bother to leave the room to dress. That man seriously slept like the fucking dead. A low groan and rustle of bed clothes came from behind her and she turned, clutching her shirt to her chest.  _ Of  _ all _ the motherfuckin’ times for him to goddamn wake up.. _ . Kaidan was struggling to roll over on his side and rubbed his eyes. He peered blearily at her yanking her shirt over her head and crossing her arms under her chest.

“...how long was I out?”

She glanced at her omni-tool. “About eleven hours,” she answered.

“Fuck me…” he groaned, sitting up and rubbing his temples. “I’m so sorry. That’s one of the worse ones I’ve had in awhile. Couldn’t have been much fun for you. I tried not to be snappish.  Not sure how well I succeeded. If I was, I...it wasn’t you. I hope I didn’t offend you.”

She pressed her lips together and carried her pants into the bathroom. She was not having this conversation half-naked with him in nothing but his boxers. She hadn’t expected the apology. Once again, the sand was slipping under her feet. She chewed her lip as she considered and told herself not to think about how fuckin’ cute he was with a crease in his skin from the pillow and his hair ruffled from sleep. 

She didn’t mind him keeping her off-balance. That made him interesting. What she  _ did  _ mind was him lashing out at her over things that were not her fault. He’d done it the morning before when he’d misread her and again last night when she was trying to help him. He seemed to be good at catching himself and apologizing, but that didn’t negate the sting. This was why she didn’t do people. Give a shit about them and you gave them the power to hurt you. She could take a lot of damage, but people she allowed in had always been able to cut deep. It was easier to keep them out than to give them that power.

He was going to expect a response and for once, she didn’t know what to say. Social norms called for her to let it go with an ‘it’s ok’ and she generally gave people what they expected, but if she did that now, she knew herself well enough to know that she wouldn’t see him again after he left. That would put him into the same category as the general public and she didn’t care about them. Yet again, he’d put the choice back on her and didn’t even realize he’d done it. Cut bait or see it through? 

_ At least give him a chance _ , Abby’s voice whispered. There she went, being all hopeful and shit again. Still...she was usually right. He was probably willing to acknowledge it and talk if he’d brought it up on his own. She didn’t want an obligatory preemptive apology. Words on their own were wind.  _ So let him show it. _ She groaned and rolled her eyes. “Jee _ zus _ . The things I do for you, grasshopper,” she muttered.  _ Fine _ . She’d talk to him. 

She tugged her pants on and toweled her hair. Good enough. It would take too long to dry out. The food would be cold. She let it fall down her back in wild ringlets. It would mean straightening it later, but she could do that when breakfast wasn’t steaming on the table and he wasn’t waiting for a response. She went to the doorway and leaned her shoulder against the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest again. 

“You  _ were  _ kind of an ass,” she said mildly. “Not sure if it was intentional or not and I know you were in pain and I’m trying to keep that in mind, but I still don’t appreciate being talked down to. You know I was a street rat, so I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that parts of that story I gave yesterday are bullshit, but I really did complete an engineering course by the time I was twentyish. I may be foul-mouthed, but I’m  _ smart _ , Kaidan. And I’ve had tension headaches and I’ve had concussions. I don’t need to have directly experienced a migraine to realize it hurts like a son of a bitch and I  _ do  _ know how to research things I don’t already know about. Migraines with aura can cause strokes and seizures, both of which can  _ kill you _ .” Her brow furrowed and she chewed her lip before adding, “So, yeah. I was worried and I wanted to do  _ something _ to help. And then you told me off for it. ‘Offended’ isn’t exactly the right word for it.”

He pursed his lips and fiddled with the comforter pooled in his lap. She stared at him evenly, waiting. Ball was in his court, as it were, and that was all she was willing to give at this point.  

“Yeah, and I own that. Doesn’t make it right, I know. Neither does continuing to apologize. I just…” He shook his head and glanced  to the side. “I don’t know what it is about you, exactly, but you’re unlike anybody I’ve ever met before. Sure, you were a student of mine, and one of the brighter ones. I  _ know  _ you’re not stupid. Kind of upset you would even think that. If I didn’t think you were worth it, I would have let you die on your principled sword.”

She blinked. Not exactly what she had been expecting him to say, but really, she needed to learn to stop expecting him to do the things she expected.  He furrowed his brow, pursing his lips again. “Wait...what do you mean,  _ research _ ?”  

She shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve never had a migraine. I didn’t know what to do for it. So, I looked it up.”

“You...y’did? When?”

“After I turned the lights off. I realized I didn’t know what you needed, but I could find out without making you talk more than you had to. Went into the bathroom. The water and the washcloth were suggestions. Pressure points and scalp massage were others. I figured I’d throw it all at the wall and see what stuck. You needed  _ something _ . I was afraid I was going to need to take you to the hospital. And I needed to see what the potential complications were if I didn’t.”

His face softened and his shoulders slumped. “And that’s when I told you to stop trying to help. I’m an ass. I’m...I’m sorry, I didn’t know what you were doing and I’m just so used to dealing with this stuff on my own, I...doesn’t make it right.”

She examined her fingernails and conceded, “I don’t really know how to be taken care of, either. But, yeah, that’s the crux of it. I just...I’m not used to worrying about people. I might have overreacted a little.”

“Kate…” he sighed, a little wrinkle forming between his eyebrows. Much as she was loathe to admit, he was a little endearing when he tried to explain. “...everything just seems to go hard to port with you, and it throws me off. But I  _ like _ that it does. I truly didn’t mean to imply you weren’t intelligent, or that because you grew up on the streets you couldn’t possibly be anything other than a stereotype. Wasn’t even a thought in my head. Promise. Your actions define you, not your past. And mine so far haven’t been very...I dunno, good? I guess? With you, anyway. I feel like every turn right now, I’m messing it up and this is just one more thing.” He sighed. “And now I’m over-explaining and over-thinking and sticking my foot in my mouth yet again, and I’ll be honest. I’m not the greatest at articulating what I’m thinking at any given point, but…”

She pushed away from the door and crossed the room. She perched on the end of the bed with her legs crossed and reached out, placing her fingers over his. “And you’re still doing it. Relax, K. Just...talk to me.” She raked her other hand through her hair. “I don’t know how to do this. I meant it when I told you way back when that I don’t do people. It’s been a very long time since I’ve... _ cared _ , I guess. It doesn’t come easily to me. It’s one step forward and two steps back because it’s easier to stay behind the barrier than it is to open up. So, just...talk to me.” 

He smiled shyly and tilted his head to the side, ruffling the back of his hair with his free hand. The other brushed his thumb gently over her knuckles. “That’s what I’m trying to do...it’s a bit difficult. Not used to it. I, uh. Got burned a few times in the past, and it makes me probably a little more cautious than I should be in some regards. So I’m struggling not to get my hopes up on anything here, because it doesn’t seem like you’re wanting anything more than a few nights and that’s fine with me. It really is. But if you’re interested in seeing where this goes, no matter how long it takes, I’d like the chance. And if not, it’ll be what it is. Just like we said.”

She looked down at their hands and tugged on the end of one of her damp ringlets. What he was proposing, she’d never considered before.  _ See where it goes, hmm? _ Maybe it was time for an impulsive vanguard moment. For all his uncertainty, he was like Thane in that he was more than capable of taking care of himself. For now, his position at biotics school kept him relatively safe. The danger in opening up to him came from  _ him _ , not from the outside. And...this mattered to him. She wasn’t ready for a relationship or anything. Not her thing. But, did it really need a label? She liked him even when he pissed her off. She liked being around him. She certainly liked the sex. So...maybe they just wouldn’t cut it off when she left. Let it be whatever it was for a little while, see how it went. Take it a day at a time. No pressure. No commitments. She could do that. Maybe. 

“I’ve never done the whole guy/girl thing,” she said slowly. “It’s never been more than just sex for me. I don’t have the first clue what I’m doing here or how it’s supposed to go or even what a healthy example of it looks like. I haven’t been burned in that regard because I’ve never experienced it  _ at all _ . So...just be patient with me, ok? I’m in uncharted waters and I’m pretty sure that here there be dragons.”     

“Fire-breathing damsel and a dragon in distress, that’s us…” he chuckled. “Likewise on the patience thing. We’ll both need to listen to each other, I think, and try not to jump to conclusions.  I don’t know what monsters of the deep you’ve got buried in your past, and I’m not about to tell you mine just yet, either, because they are definitely there. But of the little I  _ do _ know, there are a few parallels. Now, I don’t know about you, but there is a pretty awesome spread of food out. And it’s getting cold. Can I fix you a plate?”

She smirked and shook her head. “You and food. At least I know how to get on your good side now.”

He laughed again. “Way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach, right? I’m joking. Not trying to put any pressure on.”

Her smirk turned to a grin and she teased, “The stomach? Hmm...I always thought it was through the ribcage…” She leaned forward and brushed her lips over his. “I can take a joke, K. Not running.”

“Mm.  Left of the sternum, between the ribs and up, right?”

Her smile widened. “Mmph. Maybe you  _ can _ handle me, after all…”


	11. Family Matters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KS A/N: In honor of N7 Day and in apology for being late (real life kicked our collective ass this week), we're bringing you *two* chapters. Enjoy!
> 
> Glossary (since they're just one happy little multi-lingual family):  
> 1\. Ercolino--Little Hercules  
> 2\. Molleggiato--springy/bouncy one  
> 3\. Tante--aunt  
> 4\. Mi dispiace, bambino. Tranquillo--I’m sorry, baby. Be calm.  
> 5\. Arrêt. Maintenant--Stop. Now.  
> 6\. Comme tou le souhaitez, Kaidan, laisser aller--As you wish, Kaidan. Let it go.

“I’m freaking out.”

“Don’t freak out, you’ll be fine. This is much easier than the press conference.”  

Kate had to bite back a small laugh; the whole scenario was a little ridiculous. Kaidan had a dust rag tucked in the back pocket of his jeans that looked like a tail and he was running the vacuum on the white area rug in front of the wall of windows facing English Bay. It was just a matter of time before the white gloves came out, she thought to herself, torn between amusement and panic.

“Says you! You already _know_ these people. And you know how I am with people,” she said, rubbing the webbing of her fingers. This had been a bad idea. A really bad idea. His parents were going to be here soon. His _mother_ was going to be here. She shuddered. “I’m going to embarrass you. Just watch.”

“I highly doubt that,” he replied, matter of fact. He shut off the vacuum and started winding the cord up. “Already told you. Ma can tell some stories about me. And they won’t call you ‘pumpkin’, either. So there’s that.”

“I think that embarrasses you more than it should,” she said, leaning back against the counter behind her. “I mean, c’mon. It can’t be _that_ bad. You’ve got a mom who cares enough to give you a cutesy nickname. I’m a bit jealous of that, honestly. So I think ‘pumpkin’ is awesome. Though, she still scares the hell out of me.”

A muffled chuckle came from down the hall as he stowed the vacuum in the closet. “Still don’t see why she does. She’s benign. Promise.” He came back out into the great room and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, then offered her a sip.

She took it and swigged probably more than he’d intended before handing it back. “Benign. Ha! That woman is either going to rip me to shreds or have us married with a white picket fence and a house and a dog and 2.68 kids by next week!” _Probably with my own damn shotgun to my back._

“No,” he replied, furrowing his brow at the half empty water bottle he received back. He went and got another one. “Four weeks. She’s gotta make sure you and her would get along first.” _Uh huh. I can just see her showing up in Rio and dragging my happy ass out of ICT for her pumpkin._ His omni-tool pinged just then. “Speak of the devil. They’re on their way up.”

She swallowed hard and smoothed her shirt before running a hand over her hair. Parents cared about shit like that, right? _Fuuuuck_ . This was different than running into them before. This time, the parents _mattered_. She and Kaidan were... _something_...now. She didn’t know what, but that meant his parents should like her, didn’t it? She didn’t fucking know how to do this. Polite company wasn’t her thing. Military functions were one thing. There were protocols in place. It was familiar. This, though, was so far out of her element, she had no point of reference.

“Ok, so let’s put this in a context that might make you feel more at ease. Mission brief? That work?” He finished the first water bottle and picked up the second.

She heaved a sigh of relief. He might keep her running on sand dunes at times, but others, he just _got_ her. At those times, he was a damn rock. “Hell yes.”

“Right. You already know two of the players. Pop’s a retired Alliance surgeon. He’s safe to go to and hide from other people. Ma will want to get to know you, know your history, but she’ll ask a million questions a minute. Just let her do it. You give her an answer, that just gives her fuel for more questions. She’ll keep it moving enough that you won’t really have to worry about actually answering her on most things. Um. Next is my uncle Arnie. He’s Pop’s older brother, half retired from the agro business. I don’t expect my cousins from him to be here; they’ll be too busy with the farm. He was also Alliance? I think? But he got out way earlier than Pop did. He’ll be interested in your military history, so expect him to ask about that. Next is my cousin Elise and her husband Shawn. They’re in from Quebec. She’s from my aunt on Pop’s side. Aunt has been dead for years, though. And, uh...I think that’s about it. Oh! Elise and Shawn _do_ speak French, but they know enough English to get along. Shawn is also military, but he’s Terran ground forces for the United North American States. He might be interested in the space aspect, but other than that…”  

He paused, toying with the water bottle. “Exit strategies would be get something from the kitchen, go out on the balcony, or go hide in the bathroom. Wouldn’t recommend doing any of those things more than a few times, though; otherwise, they’ll wonder. Try to space them out. If you need to, just go to Pop. Party starts around 1700-ish and I expect it’ll be done around 2200. Nothing huge, just small talk, food, and booze. Mostly soldiers shooting the shit and their spouses. Less formal than a black-tie Alliance function. Sound doable?” He punctuated it by taking another drink.

She rubbed her hands over her face and breathed out. _Five hours? Small talk for_ five hours _? Oh, gods. There’s booze, though, so that’s good. But...shit._ “Soldiers and wives isn’t usually a good combination. The wives expect me to hang out with them and then get pissed when I stick with the soldiers. But...yeah. Too late to retreat now, right? I can do this. I got this. I faced down a horde of batarians. I can do a fucking birthday party.” The door chimed just then and she tossed a worried look at it.  “We should, like, kiss for luck or something, right? People do that, don’t they? I saw it in a vid once. That’s a real thing, isn’t it?” Gods, she did _not_ know how to do normal.

He laughed. “Whatever you want to do, Kate. Thought friends didn’t kiss friends, though.”

She shot him a confused look. “Thought we’d decided this was something more than just friends? See where it goes? All that?”

“Good. Just making sure…” Kaidan leaned in, tilting his head. “I could use some luck.”

She stepped forward and caught his chin between her thumb and forefinger before brushing her lips over his with a sigh. She could do this. They had this. _Unto the breach and all that, right?_ “Okay, then. We got this.”

“Mm. That we do.” The door chimed again. “I better get to letting them in before Ma decides to break the door. Last time she did that, she broke the doorjamb.” He gave her one last peck and started walking towards the front, dust rag waving as he moved.

She reached out and snagged it from his pocket, playfully snapping it against his ass. “Forgot something, LT.”

“Hey!” He scooted forward a step, ears tipping pink while he twisted around to grin at her. “You break it, you buy it. That almost hurt.”

She laughed. “Oh, come on. You’re made of tougher stuff than that, aren’t you? Or you getting soft from all that deskwork? We need to get you back out in the field if that little pop could do you in.”

“Operative word is ‘almost’,” he teased, walking backwards. “Takes more than that to decommission me. Besides. If it did hurt, I’d just have you kiss it better again.” _Mmph._ She was not opposed to that idea at all.

He turned around and opened the door.

He’d done that on purpose.

This was going to be interesting, no doubt about it.

 

* * *

 

Halfway through the night, her head was spinning. Mina and Arnie happily traded barbed insults and good-natured jabs at each other in between talking about family. Dr. Alenko sipped his beer and watched them do it, while Kaidan wound up talking to Elise for a good portion of the evening. Shawn was just like her, she figured as she flicked her ash over the balcony in the night air, glancing over her shoulder at the bright, inviting space behind her. He was silent and observing, trailing after Elise and offering a nod or one-liner every once in awhile.

Laughter pealed out from the windows and she tossed another look at it. The surprise of the evening had been Elise and Shawn showing up with a little black-haired, black-eyed baby named Henri.  

“Taking care of him for a friend,” Elise had said in a thick accent, juggling the squirming boy along with the diaper bag as she walked in the door. Shawn came after, laden down with another diaper bag, toys, and blankets. “Poor thing had an unexpected family emergency and had to travel to Europe.” Mina and Kaidan had immediately cooed over the baby, tickling under his chin.

“Looks a little like you as a tyke, Kaid,” Arnie had grunted. Kaidan’s ears burned. “Face isn’t quite as chubby as yours was, though. Otherwise we might have to start calling _him_ ‘pumpkin’ instead.”

Family.

This was what it was like.

Kaidan caught her eye through the window and winked at her, Henri bouncing on his knee on the couch, before he turned back to Elise.

Her break was over. Back into the maelstrom. She took a final drag off the cigarette and crushed it out on the sole of her boot before flicking the butt over the railing. Voices hit her in a wave as she opened the door and went inside. She gave Kaidan a crooked smile on her way to the bathroom to wash her hands and then joined him on the couch, looking at the baby. She waited for the familiar tension that she felt any time she was around kids, but he was younger than any of hers had been and it didn’t come. She still liked kids. They just made her think of things she’d rather avoid. He was cute, though. If Kaidan had looked like this as a baby, he’d been adorable. Fuckin’ cute as an adult. She should have expected he would have been as a child, too.

She looked up at Elise and gestured toward the baby. “May I?”

The elegant woman shrugged and nodded at her. “Be my guest.” Kaidan gave her a warm smile and placed him in her lap. The baby gurgled happily and kicked his legs, little fists waving in the air. A string of drool oozed onto his bib.

She grinned down at him as she dabbed it away. “You are just too cute for your own good, aren’t you, _bambino_? I bet your mamma misses you.” She gently tickled the bottom of his feet and pretended to nibble at his toes. He squealed and patted her forehead with his tiny fists, grasping a strand of her hair and banging it against her eyebrow. She winced and reached up to carefully untangle his little fingers.  Kaidan shook a stuffed teddy bear with a rattle at him, trying to distract him.  

“Hey, little man. That’s not nice…” he murmured.

“It’s fine,” she said, finally managing to free her hair without losing more than a few strands, which she plucked out of his pudgy fist. “I don’t mind it. An _Ercolino,_ [1]  hmmm? Yeah, gonna be a strong one when you get bigger, aren’t you, _molleggiato_ [2]?” It occurred to her that she didn’t have to look far for endearments that would apply to a very small child, though she’d rarely used them with her kids. Did that mean she’d heard them once herself? She shook her head. No use going down that path.  

Henri squirmed again and threw the teddy. It bounced off one of the throw pillows and knocked it to the ground next to Kaidan’s foot. A flash of heat went through her as she stared at it, thinking of retrieving his pants from just that spot the day before. Kaidan bit back a grin as he picked it up and tossed it back where it came from, catching her eye again. She leaned in and whispered against his ear, “My way was more interesting.”

“I would definitely agree,” he said warmly. Elise glanced between them.

“So, Kaidan...has _Tante_ [3] Mina left you alone about finding someone to settle down with? I know she was upset when you and Abby stopped talking.” He pursed his lips and exhaled noisily. _Abby?_ Pain washed over her at the name and she fought to keep her biotics from flaring in response. She was successful in preventing the blue glow, but could feel her energy field expand. Henri fussed in her lap.  

“Yeah, well, she made her bed. Now she can lay in it.” Kaidan shot her a look, brow furrowed. He must’ve felt the energy flare.

She picked the baby up and held him to her shoulder, bouncing him slightly and running her hand over his back. “Shhh,” she whispered soothingly. “ _Mi dispiace, bambino_. _Tranquillo._ [4]” Poor kid. She must have accidentally zapped him. She just hadn’t been prepared to hear that name. Gods, it hurt to hear aloud.

“She only did what she thought was right...she was worried about you. We _all_ were.”

“ _Arrêt.  Maintenant._ [5]” His voice was low, almost dangerous.

“ _Comme tou le souhaitez, Kaidan, laisser aller._ [6]” Elise sighed, settling back on the couch. The silence stretched uncomfortably between them.

Shawn got up carefully. “I’m going to get a bottle for Henri...he’ll probably need one, then we should head back to the hotel.”

Neither Kaidan or Elise acknowledged him as they continued to stare out the windows. Lights from the ships and the docks sparkled on the water in the dark.

Kate looked between them. Her first impulse was to get up and follow Shawn to the kitchen to give them time to work out...whatever had just happened. But Kaidan had been making sure she was comfortable all night. She couldn’t just ditch him. She didn’t understand what little of the exchange she’d heard, but his expression made it clear enough that the other woman had hit a sore spot. She had exit strategies, but did he? She’d give him one if he wanted it.

She turned to Elise and held the baby out to her. “I think he might be wet. He was fussing.”

The other woman took the baby silently, lips pursed so much like her cousin’s. Kaidan muttered, “Excuse me, I need a moment. I’ll be back.” She watched him make his way out to the balcony, not quite sure what she should do. He paused, turning to look at her. “Coming?”

She rose and followed him outside again, door muffling the sounds of the party. “You okay?” she asked softly. She wanted to wipe that look from his face. He responded well to touch, but kissing him would be inappropriate with the family inside and wasn’t sure where the boundaries were otherwise, so she let her hands remain at her sides. 

He heaved a sigh, leaning on his elbows on the railing. “...you remember me saying there were some...similarities? Between our pasts?”

She nodded. _“I don’t know what monsters of the deep you’ve got buried in your past, and I’m not about to tell you mine just yet, either, because they are definitely there. But of the little I do know, there are a few parallels.”_ She moved to the railing, facing him with a forearm propped against it.

“Well, Elise managed to touch on one of the bigger ones. I, um.  Well.  Abigail was a...rather close friend, I guess you could say, and she...didn’t agree with something I was doing at the time. Called up my parents, told them what she thought, and they happened to agree. We had a falling out after that; I didn’t like that she did what she did.”

She placed her fingertips against his elbow. “You don’t have to tell me anything you aren’t ready to, K. You don’t need to feel like you owe me an explanation. If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen. If you just want to stand here for a few minutes, I’m here for that, too.”

Another heavy sigh. “I should apologize to Elise. She definitely didn’t mean to make me upset by bringing it up. And I know it’s probably unfair of me to keep holding it against Abby. Ultimately, she did what she felt was the best option for the situation and I can’t fault her for it. I probably would have done the same in her shoes. But I just...she broke my trust in doing that, and I was handling it. Apparently not well enough for her, and that hurt. Still does. I still feel like she went behind my back, and that’s not something I can really easily forgive. You know?”    

She rubbed the fabric of his sleeve between her fingers. She didn’t really know where he was coming from. The last person who’d betrayed her trust had ended up six feet under. It didn’t sound like that was the appropriate response here. The situation was likely different, but she was reminded of Thane when he’d returned to Chicago and found her on the street corner. She’d been pissed at him for making the decision for her and forcing her to get clean, but he’d been right to do it. And if Kaidan would have handled whatever this was the same way... _Abigail_...had, then she’d probably been right, too. That didn’t mean it was easy to let go.

“Have you talked to her about it?” she asked. “Told her what she did from your perspective?”

“The last time Abby and I talked, it was me saying, ‘thanks, I can’t forgive you. And by the way, I’m joining the Alliance, have a nice life.’ She was upset, to say the least. She’d been there through every shit storm, picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together. This just happened to be the last one.” He patted her hand and stood up. “I’m good now. Thanks for letting me have the out and clear my head. I’m not ready to talk to Abby again just yet, but...I’m getting closer to it. This actually helped a bit. Telling you, I mean.”

“We all have our demons, _tesoro._  I probably understand that better than most. Just...I dunno. It sounds like you cared a lot about her and...life’s short, K. You never know when something’s going to happen. Tomorrow doesn’t always come.” She raked a hand over her loose hair. “I guess what I’m saying is simply, once you’re ready, don’t put it off assuming there’ll be time. And I appreciate you telling me. Any time you need an exit strategy, I’m your girl.”

He gave her a shy grin and she pulled her pack out of her pocket. “I’ll take you up on that. I’m going to head back in. Talk to Elise. See you in a few?”

“Yeah. I won’t be too long.”

“Ok.”  

Kaidan nodded and left her toying with a cigarette in the moonlight. Well, _that_ had been interesting. She lit the cigarette and brought it to her lips, inhaling deeply as she turned to face the water. She hadn’t expected him to be the one to need the out or to need reassurance. It felt good, though, to be able to return the favor. From what he’d said that morning, it sounded like she wasn’t the only one who got thrown off-guard by the other. So, maybe this meant she could also be a rock for him, too. She was the last person she’d think of for something like that, but he seemed to bring out a better side of her. Most of the time, at least. Every once in awhile, she rocked this ‘normal’ thing.

“Good night for getting a puff of fresh air…”  

She whipped around, startled. Dr. Alenko was closing the door, light spilling out in neat rectangles on the deck. “Mind if I join you out here?”

Not like she really had a choice.  It was his place; she was a guest.  She gestured to the empty space next to her, unsure of what he was going to say. He leaned on the railing, a paler version of his son just minutes before. It was rather striking how similar they looked.

“How’re you holding up? Arnie’s been making it a game to keep Mina off you. Says Kaidan’s friend shouldn’t be subjected to the third degree.”

“I, um, appreciate it? Everyone’s been very welcoming, thank you.” She eyed the cigarette in her hand with a grin and held it up. “Kinda expected a lecture, though. I mean, aren’t you supposed to? Everyone else does.”

He chuckled. “You’d think so, but you’re not a patient of mine. And I know people do things to cope. My job is not to make decisions for you; it’s to allow you to be the healthiest you can be so you can do yours. You want to smoke? Ok. I’ll tell you your healing factor is compromised when you do, and that you’d breathe better if you didn’t, among other various facts and statistics and numbers that you have already heard and decided to smoke anyway. I will not make a difference in that regard. I also understand that if it wasn’t smoking, it would more than likely be something else. And I don’t know what that is. So it’s a choice of the devil you know versus the devil you don’t.”

“You’re all right, Doc,” she said. “And I really do appreciate _that_. Not many people get it.”

“Addiction is a funny thing. You either are or you aren’t. And if you _are_ addicted to something, the only way to not be anymore is to replace it, usually. But that isn’t what I came out here for.”

“What _did_ you come out here for, then?” she asked.  
Dr. Alenko gave her a half grin. It was easy to see where Kaidan got some of his quirks  from.  “A puff of fresh air,” he teased. _And his fucking sense of humor. Gods…_ She suppressed a little snort and flicked her ash. “Really just wanted to say thank you for helping him get out of his head for a bit. He gets lost in it sometimes. It’s nice to see him smile again. That’s all.”

‘That’s all.’ No pressure, though.

“I, ah, may have noticed that tendency,” she said, rubbing the back of her neck and grinning. “Actually, speaking of helping him, there was something I was thinking about talking to you about if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh?” He turned to face her, curiosity lining his face a moment. “What’s that?”

She leaned against the railing and said, “I hope I’m not overstepping here, but he got a migraine last night. Said it was pretty bad and it had me worried for a little bit there. I’m assuming it’s a result of the L2. I, uh, know a thing or two about implants. What I’m trying to figure out, though, is if there’s anything that can be done to mitigate them. I’m sure you guys have looked into that. It just...I dunno. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I have the seeds of an idea, but I’m no doctor, so I could be way off base and it might not even be possible.”

His brow furrowed as he thought. “Well, the implants definitely affected them. He would get them before he got wired, but after implantation, the occurrence lessened. Seemed like the intensity increased. Trade off. Not sure why, though. All the scans and tests we did when he was younger didn’t really show much. Nervous system always seemed mildly inflamed. We didn’t know it was the eezo nodes back then. What are you thinking?”

“Well, from what I’ve read, the L2s don’t always distribute the electrical current correctly and the overload when they...glitch, for lack of a better term...is theorized to be what causes a lot of the issues in people fitted with them. So, I had the thought that it would be nice if they could be removed like the amp. That’s not possible; but then I thought, maybe it doesn’t need to be removed completely. Maybe the current just needs to be interrupted. It could possibly be done with a fine enough mass effect field, but that would require hardware and likely a VI to regulate it. I _think_ I could figure out a way to basically shield the implant without disrupting the nervous system itself, but I’d like to know I’m not completely off-base before I start trying to figure out something that’s doomed to failure from the get-go.” _Kaidan isn’t the only one who can ramble about tech for hours_ , she reflected in amusement _. I’m not too shabby at it myself. We. Are. Nerrrrds._

It was strange, she had to admit, to see Kaidan’s face and expression on a different person as Dr. Alenko processed her idea. She recognized the way he rolled his lips inwards as he thought, the quirk of his eyebrow when he worked something out, the far-off gaze that sharpened right back on her when something clicked.  

“Mm. Could potentially work? I think they did something similar to that in the L3 configurations, but they also reduced the energy dispersal cap so it wouldn’t trigger anything as a failsafe. Kaidan’s said he doesn’t really want to have a retrofit. Can’t say I blame him. Provided nothing went wrong, that’s a six month recovery period at best. He’d go mad with boredom. You might want to talk to a neurosurgeon. I’m just an old ortho doc; break something and I’m your guy.  Especially if it’s upper extremity. But actually opening up a cranium and scrambling around in there? Better doctors than me for it.”

So, it might be possible. She grinned eagerly. “If it _did_ work and could be put into use… He’d be a stable L2 with no significant side effects. He wouldn’t have to risk losing the intensity of his biotics or any of the other risks that would come with retrofitting if he decided to do it. He’d be a juggernaut. I mean, he’s already _amazing_ , Doc. I haven’t even gotten to see the full extent of what he can do, but what I _have_ seen is...he blows most L3s out of the water when he’s holding himself back. It’s _beautiful_. So, letting him keep that and taking away the pain it causes? That would be fantastic. I mean, I’d need help. Hardware isn’t as much my thing as software, but I could write a VI code that would be able to account for the different variables in play and...I’m rambling. You’ll never get back to the party if I don’t stop. I just...I guess I’m just excited about the idea. I...didn’t like seeing him in pain like that.”

“Huh…” Dr. Alenko gave her a considering look. “That’s...really nice to hear. I think you are the first person I’ve ever heard who wasn’t on official Alliance business compliment him for his...abilities. He’s lucky to have you as a...friend.” The hesitation was slight, but she caught the significance.

It wasn’t as important, though, as what he both did and didn’t say. Kaidan’s feelings about his biotics made more sense to her now. She cocked her head. “Hm. You know, I never have understood the hesitation some people have about us. It isn’t magic. It’s a measurable capability. We know what biotics can and can’t do and I know that wasn’t _always_ true, but the prejudice still remains and that’s unfortunate. Especially for people like Kaidan who take that kind of thing and internalize it, feel like it’s something to be ashamed of.” She raised her hand and let her biotics flicker over her skin for a moment before tamping it out. “We’re harnessing dark energy here. That’s seriously cool.”

His face softened. Another Kaidan quirk she recognized. “Yes. Yes it is. It’s really unfortunate that people fear what they don’t understand. Perhaps if they tried looking at the world more like you, it would be a lighter and brighter place.” Dr. Alenko gave her a nod and went back inside.  She turned her back to the door and laughed quietly to herself. If everyone else looked at the world the way she did, it would likely be a much _emptier_ place. He had no way of knowing that, though, so she accepted his words for what they meant, but the surprised amusement remained. She really _was_ rocking this normal thing, wasn’t she? She shook her head and smoothed out her features before returning inside to find Kaidan. She liked his dad.


	12. Lucky Like A Horseshoe

Mina was bustling around the kitchen, wrapping the leftovers and tucking them away in the fridge after Elise, Shawn, Arnie, and the baby had left. Kaidan leaned on his elbows on the island, watching her flit from surface to surface, wiping invisible crumbs and dumping them in the sink.

“Really a shame you have to go back so soon, pumpkin. They run you ragged."

“Ma, I’ve got a pretty easy job, all things considered. Kate here’s the one who’s going to be run ragged. N school is, ah. Intense.”  

His mother pursed her lips and closed the fridge. “That the one they told you ‘if only’ for?” Her son mirrored the expression. If Kaidan had gotten most of his features from his father, it was clear he’d gotten his mother’s coloring and mannerisms. She blocked the thoughts that tried to surface: did she look like one parent or the other? A good blend of the two of them? More like an unknown aunt or uncle or grandparent? Were her facial expressions her own?

“Yeah, that’s the one.”  

“I see.” Mina wiped the bright surface of the counter again with a sponge, following the glistening trail with a dishcloth. _Gods save me if I ever have this much white in my own house...I’d go crazy trying to keep it all clean._ Kate sat on one of the breakfast stools, watching the exchange. It was like a biotiball game, bouncing from Mina to Kaidan and back to Mina again all within seconds of each other. Her back stiffened when both turned their sharp, honeyed gazes on her. “When do you head down, again?”

“I leave tomorrow…” she said, pulling a flaming curl over her shoulder and twisting it in her fingers.  

Mina nodded. “You should take some of the food with you. No sense in letting it all go to waste. Kaidan won’t be able to finish it all before he goes back to base, and we’re not going to be back in town for at least another few weeks. Want me to pack a cooler?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Mrs. A...I wouldn’t know when I’d be able to get the cooler back to you.” It was a lame excuse and she knew the other woman knew it, too.  “Besides, there isnt’ really room. I’m on a motorcycle.”

“Offer still stands. How long’s it going to take to get there?”

“A couple of weeks if I just go straight to Rio, but I’m taking the scenic route. I’ve never had the opportunity to just explore.”

Kaidan gave her a warm smile. “Kinda jealous. Always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Maybe some ancient ruins in South America. Climb a mountain, look down at the clouds below…”  

She cocked her head to the side, thinking.  It wouldn’t be hard to swing by either place, not really. They were all technically on the way. Straight lines were for offensive maneuvers and chess games, not road trips. “I’ll send you holos.  Keep you updated on my progress.”

“I’d like that.” They shared another shy grin and his mother raised her eyebrows, glancing between them. 

“Maybe you two should plan a trip together at some point. Actually make a vacation out of it,” Mina suggested. Kate’s stomach clenched. _Too much. That’s long-term._ Please _understand that, K… Don’t put me on the spot here._

“Ma…” he rubbed the back of his neck, ears pink. _Oh, thank gods._ “Our schedules don’t match up. She’ll be busy with training, too. I’ve no doubts she’s going all the way through. That takes almost a year.”

“Well, then, maybe _you_ could go down there and visit!” Mina retorted, eyebrows arching even higher as she playfully tossed the dishtowel at her son. His ears went from pink to red. Now, _that_ was an idea… She’d have to think about it.

“...we’ll see,” he said, tossing it back. “Too many variables right now.”

“Uh huh. There’s always going to be ‘variables’, pumpkin. It’s how you deal with them that matters.”

“Did you read that in a fortune cookie?” he shot back. “That sounds like canned wisdom if I ever heard it."

“Says the guy who spouted it off every chance he got at school,” Kate broke in with a smirk.

“Guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” he snorted. Both women laughed at that.

“And my point: proven,” Kate gestured to him, laughing again. He rolled his eyes.  

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up…”

“Ooh, I _like_ her. Couldn’t possibly be because we’re related or anything,” Mina quipped, turning back to the fridge and rearranging some of the items before pulling out a water bottle. Dr. Alenko re-emerged from down the hall, joining them at the island.

“You two? Couldn’t tell,” he agreed, elbowing his son. Kaidan rolled his eyes again, groaning.  

“Make. It. _Stop_ …”

Kate clapped a hand to her mouth, trying not to giggle. She did not _giggle_. Especially at a grown man being reduced to a stereotypical teenager by his parents.  

“Sorry, Kaid. You just make it so easy. I think it’s that time, Jasmina. If you wipe down that sink one more time, I’ll ship you to Arnie and he’ll have you committed.”

She stuck her tongue out at her husband and dropped her sponge in the sink. “You just don’t want to do the dirty work yourself.”

“Drat. My plans have been foiled again. Damn you, woman. Let’s go, c’mon.” Dr. Alenko pulled his wife to him and kissed the top of her head. “I’m sure they have other things they’d rather be doing than politely putting up with either of us. Like packing.”

Her cheeks went hot. Next, they were going to outright call her his _girlfriend_ and ask when the wedding was. Nope.

“Pop. No.” Kaidan managed to lose the blush and stood up, fixing both his parents with a ‘look’.

“True. Knowing you, you’re already packed. Have fun, you two. Text one of us when you’re settled in on base, Kaid. It was very nice to meet you, Kate. Good luck down there. You’ll need it.”

The heat faded and she gave him a smile as she chuckled. “Thanks, Doc. I’m sure I will. It was nice to meet you, too. Both of you.”

Mina wrapped her arms tightly around Kaidan and squeezed, garnering another good-natured groan and pained expression. “Ma. Seriously. It’s not like I’m going ship-side. I’ll see you again in three weeks.”

“Still. I’ll miss you.” She released him with a sigh, then rounded on Kate. Before she knew what was happening, Mina had enclosed her in a tight hug as well. She stiffened and her eyes widened, imploring Kaidan to help. Dr. Alenko laughed, catching the expression on her face.  “Take care, sweetie. Let us know if you need anything. We can send it if you need us to.”

Kaidan wasn’t the only one who could take her off-guard, it seemed. Kate’s throat tightened and she softened a bit in Mina’s embrace, patting her awkwardly on the back. That was such a _mom_ thing to say. Is this what it felt like? Damn, he was a lucky guy. She’d never had anyone but Thane to turn to for help for something like that. She was used to relying on herself. What must it be like to know you had a support group just waiting to jump in like that? “Thanks, Mrs. A. I appreciate it.”

“Anytime. Don’t be a stranger,” his mom said with one last hug. She and Dr. Alenko left, leaving the two of them in a spotless kitchen and deafening quiet.

“So.”

“So…” She exhaled a long sigh and rolled her head on her shoulders, reveling in the expansive quiet. She could _breathe_ again.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, shy. “You survived. Was it as bad as you thought it would be?”

It hadn’t been terrible, she supposed. Kind of nice, actually. “I’m just not used to being around that many people I don’t know. Wasn’t as awkward as I’d expected. Your dad and I had a nice talk and Arnie apparently ran interference with your mom. I need a minute to decompress and I’ll be good. I was going to go smoke. Wanna come with?”

“Sure, why not. After you.” He gestured her towards the sliding door, shutting off lights and lamps as they went. The increasing darkness surrounded them, cozy and intimate.

She leaned against the railing, facing the water, and pulled a cigarette from her pack, the flare of the lighter temporarily blocking out the twinkle of lights on the bay. She took a drag and relaxed against the rail, making sure to blow her smoke away from him. She was going to need to brush her teeth if the night ended the way she hoped it would. Tasting like cigarettes had to be unpleasant for non-smokers. “Did you get to talk to Elise?”

“Yeah, it was fine in the end. She knew it was a touchy thing and she felt bad about bringing it up. So we both apologized then fed the baby. That was kind of nice, seeing her with a kid. She and Shawn have been trying for a few years. It’s hard, since he’s deployed so much. Not a lot of windows for opportunity.” He leaned against the railing and cocked his head to the side, looking out over the water.

“He was a cute kid,” she said, flicking the dangling ash over the balcony before it could fall. “I’m glad you guys got to make up. Sure it made you feel better, too. Sucks when the past comes up out of the blue to bite you in the ass.”

“Yeah...right when you think everything is going the way it should, and you’re starting to get ahead again, bam. It pops up to remind you it could all fall away in an instant and you are less in control than you want to be.”

“Exactly,” she said, tossing the cigarette away and leaning the side of her head against his shoulder.  

“Well, hi there,” he murmured, leaning back against her.

She breathed in the night air, content. This was nice. “Hey, yourself. Thanks for inviting me. This was...informative. Kinda nice, getting to see it, be included in it for a little while.”

“Yeah. They’re always entertaining, that’s for sure. Never a dull moment. So...did you want to head back to the hotel? Hang out for a bit? What’re your thoughts?”

“Well, I hadn’t planned on going back to the hotel, exactly. Not alone, anyway. How about yourself?”

“Didn’t want to make any presumptions.” He leaned into her again. “Wouldn’t be opposed to having some company. Present person included, that is.”

She grinned up at him. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She slid an arm around his waist and turned him to face her.

“That so.” He rested his hands on her hips, eyes glittering darkly in the night.

“Mmhm.” She trailed her hands up his chest, toying with the fabric of his shirt as she went, and wrapped her arms loosely around his neck. “So...you speak French, hmm? That was kinda hot.”

“ _Mais, oui.  Seulement un peu, cependant._ ” [But, yes,  Only a little, though]  He bit his lower lip a moment, then continued.  “Born of necessity, I’m afraid.  Most of the family from Quebec doesn’t speak anything else.  So we have a weird mix of both. I’m afraid I’ve lost most of it, though.  No real reason to practice speaking it anymore.  Though, I did also pick up a hint of what I’m guessing is Italian from you.  Learn something new every day, huh?”

“Italian’s my first language, sort of,” she explained. “I just don’t use it often because I’m generally around English speakers. Comes out around kids, though, or if I get _really_ pissed off or flustered. Don’t really realize I’m doing it then. And, uh, during sex on occasion if I’m...distracted enough.” She grinned up at him with a snicker. “I _was_ thinking French might be hot to hear in bed, but if you’re capable of translating into an unfamiliar language, I’m doing something wrong.”

He chuckled darkly and took a step backwards, pulling her with him.  “Well, unfortunately I do not bust out into French like that.  I can try to do it in bed, but it’s way easier if I’m already in a conversation.  And alas, I never really learned the terms for, uh...pillow talk. It never really came up in family functions.”

She laughed. He was just _too_ fuckin’ cute. “You mean, you guys don’t sit around talking about sex? I’m shocked. This is my shocked face. Can you tell?” He huffed a laugh. “There were _some_ terms I had to learn on my own. Don’t think whoever taught me to talk used the dirtier stuff around a toddler. Which says something good, I suppose.” Gods, he was adorable when he was flustered.

“Sex comes up, but not in the ‘let’s talk dirty’ sense. More in the, ‘you probably are, but I don’t want to know because then I’ll picture it and that’s just wrong’ sense.” He backed up another few steps, tugging her along with him. The blush on his ears spread to his cheeks. “And I’d rather not talk about sex and my family any more than I really have to, if it’s all the same to you.”

“Agreed,” she said. “ _Portarmi in camera da letto. Voglio sentirti sulla mia pelle_.”

“Mm.  Whatever you said sounds steamy. Except I don’t really want to be on camera. But that’s probably not what you’re actually saying. So there’s that.” He hit the door latch and got them through the opening, deftly pulling her around and putting her back against the glass. “Is it?”

She laughed breathlessly, biting her lip and looking up at him. “No. It’s, ah, false cognate. Means ‘room’. What I said was ‘Take me to the bedroom. I want to feel you on my skin.’ Cameras aren’t really my thing. Not _that_ much of an exhibitionist,” she added with a wink.

“Luckily nobody else around here can really see in the windows when we’re so high up. Benefit of a highrise,” he replied softly, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “And speaking of luck, have a kiss on account. Since you’ll need it for ICT.” His lips pressed gently along her jaw.

She tilted her head back and ran her fingers through his thick hair. “Mmm...I dunno if that’s gonna cut it. I’ve heard ICT’s _really_ hard… However, I’m going to need to brush my teeth. Probably taste like an ashtray.”

“Wasn’t gonna say anything,” he murmured against her skin, nipping lightly on her earlobe.  “Figured it would get lost in the shuffle anyway.”

“Meh, I figure if I’m going to do it, I might as well try to be considerate about it. Besides, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it more if you’re not trying to avoid kissing me because I’m gross. So...let me just make a detour and then we can fill that ICT account up.”

“Meet you in the bedroom. Gotta finish closing up around here, anyway.”

“Sounds like a plan, LT.” She slipped out from between him and the glass, running her hand lightly across his waist as she did, and made her way to the bathroom. At this rate, she was going to need to replace his mother’s supply of spares. She brushed her teeth and washed her hands before going to the bedroom in search of him.

He was standing next to the bed and messing with a datapad on his nightstand, shirt untucked when she found him. She went to him and slid her arms around his waist from behind, pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade. “Working?”

“Mm. Hey. Nah, just checking my orders. Want to make sure I’ll be on time, have everything set. The usual boring stuff.” He leaned back into her arms, replacing the datapad on the surface of the nightstand. “Nothing really of consequence.”

“Ah, responsibility. Ain’t it a bitch?” she teased, kissing down the part of his spine she could reach before laying the side of her face against him. “So...last night here. Tomorrow, you’re back to work and I’m heading halfway down the world. Gonna be a _long_ drive,” she said softly. Another first. She’d never had to say goodbye to a lover before. It was...kinda sad, really. Hard to believe it was over. She’d been comforted by the knowledge that she would be leaving, but now that it was here, she wasn’t looking forward to morning.  Fuckin’ fairy tales.

He twisted in her arms, bringing them face to chest. “Yeah, but we don’t have to be responsible until tomorrow.”

“Too true,” she hummed in agreement, tilting her head up and resting her chin on his sternum.  His eyes crinkled in the corner in that special way they did when he smiled as he met her lips in a soft kiss.  It was comfortable and warm, unassuming but with a hint of something more if she wanted it. She melted into it, tightening her arms around him to hold him close. There was still too much between them, though, so she tugged impatiently at her shirt. She wanted to feel all of him before she couldn’t anymore.

He struggled briefly out of his shirt, popping the line of buttons and rolling it off his shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. His undershirt quickly followed. She swiftly stripped her boots off and popped the button on her pants, leaning forward to run her lips across his bare chest as she shoved the garment to the floor. When she was fully undressed, she wrapped her arms around his neck again, burying her face against it and pressing her body against his.

 _I don’t want to go. I want to stay right here_. A passing thought brought on by hormones, nothing more, and a foolish one at that, but gods help her, she was in trouble. She _could_ if she wanted. She could turn down the invitation. She could trade a lifetime of combat for something warm and comforting and _normal_. It might not be him, but she at least now thought she might be capable of it. And, really, he was the first person who’d ever made her even _consider_ it. She didn’t know what he wanted and she wasn’t making assumptions, but she could picture it so damn easily. _What if…_ She turned her head and kissed him, trying to drink him in.

The mattress seemed to rise up to meet her as he kissed her deeper, pushing her backwards until she floated. His lips ghosted down her throat to her collarbone, raising goosebumps in their wake. This whole thing with him being _tender_ and _caring_ while they fucked took it to a whole other level. It actually goddamn _meant something_ now. He covered her body with his, almost reverent, and wasn’t that just a whole other thing, too. Figures he still had his pants on. She fumbled with the button on his jeans, hands slightly trembling. Whatever made Kaidan take his time with her, it put a level of importance on their actions that put her back on sand dunes.  

He gave a soft moan in her ear and tilted his hips up, giving her room to shove them down his thighs. And then that tattoo of his was under her fingers, petals dancing in the darkness as he kicked the rest of his clothing off. That was probably the biggest surprise of all, finding that little beauty. He definitely wasn’t the first marine with ink, but holy _fuck_ ...it nestled so perfectly in the hollow of his hip, the petals falling down his thigh, the colors. It was just so... _Kaidan_. So bright and dark all at once, unexpected and beautiful but with a hint of melancholy in the unknown story of the three petals detached and drifting.

She blinked, coming out of her thoughts as he stretched across her and rummaged in his drawer, pulling out the silvery little packet that was their world tonight. A startled, tiny gasp came from him as she kissed his chest, drawing her lips over a nipple. Kaidan settled back between her legs, half grin playing on his lips while he tried to pull her trick of dragging the packet down her skin. _Oh, tesoro...so cute when you think you’re in control. I’m a master at this_. She hooked her legs around his and drew him down for a kiss, long and deep. The look of surprise on his face again was worth it; she managed to flip them over onto his back and slipped the condom out of his hand, too.  

She traced her nails down his chest, chasing the raised skin with her lips and kissing the petals of the lotus. No way in hell was she missing a chance to give it the attention it deserved. Her tongue delicately traced the outline, painting an invisible double of it that was all her own. _Mine…_ For tonight, at least, she was going to pretend that she could keep him, that this life could be hers, that she could fit into it. Just for tonight, the fuckin’ fairy tale was going to be hers.

Sharp golden eyes watched her as she rolled the condom on, kissing the covered tip for good measure before crawling back up his body. He chuckled, sound resonating in his chest as he hugged her to him. “Smooth,” he murmured before placing a soft kiss on her lips.

“Like you were complaining?” she teased back.

“Oh, not at _all_ …”

He managed to tangle his legs with hers and flipped them again. She wriggled underneath him, fighting the urge to goddamn _giggle_ again--what the hell was it about him that made her want to fucking do _that_?--and the breath caught in her throat at the sudden realization that her arms were now above her head, both wrists wrapped in one large hand while he kissed a line of warm kisses down her neck.

“ _Ohhh_...oh, gods, _Kaidan!_ ” she moaned, her body curling up into his, one leg wrapping around his waist. Holy fuck, that was _not_ something she’d expected from him. Rational thought fled, leaving her wrapped in a cocoon of sensation in which nothing existed but him and her. Her head fell back, exposing the line of her throat to the heat of his mouth.

“ _Mmph_...ready?” he breathed, angling himself at her entrance.

“Gods, Kaidan, _per favore_ _!_ ” she groaned, moving against him. She needed him. _Now_.

The man didn’t have to be told twice, thank the gods. The moan in her ear when they were fully joined did things low in her stomach she didn’t think were even possible. She released a shuddering exhale and wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him still. Her lips brushed softly over his ear before she nuzzled the side of his face with his own. This, right here, was perfection.

“Ok to move?” he whispered after a moment, concern lining his forehead. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No,” she answered quietly, loosening her grip on his waist. “Just...wanted to savor the moment. We’re good.”

“Ok…”

The word was soft, barely heard as she lost herself to him. Warm kisses, breathy sighs, moments that stretched into forever and were over in a blink all at once washed over her. They moved together, bodies melding. This wasn’t like even the first time they had sex. She almost laughed at herself; she thought _that_ was making love? No. _This_. This was what all those fuckin’ love songs were about. Her biotics played out, seeking, and his flared in return, wrapping her in warmth. She couldn’t tell where she ended and he began, and then he _moved_ a certain way and she couldn’t breathe a moment; suddenly, she could move her arms and all her fingers and toes melted away into one giant _thing_ , and so did he, and she clutched him to her, fingers digging into his back.  

Kaidan sighed deeply and brushed the edge of his nose along her cheek, relaxing next to her. She leaned into him, attempting to regain enough control over her body to move her limbs. Contentment flooded warmly through her and she rolled to face him, tucking her head onto his chest so that she could hear his heartbeat. His chin came to rest against the top of her head and his arms wrapped around her, grounding her even as she floated. So, this was what fairy tales were all about…


	13. Ain't No Fuckin' Fairy Tale

Kate woke with her back to Kaidan’s chest, having turned at some point during the night. The fact that she’d fallen asleep without something against her back at all was surprising. He was still asleep and his deep, even breaths stirred the tangled hair at the base of her neck. A glance at her omni-tool told her they were running out of time. She didn’t want to waste what little they had left lying in bed while he slept.

She doubted he’d mind if she raided his kitchen. She still wasn’t a great cook, but Thane liked breakfast and had made sure she had a few tools in her kit in that regard. The least she could do after everything he’d done for her was make breakfast. She’d already learned that he woke up ravenous. Coffee would be nice, too.

He didn’t wake, so she dressed in his shirt before going to the kitchen and searching through the cabinets and cooler for what she needed. When she located all of it, she turned music on her omni-tool and fetched a set of earbuds from her jacket. One thing she’d discovered she enjoyed about the South when she’d been there for OCS was their music. The XO on the _Trafalgar_ had caught her listening to it and teased her for two days for liking country music, but she’d never let the opinions of others sway her before. She certainly wouldn’t allow it when it came to her music preferences. New music was jarring. The classics were where it was at.

She picked something smooth with a lazy rhythm she could rock her hips to and laid out her supplies like she was cleaning her weapons. Her fingers itched for her guitar, but it was in storage along with her bike. She hummed through the first verse as she cracked the eggs and whipped them up in a bowl. She began singing the chorus under her breath as she divided out the flour. By the second verse, she was lost in the task. “ _I've looked for love in all the same old places. Found the bottom of a bottle always dry. But when you poured out your heart, I didn't waste it, 'cause there's nothing like your love to get me high._ ”

She mixed the ingredients together and spooned the resulting batter into the pan she’d put on the stove to heat. “ _You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey._ ” She hoped Kaidan liked pancakes. She’d noted an open container of real maple syrup in the pantry and hadn’t been able to resist. She’d leave enough credits to cover the food she was requisitioning. “ _You're as sweet as strawberry wine._ ”

The disks of batter began to bubble, so she flipped the cakes, happily noting the golden-brown shade she’d accomplished. “ _You're as warm as a glass of brandy._ ” She removed the pancakes from the pan and heaped them on a plate, wondering if she’d made enough for two biotics. She shrugged. What the hell did she know about cooking breakfast for a man? The only people she’d ever cooked for were the Reds. She had a feeling K would be more appreciative than they had been, though. “ _And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time._ ” He really was a sweetheart. What the hell was he doing slumming it with her? And what the hell was she going to do with him?

“Hey there…” Said sweetheart had dragged himself out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen area, hair tousled. “Missed you when I woke up; I thought you’d still be there. You left without waking me. Not surprised, though. You don’t sit still well.” He gave her a half smile as he edged past her and grabbed the orange juice out of the fridge.

“Didn’t have the heart. You were still sleeping,” she said, sliding over to give him room and popping her earbuds out. “I didn’t want to wake you. Figured I’d get you up when breakfast was ready.”

He chuckled. “Ah, well, _thanks_ , but...next time, uh. Wake me.”

She slid the last pancake onto the plate and turned to face him, bracing her hands behind her on the counter with an eyebrow raised. “‘Next time,’ hmm?” The idea wasn’t as terrifying as it should have been. She’d already accepted this wasn’t her typical one-and-done. Revisiting it in the future wouldn’t be a bad thing as long as he didn’t have expectations she couldn’t meet.

“Well...I mean, I probably shouldn’t assume, but I’m not opposed to this happening again. And I would hazard a guess you’re amicable to the idea. At least a little, anyway.” He peered into the carton of juice. “You want any?”

“If there’s enough for two,” she answered. “Otherwise, I have coffee. And, no, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea, either. But...like you pointed out, it’s a long time if I do manage to go all the way. A lot can change in a year. I don’t want you to feel obligated or like you can’t back out if something does change or like you have to wait for me. I don’t have any expectations. Hopes, sure, but no expectations.”

“Good thing you weren’t exactly expecting a full glass of juice,” he grumbled, pulling out a small glass and filling it halfway before sliding it next to her on the island. He put the carton to his lips and tossed back the remainder of the juice, muscles in his abdomen stretching. A show just for her, and what a show it was. He rinsed out the empty carton and chucked it in the recycling under the counter, turning back to face her.

Her eyes trailed over him for a moment before she picked up the glass and took a sip. “We can share,” she said, offering it to him.

“If you insist,” he replied softly, sliding his fingers over hers and taking a small sip himself before placing it back on the counter.

 _Screw it_. Pancakes could wait. She used his waistband to tug him closer, wrapping her arms around his waist, and tilted her head back to look up at him. Her fingers trailed under the edge of his shirt, skimming over his lower back. “You don’t seem hungry for breakfast yet,” she teased.

“Oh no?” he murmured, resting his hands on her hips. “What would I be hungry for, then?”

“No idea…” she whispered, pressing her lips against his sternum and sliding her hands up his spine, fingers splaying over the ridges of muscle lining it. “Though, I could think of some alternatives.”

“Mm.  You’re incorrigible,” he chuckled as he slipped his hands under the hem of her shirt. “And full of surprises...no undies? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were planning something.”

“Didn’t see the point,” she said with a grin. “Was hoping I wouldn’t keep them on for long anyway.”

“Uh _huh_...no complaints from me.”

“I was also hoping you’d say that,” she teased, backing up with him until her back hit the counter. He followed willingly, leaning down to nip her ear. The granite was a cold line against her back and she gasped, arching away from it and pressing their chests together.

She drew her hands over his ribcage, her fingers finding and tracing a thin, silvered line of a scar trailing the bone on his right side that she’d somehow missed during her earlier search for tattoos. She’d bet good credits it had come from a blade of some sort. _Interesting_ …. Perhaps he wasn’t as lily-white as she’d thought. She tucked that tidbit of information into the back of her mind for later perusal and left the scar behind to feather her fingertips through the line of hair below his navel.  His muscles bunched nicely under her touch, goosebumps sprinkling across his golden skin as he exhaled softly against her neck.  

Soft kisses trailed from her collarbone up behind her ear, making her tilt her head to give him better access. She dipped her fingers below the waistband of his pants, continuing to follow the path of sparse black down. His skin was warm and almost silky in her hand as she wrapped her fingers around him. Kaidan groaned in her ear, low and deep. “ _Mmph_...”      

Her stomach fluttered at the sound. She slowly stroked him, lightly running her thumb over the soft skin enclosing the head. Uncut men were a rare treat and one she greatly enjoyed. _Bet you didn’t know_ THAT _about him, Stevens…_ Lucky _me...and about to get luckier._ He canted his hips forward in her hand, bracing himself against the counter. His weight pressed her harder into the granite edge and it wasn’t the most pleasant thing in the world, but it had certain implications that let her forget the momentary discomfort. She reluctantly released him, hopping up onto the countertop to lean over the bar and retrieve a condom from the jacket draped over a breakfast stool, the motion causing his shirt to ride up over her hip.

Strong fingers gripped her thighs and dragged her to the edge of the cold surface. There was an undefinable edge to his touch, different than last night, different than even their first night together. The kisses along her neck were almost rushed. Desperate. That was an odd thing. She’d never known him to be desperate about anything. Granted, she supposed she really didn’t know that much about him, even after all the new discoveries and insights the past few days had given her. She gripped his chin between her thumb and forefinger, bringing him eye to eye, and their gazes locked. He blinked after a moment, carefully blank.

“I see you…” he whispered with a half smile.

She stroked her thumb over his chin, swallowing hard against the hot lump that formed in her throat at his words. _This could be it. Last time. Never had a ‘last time’ before…. Huh. So that’s why people hold onto each other at ship out._ She slid her hand across his jaw, tangling her fingers in his hair. “I see you, too, K,” she said softly, drawing him to her. She’d intended to be gentle, but the moment his lips met hers, she needed more. She nipped his lower lip, groaning against his mouth as she tried to drink him in.

He relaxed into her arms, kissing her back with just as much enthusiasm. It probably wasn’t lost on him, either, that this was ‘it’. Whatever ‘it’ was. Was it the end? Just a beginning? _Fuck_...she didn’t want to think about anything at the moment but Kaidan between her legs. That was about as much mental clarity as she wanted to allow herself in the present situation. She preferred to focus instead on the heat of his body, the play of his fingers over her thighs, the taste of orange juice on his tongue. Unfortunately, the cold counter was numbing her ass and digging into her thighs. This was not one of her better ideas. She scooted forward and wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Can we, ah, take this somewhere else?” she murmured against his lips. “Granite counters and bare asses are not a sexy combination, it seems.”

“Can’t imagine what you _possibly_ could mean…” he chuckled, shifting his hands around her thighs to carry her. “Where to?”

“Don’t care, just somewhere that won’t freeze my ass off and I can have you inside me.” She leaned into his chest, arms wrapped securely around his neck with the condom between her fingers. His hands underneath her and having their chests pressed together created an intimate warmth that started to thaw the chill.

“Tell me what you really think…” he laughed again. There was still a bit of tightness in his expression. His gaze slid to the side, scouting possible spots if she had to guess. She would also hazard a guess he was also feeling the unspoken tension of ‘the last time’.

She played with the hair at the back of his head and said in a hushed voice, “I think we both might need to think a little less.”

“I think you might be right.” The words were quiet, whispering against her lips as he laid her down on the rug in front of the sofa. Her hair spilled around her in a fiery halo, morning light setting it ablaze against the white.

She drew a fingertip over the line of golden skin above the collar of his shirt before running her hand down his chest to catch the hem. She needed to feel his skin against hers. If this was the last time, she wanted to experience all of it. Her hands splayed over his waist, gliding up and carrying the fabric with them. Goosebumps trailed in their wake and he shivered when her thumbs grazed his nipples. “You’re overdressed,” she whispered.

“Mm. Maybe we should do something about that.” Kaidan peeled off his shirt and flung it over his shoulder, not looking where it landed.

She drank in the sight of the expanse of bare skin and ran her hands over his broad shoulders before tugging him down to her again. Muscle played under her fingertips as she stroked them down the line of his spine to slip them beneath the waistband of his pajama pants. _Gods, I’m going to miss that ass._ The pants melted away under her hands as she bared him to her, feeling him spring free against her. She plucked the condom from where it had fallen on the rug and ripped it open. Screw sensuality. She needed this last connection. _Now_ , before it faded away.

Kaidan exhaled sharply at her hands on him, burying his face in her neck while she put it on him. She guided him to her entrance, wrapping her legs around his and arching herself to meet his body. “Fuck me, Kaidan…”

Strong fingers dug into her thighs again as their bodies were joined, another connection point between them, and she yanked her own shirt off. Skin to skin. That’s what she needed.

“You ok?” he asked, brushing a lock of hair off her forehead. “That was kind of abrupt.”

“Fine…” she breathed. “Need you to _move_.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Gods, yes. _Need_ you, K.”

They both blinked at that, pausing a moment, and then he smiled. He kissed her, slow and deep. The muscles of his ass flexed under her hands as he withdrew and began to move within her. The difference from the times before struck her again. She felt as if he was trying to _consume_ her, to forget where he ended and she began. Her fingers dug into his ass, pulling him closer until there wasn’t room for breath between their bodies. The dichotomy was dizzying, fucked and cherished at the same time.

His hands on her thighs anchored her. Grounded her firmly in the moment, holding her in the present. The comfortable mingling of his biotics with hers only furthered the idea. She’d never really had that before. It was strange but not _unpleasant_...and that was probably the most surprising revelation of the past few days: finding out someone actually _could_ connect, and be there, and that she might actually _want_ them there.

“ _Kaidan_ …” she groaned against his lips, releasing his ass to bury her hands in his hair. The tightness was back in her throat, competing with the heat blooming in her core. She needed... _something_ she couldn’t identify, something more than just release. He shuddered at his name, nipping her ear and kissing his way down to her collarbone. Feeling his reaction sent another stab of sheer _need_ through her and she increased the pace, almost frantic. She _needed_ him, like she needed fucking _air_ to breathe. He matched her, hips meeting every peak and shift of her body, reading her movement. _Just like riding the bike_. Still, that unidentifiable need clawed at her.

She took his hand, twining their fingers together to bring it up to the back of her head. His were the only hands she’d had on her amp since it had been installed. She wasn’t certain it would be pleasant, but perhaps it would send a message. She walked their fingers through her hair until they reached her implant site and drew back to look him in the eye as she very deliberately brushed his thumb over it. She gasped as sparks flew over her skin and lightning raced through her body, following the path of her eezo nodes. _Holy fuck..._ Dark energy crackled, grasping for his. “Oh, gods, _Kaidan_!”

Blue miasma sparked around them as his biotics enveloped her, his fingers tangling in her hair.  He molded his body around hers, gently tugging down on her flaming curls. Her lips parted on a gasp and her eyes rolled back as her toes curled almost painfully. She thought she made some sound, but couldn’t have translated it into any language if she did, because words were gone. He shivered and sighed under her hands, weight increasing on top of her as he relaxed little by little.  

“Hope I didn’t hurt you,” he murmured, rolling to the side of her and releasing her hair. “I’m sorry, I...got lost in the moment.”

She followed bonelessly when he rolled, placing a hand on his chest and blinking up at him in confusion. “Hurt me? When?”

“With the...hair? I pulled it. I didn’t mean to.” He pursed his lips and grabbed his pants, pulling them on.

She cocked her head, watching him. “No. K. That was...fucking amazing. I _like_ that. You don’t have to worry about breaking me. That, uh, kinda rocked my world.”

“Wasn’t worried about _breaking_ you, it’s just. Not something I ever set out to do intentionally.” He shook his head and sighed, glancing off to the side. “Pulling hair is not something I associate with ‘feeling good’, put it that way. Glad it didn’t hurt. Again, sorry.”

She took his chin between her thumb and forefinger and turned him to face her, brow furrowing as she examined him. “Kaidan. I like it,” she said gently. “I would like it if you did it intentionally. If it’s not something you’re okay with, though, I won’t ask for it again. We stay within your comfort zone, alright?”

There was a little glint in his eyes at that. Maybe it was the cool morning light from the windows, but she suspected there was something else behind it. “Alright,” he agreed, just as softly. “We’ll see what happens and where it takes us.” She thought she saw a hint of a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth before he closed the distance between them and kissed her. Just a delicate press of lips on lips, almost chaste but with an edge of teeth on her lower lip. There if she wanted to notice it. A thread of danger wrapped in comfort.

She’d forgotten for a moment that they’d reached their deadline. There might not be a next time to worry about. She might not ever see him again, no matter what they said now. The realization slammed into her like a charge. She placed her hands on his shoulders to push him onto his back, kissing him back hard and deep as she she swung a leg over to straddle him. She didn’t want to let go. She wanted to stay right here in this moment.

She tore her lips from his and buried her face in his shoulder, clinging to him like she could make the clock stop. _Story of my fucking life, right?_ Find something she wanted, have it within her grasp, and feel it torn away. It made no difference that she’d known this was coming or that she’d known he wasn’t hers to keep. She wasn’t ready to let it go.  His arms wrapped around her and she sighed.

“Hey there…” His voice was a quiet rumble in his chest, vibrating between them. Soothing as a glass of whiskey in a smoky bar. _Not fair that he can be so calm while I’m flying the fuck apart_.

“Sorry. Just hit me...never had to do this before. A little overwhelming,” she muttered against his shoulder.

“Thought _I_ was the Canadian,” he huffed a small laugh. “ICT is a big thing. It _should_ be overwhelming. If it’s not, it’s not doing its job. You’ll do great.”  

Oh, yeah. ICT. She’d forgotten that, too. She opened her mouth to correct him, but changed her mind. He was completely missing the point. Or maybe it just didn’t mean the same thing to him. She was overreacting, feeling it too intensely because it was a new experience. That was all. She didn’t need to be acting like a damn military wife before a long deployment. This wasn’t like that. She collected herself and sat up. He cupped her cheek and brushed his thumb up the line of bone to her hair, a sad half smile on his lips. Maybe he wasn’t missing the point. She sighed, a matching curl of lips forming on her face as she smoothed a hand over his chest.

“ICT. Yeah. It’s, ah...it’ll be interesting, all right.” She wasn’t worried about it. Just another school. It would suck ass, she was sure, but she could handle it. _This_ was the challenge. No fucking fairy tale endings here.

“Unto the breach,” he whispered. “We’ll get through it.”

She nodded, wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue and rolling them together. _Fuck_ , this was so much harder than it should be. She should be able to just get up, throw her clothing on, say goodbye, and _go_. It had only been a few days. It shouldn’t have felt like she’d known him her entire life. She needed to go. He had to get back to base and she had a drive ahead of her. If she wanted any chance of making her first stop on time, she needed to get on the road before morning faded into noon. _Five more minutes...Then I’ll go._ She leaned down and rested her head on his shoulder again, listening to the comforting beat of his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Tennessee Whiskey" Chris Stapleton


	14. Edge of the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late! Had real life stuff going on all day yesterday, but here it is!

_525 Kilometers from Vancouver_

 

A strange hollowness accompanied Kate through Vancouver and south into North America. It was a milder version of what she’d felt day after day walking into the empty house in Chicago. This thing with Kaidan, whatever it was, was new and fragile and now she was leaving it behind, hopefully for nine months to a year if all went well and she made it through N1 and was invited to return for subsequent courses. The disconnect was jarring and uncomfortable. On the one hand, she wanted ICT more than anything and craved N7 status like it was a drug. On the other, she also wanted to stay and see this thing with Kaidan through.

Perhaps space was for the best, though. In only a few days, they’d gone farther than she’d been prepared to go with anyone. She’d been able to handle it _because_ there was a set point where progression would be slowed if not halted altogether. They were limited on how deep they could get simply because she was leaving. If she stayed, that natural firebreak would be gone. Given free access to fuel, they would burn each other up. He would drag her into the flames and she would allow it because she seemed to have no real resistance to him other than shutting him out completely, which she didn’t want to do. They would combust and would either burn themselves out or she would simply consume him. This sense of loss was a hormone drop. Nothing more.

Even _if_ she was willing to attempt a real relationship with him, she couldn’t see herself being satisfied with only one person for any extended period of time. Her desires were too variable and even as a child, she’d been unable to understand the societal insistence that two people were required to meet every one of each other’s needs. That made no sense to her and was far too much pressure on one person. She could almost guarantee that Kaidan, however, didn’t see things the way she did.

He might be okay with her fucking around when they were apart while they were undefined and might even do it himself, though one-night stands weren’t his forte, but if they instituted a label, he would likely insist on monogamy merely because that was how he had been raised. She highly doubted he would be all right with his girlfriend going elsewhere to get laid. And while the idea of a relationship with more than one person was so far outside the realm of probability as to be almost a moot point, she would still want the _option_. He wouldn’t give that to her. Monogamy wasn’t on the table for her, but she could almost guarantee that it would be a requirement for him and she couldn’t see herself as a cheater. Yet another problem for which there was no easy solution.

It was a moot point anyway. The party the night before should have made it all too clear that she had no place in his life. His family was a beautiful thing to behold. What he had was beyond even her wildest childhood dreams. Perhaps there was a world where she could have fit into it, but she didn’t belong there. He would want that for himself someday and she couldn’t give that to him. Seeing him with little Henri...no. Even the baby had known she wasn’t cut out for that. She’d had her chance a dozen times over and they’d wound up dead because of her. She didn’t deserve another one. He was too good for her and that was that.

Didn’t mean a part of her didn’t _want_ it. It was a fucking fairy tale. Of course, she’d want it at least a little. He was so _normal_. If she had him, maybe she could be normal, too. Maybe she could pretend for long enough that it became true. _Fake it till you make it, right?_ Did that even work with people like her? It didn’t really matter. They’d only had a few days together. It wasn’t like he was going to wait for her. She was the one overthinking it this time. This week would be one she’d look back on when things got tough at ICT or beyond and ask herself ‘what if’. He was a potential future that would remain unexplored.     

She’d planned her route to take her past places she’d never seen before and had decided to incorporate his wish list into it. So, when she saw the sign for her first stop, she exited the freeway and turned the bike onto a winding mountain road that required concentration to maneuver and took her mind off of thoughts of things that would never be. The road ended at a lookout point, but she realized after only a few moments that it wasn’t close enough, so she grabbed an MRE and a bottle of water from her pack and set off down the narrow trail leading toward the peak. It was still early enough she should be able to get there and back before dark and she needed to run today anyway.

Tall evergreens buffered the rutted trailhead, filtering the sunlight through the greenery so that it dappled the ground. Where it shined through, the air was warm, but chill settled in the shadows. She ran at a steady pace, breathing in the clean scent of the pines. This was an entirely different world from the concrete forest she’d grown up in. What little she knew about wild places came from land nav courses in OCS. The forests down South were different, hot and muggy and bug-riddled, rather than this crisp, refreshing wonderland.

At times, the trail blended so seamlessly with the ground that she was left wending her way through trees, hoping that she wouldn’t stray too far off the path. Others, it was clearly delineated and pointed the way ever upward. The higher she climbed, the shorter the trees grew and the taller the underbrush until finally, she reached the end of the treeline. Up she climbed, leaving the green behind to scramble over rock falls and clamber past boulders perched precariously on the side of the mountain.

If she kept her back to the valley below, she could almost imagine that she was on Mars at first and then on Luna as red and brown gave way to gray and black. Snowdrifts lazily wended their way through dips in the face. The clouds grew closer until they surrounded her. She stopped and turned a full circle in the gray, feeling as if she was the only person left on the planet. This kind of solitude was almost impossible to find in a world packed with eleven billion people.

She broke through the clouds and turned back, reaching into the mist with a bare hand.

 _I held a cloud today._ Not the kind of poetic thought she was accustomed to thinking. Sounded more like something Thane or Kaidan would come up with. Certainly the type of thing they would appreciate. She snapped a picture with her omni-tool and continued up as rock turned to sand and snow crunched under her boots. Her feet slipped more than once, but she pushed on and then the ground in front of her ended. Nowhere left to go but down into the frozen crater. For once, the cold didn’t bother her.

She took a holo with her omni-tool, turning slowly to capture the entire panorama. Clouds lay like blankets over the rolling terrain below. Other peaks loomed on the horizon, snow-capped and distant. She was on top of the world, and as usual, she was alone. For the first time, though, she didn’t want to be. She wanted him here, whether she could fit into his world or not. _Momentary lapse in judgment,_  she told herself. Foolish, but ultimately forgivable, right? She’d just left him that morning. It was understandable that he would be on her mind, wasn’t it? Rio was still so very far away. She had plenty of time to get her head on straight. For the moment, she could indulge.

 

_K_

_Standing on the summit of Mount St. Helens. On top of the world. Ice and fire beneath my feet. Images attached, but don’t do it justice. How’s_ your _day?_

_-x-_

_Kate_

_P.S. We forgot the pancakes…._

 

Later that night, sequestered in a nondescript hotel in the wrong Vancouver, she lay on her back on the bed, remembering the last hotel she’d been in and the arms that had been around her. They’d actually remembered breakfast that day. It had been cold by the time they’d gotten to it, but they hadn’t minded. This bed felt too big and too empty. She curled up against the headboard and scrolled through her omni-tool, trying to quiet her mind enough to sleep. It chimed and a message popped up.

 

_Kate,_

_Better now that I heard from you, though I’m jealous of the pictures.  They’re fantastic!  How is your trip?  Life here is the same as always.  New cycle of students in. They’re getting into the routine.  Still can’t help thinking about the potential of getting a tour ship-side, though.  I dream of seeing the stars again._

_Signed,_

_Kaidan_

_P.S.  Totally forgot the pancakes._

_P.P.S. Totally worth it_

 

She closed her ‘tool and fell asleep with a smile on her face.  

 

* * *

_2,183 Kilometers_

 

Kate pulled the bike into one of the many parking spots at the entrance to the national park in Arizona. By the time she’d hung her helmet on the handlebar and engaged the security VI, Thane had materialized from the shadows beneath a tree. Warmth flooded her at the sight of him. She hadn’t realized just how much she’d wanted to see him. It had been far too long. She’d messaged him after leaving Oregon and he’d offered to meet her for an afternoon, saying he wanted to see a desert. She was going to do him one better and mark another box off Kaidan’s wishlist.  

“Drala’fa,” he said in greeting.

She dismounted the bike and went to him, allowing him to pull her in for a quick embrace. Tension flowed out of her. This was one of the safer places in the galaxy, somewhere she could just be herself. She didn’t have to put on a mask for Thane or try to be better than she was. She didn’t have to wonder whether he could accept the darkness inside her because it was in him, too. With Thane, she could simply be herself and that was both a gift and something she desperately needed when she felt like she didn’t know who that was.

They didn’t speak as they strolled side-by-side into the park, no longer touching. Like her, his need for physical contact was limited. They came to a stop at the edge of the canyon and her breath caught. ‘Beautiful’ was too weak a word to describe the jagged gash in the earth, it’s orange and red peaks spearing up into the blue sky. She suddenly felt very small, the sensation not unlike what she felt when she looked out onto a galaxy of stars from the shelter of a ship.

“It is...transcendent, is it not?” he said after several long moments.

“Amazing that nature could carve out something like this on its own,” she said, activating her omni-tool to snap a holo. Kaidan _had to_ see this. A grin tugged at the corner of her mouth as she sent the image to him.

 

_K,_

_The Grand Canyon. Wish you were here to see it for yourself. On the edge of the world again. Seems to be a theme with this trip. Hope school is going well. Got any cocky, impulsive vanguards this year?_

_-x-_

_-Kate_

 

Thane lifted a brow ridge. “You are smiling, Drala’fa.”

“I do on occasion,” she said, imagining the look on Kaidan’s face. He would _love_ this.

Thane gave her a flat look. “You do not smile like that.”

She closed out her omni-tool and tugged her lip between her teeth before saying, “I met someone. Or, well, ran into someone I used to know. He’s...different.”

He found a bare rock and stretched out on it with his face to the sun, patting the spot beside him. She took a seat, crossing her legs, and stared out at the canyon, noting the spots of green where it seemed nothing should be able to grow. “How long has it been since you allowed yourself to connect to someone new?” he asked.

“Cierra was the newest of the kids,” she said, thinking back to a time when she’d been truly happy. “She came to us shortly before you did, so that would make it you. Which means…seven years? Eight? Long enough. I was still a child.”

“Does this mean you have forgiven yourself, Drala’fa?”

She snorted and shook her head. “Have you met me? You think that’s ever going away, Thane?”

“It would if you allowed it,” he said.

“Have you?” she shot back. “Tell you what. I’ll forgive myself when you forgive yourself for Irikah.”

“It is not that simple for drell,” he insisted evenly.

“It isn’t for us, either,” she said. “I don’t need eidetic memory to remember the way Abby’s hair felt against my hand or hear Johnny making the sound effects when he and Gabe played First Contact or smell the smoke and scorched flesh and hair when the Reds burned or see Kira’s untied shoelace. They’re all dead and it’s my fault. I don’t deserve what he offers and he wouldn’t want me if he knew.”

“Then what are you going to do?” Thane asked.

“Make sure he never knows,” she answered. “I haven’t truly felt _anything_ since that day. Mild irritation, frustration, satisfaction, sure. But even that is muted, like it’s coming at me through water. I numbed myself until I can’t _feel_ anymore. He changes that. He makes me feel...too much and not enough all at the same time. He makes me feel _human_ again. I am not a nice person, Thane. I’m not a good person, whatever that even means. I’m cold and hard and too selfish to stay away from him even though I should because he’s warmth and I’m freezing to death.”  

“Do you love him?” Thane asked.

She laid back and stacked her hands beneath her head. “I don’t think I’m capable. I care about him in my way. I enjoy his happiness. I dislike it when he’s unhappy. I’m concerned for his well-being. I want to be around him. I...miss him. Maybe that’s enough. I don’t know. I don’t know what that kind of love feels like. Probably wouldn’t be able to identify it if I felt it. What was loving Irikah like?”

He sighed. “I _had_ to be with her. She possessed and endowed me. I thought she was the goddess Arashu. She met my eyes through the scope and my purpose faltered. I had sunk so deeply into battle sleep that it was all I knew. She woke me up. I...belonged to her. It is both my misfortune and hers that it took her death to open my eyes to the fact that I loved her.”

Kate shook her head. “That sounds...far more intense than anything I ever want to feel.”

His lips curled up. “I do not believe we are given the choice, Drala’fa.”

“He’s just a friend, Thane.”

“A friend you think of when he is not present,” he pointed out.

“I think of _you_ when you aren’t around, too, and I’m not in love with you,” she countered.

“But you do love me,” he said.

She shook her head and nudged his shoulder with it. “How’d your job go?”

“The same way they always do,” he said, allowing her to change the subject. “Are you prepared for your training?”

She pushed herself up onto her elbows, feeling the grit of the rock dig into the skin and ignoring the sensation. “I’m as prepared as I can get. I’m sure it’s nothing compared to what you went through. Any tips?”

He sat up. “Do not try to look at the end. Do as you did on Elysium. One step at a time, one moment to the next. I know you are both physically and mentally capable of completing the course. If you walk away from it, it will be by your choice. Compete, whether against yourself or another. You are relentless. It is one of your virtues. You will not quit as long as you have a target to beat. No matter how bad it gets, you have survived worse. They cannot break you unless you let them. Thus, your task is simple: do not let them.”

“Easy enough,” she said. “How’s the amp VI working?”

“It is still very helpful,” he said. “Your latest software upgrade decreased my recharge time by half a percent.”

Her brow furrowed. “It was supposed to be a full percent. May I see?” She activated her omni-tool and set up the link between it and his amp, scrolling through lines of code until she found the newest update. She shook her head. “Looks right to me. We may have found the limitation to your hardware. It’s working properly on the human L4 implants. The reports I’ve been getting back are solid. Seven percent overall increase and I think I can squeeze another three out of it. They think they can conclude human trials by the end of the year.”

“And then you will finally benefit from your own creation?” he said.

“About damn time, right?” she asked. “Still pissed they wouldn’t let me get it when trials began. Said I’d just end up fucking with it and skew the results. I told ‘em to just keep me out of the trial. Making me wait wasn’t what I’d had in mind. Hell, they were resistant to installing it at all since I’m not a kid and there’s risk, but I made it a condition of the sale. I didn’t develop this for other people.”

“Yes, you did,” he said. “You forget sometimes that there was a streak of altruism in you once upon a time.”

“Idealism,” she corrected without looking up. She _could_ try something... Might work. “Naïveté. And I never did anything for strangers fully out of the good of my heart even then. I knew I could benefit someday. I certainly didn’t finish it for them. Once I had my implant, I wanted the program. Couldn’t get it unless I completed it. Couldn’t complete it without Alliance funding and R &D labs. ... _There_ , that should boost it a little more. You won’t get the full effect without a hardware upgrade, but your implant’s somewhere between the human L3 and L4 already, so I don’t think the benefit is worth changing it until I’m able to improve the output more.”

“How dangerous is the surgery?” he asked, his brow ridges flickering.

She shrugged a shoulder and closed out her omni-tool. “Not as much as the jump from L2. The L3 is designed with upgrades in mind. The L2 wasn’t. It’s still brain surgery, so it isn’t without the possibility of complications. So far, it’s only been installed on an initial basis. No one’s gotten it as a replacement yet, so we just don’t know. Brain surgery in general can cause issues with speech, memory,vision, coordination, headaches, blood clots, brain bleeds, seizures, stroke, coma, among other things. If I end up a vegetable, don’t let them leave me on life support, but the risks themselves are minimal with a good surgeon experienced in performing it.”

“You could lose your memories?” he asked, looking sharply at her.

She nodded absently. “Might not be a bad thing. I’d just have to relearn who you are. Hell, who do you think I’d even be without that history looming over me?”

“I do not know, Drala’fa, and I do not wish to find out,” he said. “Please consider this carefully. Do not risk everything you are simply for a slight increase in battlefield performance.”

“I’m not worried about it, Thane,” she said. “Either it works and I live or it doesn’t and I die. Win-win.”

“You still cannot afford my fee,” he said stubbornly.

“You’d leave me a babbling idiot?” she asked skeptically.

He sighed. “You know I would not. Let us hope it does not come to that.”

“Of course,” she said, looking off into the distance.

They sat in companionable silence together until the sun broke apogee and she needed to get on the road again. She snapped a holo of them with the canyon behind them and then he walked her back to the bike. His smile was wistful as he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “If the gods had seen fit to give me a daughter, Drala’fa, I could only wish she’d have been just like you. You will succeed in your training. I have every faith in you.”

Her throat tightened and she looked up at him from her seat on the motorcycle. “Thanks, Krios. You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a pappa, so that means a lot. Don’t be a stranger, ok? I’ll let you know when I get to Rio. Probably won’t have much chance to talk for a while, though.”

“I understand. Drive well, Red.”

He melted away into the shadows again and she directed the bike back out onto the road. The hot, dry, Arizona air whipped against her, tossing the escaped strands of her ponytail. Music filtered into her helmet, covering the drone of tires on pavement. In a few hours, there would be a full country between herself and Kaidan. It was both far too much and not enough.

Her omni-tool pinged as she reached the Mexican border. She pulled over and called up the message. Kaidan had gotten her picture.

 

_Other ‘K’,_

_Wish I were there to see it all, too. Maybe Ma was right and I should plan a getaway. Go visit you. If I_ am _able to break away, it’s not going to be until this cycle is through. No vanguards this time, though plenty of adepts. I know you’re absolutely thrilled at the prospect._

_Signed,_

_K(aidan)_

\---

_K,_

_I’d like that as long as our breaks match up. Who knows, though...I could be back in a week, right? Kidding. I’ve got this, I know. I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to exploring Rio with you. I’ve heard it’s pretty. Doubt I’ll have time to appreciate the landscape during training. It would be a nice breather._

_Good luck with the cocky assholes...I mean...adepts._

_-x-_

_‘Other’ K_

_P.S. Cute, by the way._


	15. Ends and Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Au revoir: Until we meet again  
> 2\. Alla prossima: Until next time

_4,771 Kilometers from Vancouver_

 

“Hey, K. You busy?” Kate asked when Kaidan answered her vid call. She’d turned her back to the pyramids and held her omni-tool so that he could see only her face. She’d come up with the idea that morning as she was driving the final kilometers to Teotihuacan and hadn’t told him her plan. Why simply take a holo when she could let him see all of it? It wasn’t as good as being here in person, but it would do. And it was Sunday, so he should have downtime.

 _“Hey there! Nah, just finishing up a few notes on a lesson plan. Nothing huge. You? Everything...ok?”_ He had a bright grin on his face when he answered.

“Yeah. Just stopped for a little bit and thought I’d check in,” she said with a smile. “I found these weird stone things… You wouldn’t happen to know what they are, would you?” She turned so that her omni-tool could pick up the view.

He peered at his screen, then his mouth dropped open in surprise, eyebrows almost arching off his forehead. “ _Is that...no way...you’re at pyramid ruins in South America?”_

She thought her grin might split her face. The detour was totally worth it just to see the expression on his. He looked like Gabe the day Thane had bought him his first new jacket. She almost expected him to find a way to crawl through the screen of her omni-tool so he could get a closer look. _Too fuckin’ cute._ “Yep,” she said. “You’d mentioned wanting to see them, so I...adjusted my route a little. Welcome to Teotihuacan, Mexico.”

 _“Bless you,”_ he teased. His ears were tipped pink and his eyes had a sparkle to them. “ _That’s...that’s pretty great. Thank you. You definitely didn’t have to go out of your way for me, but...I’m glad you did.”_

“Well, I mean, it’s not that far from Mexico City and I had to go through there anyway. Not like I readjusted my whole route to go see the Grand Canyon…” She looked away with a grin and bit her lower lip. “Wanna take a walk with me? Do you have time?”

“ _I’d like that. Yeah, I got the rest of the day to finish this up.”_

“All right. Fair warning: I’m a shitty tour guide. I’ve never been here before and I’ve never been on a tour that wasn’t military. So, hope you’re not expecting random trivia like the lady a few feet away is giving out.” She dropped her voice to a stage whisper. “I don’t think they appreciated me telling them I didn’t have any desire to be trapped in a group.”

He chuckled. _“Y’know, if you wanted to make it perfectly clear you’re not there_ _for the history lesson, you could always pull your gun on them.”_

“You assume I didn’t? You’re a sweetheart, K,” she teased with a grin, breaking away from the crowd and beginning to climb walk down to the Avenue of the Dead. 

 _“Wait...you didn’t_ actually _pull a gun, did you?”_ His brow furrowed. _“That...I was only joking._ ” She rolled her eyes, laughing.  

“No, doofus, I did not actually pull a gun. I forget you’re so literal sometimes. I only _threatened_...” She winked at him. “ _Kidding_. My gun’s stowed in the bike. Firearms aren’t allowed here.”

 _“Uh huh. Ordinarily, I would have taken it as a joke; but with you, I figured I better make sure. Smartass…”_ He shook his head, grinning.

“I’m not _that_ bad, am I?” she teased. “So, we started at the top of the Pyramid of the Moon. In the far distance is the Pyramid of the Sun. Smaller pyramids line the Avenue of the Dead, likely also named for objects within the Sol System; though, I don’t know because I haven’t looked yet. Told you I’m bad at this.” She _might_ be slightly exhilarated at the chance to see him, even through a vid screen. She was downright giddy. As she’d told Thane about him, he could make her feel far too much. She’d get it under control after this. _One more day_ ….

 _"Y_ _ou’re doing fine as a tour guide. Better than I could. I’d probably just read an article on my omni-tool and forget to look up.”_

“Yeah, I could definitely see you doing that.” She shook her head. “So, this one is...not named as far as I can find. Oh, well. We’ll call it Mercury to keep with the celestial theme. How’re your classes going?”

 _“They’re good. Same old, same old. The usual asshole adepts…”_ He smirked at her. _“They don’t have placards in front of the exhibits? Or a guided digital map?_ ”

“There’s a placard, but it’s worn down. I didn’t bring a datapad. If I pull up a digital map, I won’t be able to see your face. Guess which I’d prefer looking at. I’ve got this. It’s _fine_.” She moved to the next pyramid, a copy of the first. “This one is...Orion. Those stones kind of look like a belt...if you squint…. Probably used for human sacrifice or something. Anyway, how big’s your sentinel group?” The tour guide scowled at her and she threw a wink at the woman.

“They’re _cisterns_ ,” the guide said loudly. “For collecting _rainwater_.”

“Well, how the hell was I supposed to know?” Kate asked. “I don’t read Spanish.”

“The sacrifices were performed in the Pyramid of the Feathered Serpent,” the woman sniffed.

 _“You’re terrible,”_ he laughed. _“Don’t quit your day job. That poor woman is probably going to try to strangle you. Got a full house this run. Eight. That’s good, because we need ‘em.”_

“Hey, not my fault they haven’t maintained their displays and what’s here is in a language I can’t read. Spanish and Italian aren’t _that_ close,” she chuckled. “That seems like a pretty big class. You don’t see that many sentinels around. I bet they’re keeping you pretty happy with all the tech talk. You know I used to listen to your lectures even though it wasn’t required, right?”

His ears tipped pink again. _“Uh, no! No, I did not know that. Hope they were interesting.”_ He shifted on screen, tilting his head to the side. _“It’s a bigger class of sentinels to be sure, but class size has been slowly increasing since you went through. Having bull sessions after class to talk shop is nice, but they can’t really afford to spend time like that.”_

“I learned more in those ‘bull sessions’ than I did in most of the official lectures,” she said, meandering through the rows of smaller pyramids lining the avenue. The tour group had fallen behind and tourists who’d eschewed the guide streamed around her, parting when she neglected to move aside for them. It still surprised her at times that someone as small as she could make even grown men move out of her way. “Don’t discount their importance. You’re smart, K. And a good teacher. Besides, I bet the girls are enjoying the chance to ogle your ass,” she added with a smirk.

 _“What IS it with you and saying girls love my ass?"_   he laughed, cheeks reddening. _“I think you might be a little biased. Personal preference and all.”_

“No bias, babydoll,” she grinned. “Consensus was that it was the most perfect ass this side of Arcturus Station. All the girls concurred. I held out for Omega, but it was pointed out that there are billions of them between here and there and the odds of one of them not being equal or better were statistically negligible.”

 _“Uh_ huh _...I...yeah, I got nothin’,”_ he snickered. _“There...there’s just no good way to respond to that. So about those human sacrificial water cisterns?_ ”

She winked at him through the screen. “I lied. I might be a _little_ biased. I’d fight harder for Omega now that I’ve had the opportunity to evaluate it for myself.” She put on a mock serious face and said, “Regarding human sacrificial water cisterns, the ancient Aztecs had no need for actual water since it’s common knowledge they only drank the blood of their enemies and white wine. Later in the tour, we’ll explore the museum where decorative skull cups used by the...uh...tribal chiefs?...are displayed.”

 _“OH my…”_ Kaidan groaned, hiding his eyes behind a hand. _“I’m embarrassed_ for _you. Though the white wine? Nice touch. Only a real historian would know that.”_

She laughed. “Oh, babydoll, don’t you know no one gives a damn about anyone but themselves and a select few? No one’s paying a bit of attention to me except the tour guide and it’s her own fault she keeps following me.”

“This is the tour route,” the woman snarked, loudly enough for Kate to hear.

“My tour’s more fun,” she said, changing direction to avoid the crowd...again. _She’s following me on purpose, I swear. Just to fuck with me._ “And we’ve now arrived at the Pyramid of the Sun. If you look closely, you can see grooves carved into the railing of the staircase. Some claim that it’s the result of thousands of hands over the millennia, but how do you really think they got all that blood and wine to the bottom? And...yeah, that wasn’t funny. I’m tapped out. You ruined it. In all seriousness, I think the placard says they believed the gods were born here, but my Spanish really is terrible.”

Kaidan buried his face in his hand again, laughing too hard to talk for a moment. _“You are too much. Next you’ll tell me there were wolves that chewed on the railings to put the grooves there.”_ He peered out between his finger. _“Say...what’s that group doing over there? In the corner, with their arms up?”_

She glanced over and groaned. “Ugh. They, uh, they’re trying to...channel the sun’s energy... I can’t believe I managed to say that with a straight face.”   

_“I can’t believe it, either, that was pretty good. Think they’re drunk?”_

She nodded slowly. “Yeah...I would say there’s a very, very high probability of that. Or stoned. Or both…” _Please tell me I never did shit like that._ “Wow. Now I’ve seen everything.”

_“Oh, god, what...I’m afraid to ask.”_

“The leader’s kissing a python. Like, on the nose. And she just tied a feather to it and let it go. I’m pretty sure that species isn’t native to this area… Damn idiots.” She broke into a jog, hoping she wasn’t making Kaidan seasick, and scanned the grass. _There_! Poor snake. She scooped it up and plucked the feather from its...neck? Whatever...and draped it around hers. “Probably can’t even survive around here. Where’s that damn tour guide when I need her?” The drunken group squawked at her for stealing their feathered serpent and she flipped them off over her shoulder as she went in search of the snarky blonde. “Look at him,” she said to Kaidan. “Poor thing.”

_“I’m curious...after rescuing the snake, what’re you going to do with him next?”_

“Give him to the tour guide, of course,” she said, spotting the woman. “Can’t take him on the bike.” She walked up behind the blonde woman and draped the snake around her shoulders. “Found some tourists trying to release this. Take care of it, will you?” The woman screamed and batted at the python. Kate snatched it away, glaring at her. “Seriously? It’s not venomous. It doesn’t even have fangs or big teeth. Take it.”

“Are you insane?” the woman screeched.

“I prefer creative,” Kate said. “Take. It. It’s a federal crime in Mexico to release a non-indigenous species into the wild and I can’t keep it.” She held the python out again and the woman jumped away. Kate huffed. “I don’t get people. Fine. I’ll take it by the office.” She replaced the python around her shoulders and walked away. “Can you believe that, K? It’s like she was scared of it or something.”

_“Imagine that, people being afraid of things that are different than they are. You did good. Most people would have just let it go.”_

Her brow furrowed as she redirected the snake that was now trying to poke its head under the collar of her shirt. It wrapped around her bun instead. “And that’s why I don’t like people. I really don’t want to cut this short, but I’m going to need to take him to the office and find someone who’ll do something about it.”

 _“Ok...probably should get going on my end, anyway. I’m...really glad you called, Kate. Thanks.”_  He rubbed the back of his neck with a shy smile. _“Safe travels. Email me when you get settled?”_

“Of course,” she said with a smile. “Only...twelve thousand kilometers left to go. This is the last sightseeing stop, though. I’ve got to push it from here if I want to get there in time. I’m really glad we got to do this. Would’ve been better in person, but…” she bit her lip. “Kinda missed you. Not used to that. Keep in touch, okay? Good luck with your students.”

 _“Kinda missed you, too.”_ The smile grew into a grin. _“I look forward to seeing the pics you take along the way. Wish it could have been in person, but. You know how it goes. Maybe next time. I’ll keep you updated on my end as far as goings-on. Hopefully nothing_ too _exciting. And take care...I already gave you luck. You’ll have to make that last until we see each other again. Au revoir [1].”_

“Alla prossima[2], K,” she said. She closed the omni-tool, trying to ignore that hollow feeling that returned to her chest, and turned her attention to the python in her hair. “All right, little guy. Let’s get you home and me to school. Rio’s still a long way away.”     

 

* * *

_Approx. 13,500 Kilometers_

 

Kate leaned back against her bike, fanning herself with a palm frond she’d plucked from a bush. It wasn’t as hot as it would have been even a few months before, but after the cool of Vancouver, it was definitely warm. She was doubly glad now that she’d chosen to take the bike, though she’d calculated it up and decided it would be more cost-effective to simply purchase it from the rental company than pay the mileage. She could always sell it later. It would be nice to have transportation down there if she needed it. By the time she got to Rio, she’d be acclimated to the weather. Most of her classmates wouldn’t. It would give her an advantage, at least in the beginning. Enjoying the heat would help as well.

She wondered how large the class size would be. Getting invited to the Villa at all was an honor reserved for few, but given that there were almost two hundred fifty million people in the Alliance at any given time, it stood to reason that the classes would be large. Hundreds? Thousands? Given the DOR rate and that passing one level didn’t guarantee invitation to the next, they would get smaller as they progressed through the stages, but N1 was likely to be extremely competitive. She needed every advantage she could get if she wanted to be invited back for N2.

She didn’t fool herself into thinking she would be the smartest or strongest or most powerful, but she was still determined to stand out. If the Alliance had allowed her to get her goddamn implant installed, she’d at least have a boost to her biotics that others didn’t, but she was on an even playing field there, too. While what she had was strong, her array was still as limited as it had been during biotics school. She _could_ charge, though, and that wasn’t something she’d seen in any vanguard but her instructor thus far. That should make her at least slightly unique. Otherwise, she might as well have replaced her omni-tool and called herself a sentinel.

She let the frond fall and rolled onto her belly, stretching her feet out behind her as she planted her hands in the patch of spongy moss she’d chosen as a resting spot and began to push. It wouldn’t do to let herself get out of shape on the road. She’d made a point to run a kilometer or two at every stop she made to rest and at least ten in the evening once she arrived wherever she was staying for the night. Tonight, she’d be camping by the bike. In addition to running, she’d set a goal of tripling the minimum requirements on push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups for the exit PT test by the time she arrived in Rio. She finished her count and rolled to her back, sliding her rucksack to her chest. If she’d had armor, she’d have done it in that. Instead, she performed all of her exercises with her loaded bag for added resistance. She’d already been strong when she’d left Vancouver. By the time she got to the Villa, she’d be a fucking machine.

A nearby tree limb proved sturdy enough to take the weight, so she jumped up and began to pull. Mosquitoes buzzed around her head, making her grateful for the immunizations she’d gotten against malaria and dengue fever before she’d left base. A thick boa slithered up the trunk of the tree in search of its own place to bed down for the night. She watched it with interest, thinking of the python. It was just trying to live its life, same as her.

When she’d finished, she cleaned up with wet wipes, which she stowed in a trash container in her bag for later disposal, and spread out her bedroll under the canopy, listening to the sounds of the forest in the night. She set the VI on her omni-tool to warn of predators in the vicinity and lay down, looking up at the thick leaves overhead. The rainy season was coming to an end. The leaves would probably be gone before she’d finished N1.  

Kaidan and Vancouver seemed very far away now. She couldn’t afford to think about him. She couldn’t be the person she’d been with him and make it through N school. The time for fairy tales and softness was over. If she wanted to go all the way, if she wanted to justify his belief in her, she had to set Kate aside and let Red come out to play. Red was fucking relentless. Ultimately, that was what would determine whether or not she succeeded. She couldn’t afford to feel things. She couldn’t afford to make connections that might break her later.

It was far easier to shut emotion off than it was to experience it. Kaidan had brought forth things she hadn’t felt since she’d watched the naÏve, idealistic child she’d been burn with her peers and the bodies of the ragtag band of children she’d called her own whom her so-called brothers had so brutally slaughtered. She’d been called cold before. She’d become ruthless. No mercy. No quarter. No hesitation. That was what she needed to be now and she slipped into that mindset with a shudder of relief that felt like coming home. This was who she was.

She should forget Kaidan altogether. As she’d told Thane, she didn’t believe herself capable of loving him the way he would need to be loved. That, however, was easier said than done. He was a part of her now, whether she wanted it or not. She’d been diagnosed as a sociopath in the rehab clinic after Elysium. She’d suspected psychopathy, but the brain scans showed a normal-sized prefrontal cortex and she lacked the required criminal history--that they knew of--to meet the qualifications.

She’d done her research and supposed it fit. One of the things she’d read had stated that sociopaths were capable of forming bonds with people, though those bonds would be out of her control. She could either feel something for someone or she couldn’t and the ones she could were rare. Everyone else was simply an obstacle around which she had to maneuver or a tool to be used. Kaidan had never been either. From the beginning, he’d fascinated her. She’d been incapable of holding herself back with him. She still wouldn’t call it love, but there was an attachment there and she didn’t know if she could sever it even if she truly wanted to. She could, however, stop trying to be ‘normal’ and let herself be who she was. Kaidan was a weakness. She’d just make sure no one knew it. She’d protect him from herself.

He enjoyed the pictures she sent him from the road, so before she went to sleep, she called up her omni-tool and found the picture she’d taken earlier that morning outside of Manaus. She’d stopped on the bridge crossing the point where the Amazon River and Rio Negro joined and had taken far too many pictures of it. Both rivers’ currents were so strong that it took six kilometers for them to fully converge. Until then, the pale, sandy-colored Amazon and the black Rio Negro flowed side-by-side, together but separate, curling around each other in a swirl of contrast. It was one of the most fascinating things she’d ever seen. She selected the best of the images along with one she took of her makeshift campsite and attached them to a message.

 

_K,_

_This wasn’t on your list, but if I’d known about it, it would have been on mine. The Amazon and Rio Negro. Yet again, images don’t do it justice._

_Currently camped out somewhere in the rainforest. I have a boa as a roommate. Reminded me of the python at Teotihuacan._

_I’ll let you know when I get to Rio. Roughly 5,000 kilometers to go. Only a few more days._

_Alla prossima._

_-x-_

_Other K_

 

His reply this time was almost immediate. She’d barely closed her omni-tool and lain back down before it pinged.

 

_Other K,_

_Isn’t it fascinating, the kind of beauty you can find when you’re not even looking for it? :) Very fitting. Leave it to you to find the hidden gems off the beaten path._

_And snakes._

_Seriously, do you specifically look for them or something? That’s two in how many days?_

_Stay safe out there._

_Signed,_

_K_

___

_K,_

_I think they seek me out. Like sees like, y’know?_

_G’night._

_-x-_

_Other K_

 

* * *

 

_17,259 kilometers_

 

Rio. She’d made it. The gates of the Villa stood just ahead, a shuttle approaching the docks. She was here. She’d loved it immediately. Driving the motorcycle through the massive city was like taking a trip back in time. All of Brazil had been like that, actually, but she’d expected the city to be more modern. It wasn’t until she reached the base that she felt like she’d returned to her own time period.

Upbeat music had followed her through streets that were a mashup of ancient, old, and new. Beautiful historical stonework buildings lounged alongside steel monstrosities and elegant glass highrises. The streets went from paved to cobblestone seemingly at random. Slums and tenements snuggled up against posh business and retail districts.

The landscape had been more familiar to her than she’d expected. Outside of the occasional palm, she could be in southern North America again. She’d done her OCS there, which provided her with another benefit. She was familiar with at least some of the flora. Land nav was one of her weaker points given that her entire life outside of training had been spent in big cities and on starships and space stations. Any benefit there would help, especially if she made it to the survival course.

She doubted she would have time to send messages for a while once she went in, so she called up her omni-tool. Thane and Kaidan had both requested that she let them know when she arrived. Her message to Thane was a quick one. _Here. Catch you on the flip side._ She didn’t expect a response any time soon. He simply wanted to ensure that she’d made it through the jungle in one piece. Kaidan, on the other hand, garnered a real message.

 

_K,_

_Standing in front of the gates of the Villa. I’m here. Rio is beautiful. If you get a chance to come down, we definitely need to explore. You’ll love it._

_I’m ready. Looking forward to the challenge._

_Alla prossima._

_-x-_

_Other K_   

 

She directed the bike toward the gatehouse and passed her omni-tool over the scanner. The guard saluted and motioned her in. “Here for ICT?” he asked.

“I am,” she answered. “Where do I need to go to report?”

“The instructors will meet you at the docks. Last shuttle’s just coming in. There’s parking there as well. Put this on the motorcycle and the MPs won’t tow it.” He printed off and handed her a parking pass, which she affixed to the center of the handlebars. “Good luck, ma’am.”

“Thanks,” she said. “I’m told I’ll need it.”

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Yes, ma’am,” he said.

She directed the bike the way he’d indicated and followed the trajectory of the landing shuttle. It was touching down as she pulled into the parking lot and removed her helmet. She stretched, loosening muscles that were stiff from leaning over the sporty motorcycle, and killed the engine. So, this was the Villa. Red Shepherd, street rat, gang leader, recovering addict, former whore, so-called hero, was at ICT.

 _N7, here I come._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's stayed with us on this and especially to our awesome readers who've given us amazing feedback along the way!  
> Red's story isn't done yet. As a matter of fact, we're just getting started. Next step, ICT!


End file.
